Uncovering the Heart: Hard Truths and Holy Lessons
Tonight was kind of interesting. E asked if we could watch M and little A while W took his belt test in Taekwondo. So Tom went to our regular Friday meeting, and I went to help E. As it turned out, she got the dates mixed up and the belt test is actually next Friday night! DOH! So we ended up going to the park and hanging out for a while before she took me home. It’s moments like that that make you wonder, “What was that all about?” I wasn’t upset at all—in fact, I felt bad for E—but we had a good time and made the best of it. She even made a connection with another mom at the park whose husband is in the military and will be deployed in a couple of months… so maybe that’s why it all happened.
W is really struggling with his dad being gone, so E made an appointment with a therapist to help him through this difficult time. She’s struggling too, but she tends to keep everything shut down so she can function through the day. Lord, please help them feel Your presence and give them the strength they need.
The Lord has been giving me the word “choices” a lot lately. It’s as if He’s trying to show me just how much my choices either draw me closer to Him or pull me farther away. I make so many decisions every single day—are they contributing to my walk with Him, or hindering it? Father, help me choose YOU more and more, instead of choosing “me.”
One of the girls in my group found the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich and bought the audio CDs. She listened to them and said how great they were, so we’re all taking turns with them. I’ve heard the first two of five CDs, and I’m blown away—and humbled. The information in that book is so powerful and so important for married couples. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops so people will read it!
What I’ve learned so far has helped me understand so many of the places where I’ve gone wrong in my relationship with Tom. It has filled in some gaps and given me new pieces to the puzzle of how to have a healthy marriage. And it has revealed so much of what I’ve been doing wrong without even realizing it.
I listened to the second CD last night and shared with Tom this morning how deeply it impacted me. I apologized profusely for the ways I’ve hurt him without knowing. All my attempts to “help” and fix things were actually doing more damage—and I had no idea why nothing I tried seemed to work.
God commands wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives. Neither one has to be earned or deserved. I understood that last year through the FWO book, but what I learned this time is how I was disrespecting my husband without realizing it. Dr. Eggerich calls it the “crazy cycle”: when a husband feels disrespected, he responds in ways that make his wife feel unloved, and when she feels unloved, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful… and the cycle continues.
Then Tom told me something that shocked me. He said that he had not felt love for me in over a year. When we were ministering to that couple in Fuquay, he realized that I could see things in other people that I couldn’t see in myself—self-righteousness, criticism, judgment—even though I had told him many times that I struggled with those things. He said that night a switch flipped in him. He shut down. Something died inside him, and all feelings of love for me went away. That explains so much.
There was a moment at M and L’s when I was pleading with him to help me understand what was happening—telling him I was “crashing and burning” emotionally and needed him desperately. Today he told me that, at the time, he didn’t care. He said it was like he was watching me drown and had no desire to lift a hand to help. Wow. No wonder it has been so hard. I was stunned, but it helped me understand the depth of the struggle.
Then he shared a message from a friend he had written to about our marriage. The friend responded with compassion, saying he was sorry things were so hard—but when he prayed for us, he sensed nothing but God’s respect for us. That God allowed such difficulty because He knew we could handle it. Immediately I thought of Job. God allowed so much to come upon him because He knew Job could endure it.
I truly feel like we have been in a fierce battle for our marriage, and I thank the Lord that He carried us through. I feel a sense of relief that we have weathered this long storm and made it through by His grace. I know I have hurt Tom deeply, and I pray I can begin repairing that damage now that I understand what has been happening—and what actually helps instead of harms.
It’s interesting that all of this came right after I started praying, “Lord, do in me whatever You need to do…” I am humbled and repentant. Thank You, Jesus, for Your grace and strength to endure the trials and suffering that come in this world.
No comments:
Post a Comment