Friday, April 17, 2009

Uncovering the Heart: Hard Truths and Holy Lessons

Tonight was kind of interesting. E asked if we could watch M and little A while W took his belt test in Taekwondo. So Tom went to our regular Friday meeting, and I went to help E. As it turned out, she got the dates mixed up and the belt test is actually next Friday night! DOH! So we ended up going to the park and hanging out for a while before she took me home. It’s moments like that that make you wonder, “What was that all about?” I wasn’t upset at all—in fact, I felt bad for E—but we had a good time and made the best of it. She even made a connection with another mom at the park whose husband is in the military and will be deployed in a couple of months… so maybe that’s why it all happened.

W is really struggling with his dad being gone, so E made an appointment with a therapist to help him through this difficult time. She’s struggling too, but she tends to keep everything shut down so she can function through the day. Lord, please help them feel Your presence and give them the strength they need.

The Lord has been giving me the word “choices” a lot lately. It’s as if He’s trying to show me just how much my choices either draw me closer to Him or pull me farther away. I make so many decisions every single day—are they contributing to my walk with Him, or hindering it? Father, help me choose YOU more and more, instead of choosing “me.”

One of the girls in my group found the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerich and bought the audio CDs. She listened to them and said how great they were, so we’re all taking turns with them. I’ve heard the first two of five CDs, and I’m blown away—and humbled. The information in that book is so powerful and so important for married couples. I feel like shouting it from the rooftops so people will read it!

What I’ve learned so far has helped me understand so many of the places where I’ve gone wrong in my relationship with Tom. It has filled in some gaps and given me new pieces to the puzzle of how to have a healthy marriage. And it has revealed so much of what I’ve been doing wrong without even realizing it.

I listened to the second CD last night and shared with Tom this morning how deeply it impacted me. I apologized profusely for the ways I’ve hurt him without knowing. All my attempts to “help” and fix things were actually doing more damage—and I had no idea why nothing I tried seemed to work.

God commands wives to respect their husbands and husbands to love their wives. Neither one has to be earned or deserved. I understood that last year through the FWO book, but what I learned this time is how I was disrespecting my husband without realizing it. Dr. Eggerich calls it the “crazy cycle”: when a husband feels disrespected, he responds in ways that make his wife feel unloved, and when she feels unloved, she reacts in ways that feel disrespectful… and the cycle continues.

Then Tom told me something that shocked me. He said that he had not felt love for me in over a year. When we were ministering to that couple in Fuquay, he realized that I could see things in other people that I couldn’t see in myself—self-righteousness, criticism, judgment—even though I had told him many times that I struggled with those things. He said that night a switch flipped in him. He shut down. Something died inside him, and all feelings of love for me went away. That explains so much.

There was a moment at M and L’s when I was pleading with him to help me understand what was happening—telling him I was “crashing and burning” emotionally and needed him desperately. Today he told me that, at the time, he didn’t care. He said it was like he was watching me drown and had no desire to lift a hand to help. Wow. No wonder it has been so hard. I was stunned, but it helped me understand the depth of the struggle.

Then he shared a message from a friend he had written to about our marriage. The friend responded with compassion, saying he was sorry things were so hard—but when he prayed for us, he sensed nothing but God’s respect for us. That God allowed such difficulty because He knew we could handle it. Immediately I thought of Job. God allowed so much to come upon him because He knew Job could endure it.

I truly feel like we have been in a fierce battle for our marriage, and I thank the Lord that He carried us through. I feel a sense of relief that we have weathered this long storm and made it through by His grace. I know I have hurt Tom deeply, and I pray I can begin repairing that damage now that I understand what has been happening—and what actually helps instead of harms.

It’s interesting that all of this came right after I started praying, “Lord, do in me whatever You need to do…” I am humbled and repentant. Thank You, Jesus, for Your grace and strength to endure the trials and suffering that come in this world.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

When the Light Reveals What Was Hidden

Choices…

This word continues to reverberate in my heart and mind. It seems to grow louder each day, and I see it everywhere I look—just in case the voice in my head isn’t loud enough! So I’ve begun making some “choices” I believe the Lord is asking of me.

First, I’ve decided to get up earlier to spend more time with Him in the mornings. I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. (instead of gradually rolling out of bed around 8:30 or 9:00), but so far this week He has woken me up before the alarm even goes off.

Second, I’ve started a new Bible study—Daniel by Beth Moore. She asks us to commit to fasting or abstaining from something during the 12-week study as a reminder of who we are (children of God) and where we’re living (present-day Babylon). So I’ve reluctantly chosen to abstain from desserts. Since ending the raw food fast, that’s the area I’ve slipped the most, so I felt the Lord nudging me to re-establish some boundaries.

Another choice I’ve made is to show respect for my husband as much as possible. In my last entry, I had only listened to 2 of the 5 Love and Respect CDs—now I’ve finished all of them. I thought I was undone before… but after hearing the rest, I don’t think I could have felt much lower. At one point, I almost burst into tears.

But the amazing thing about the Lord is that when He undoes you, it is with such love and kindness that you actually want to make right what you’ve been doing wrong. It felt like all the covers were suddenly stripped away and every hidden flaw was exposed—not just before God, but before my own eyes. I saw a side of myself I had never truly recognized… yet it also looked strangely familiar.

As I sat there, stunned by what I was seeing, I finally understood: it was my mom. She was so independent, so influenced by the women’s liberation movement, that she treated men with a level of disrespect that made even me cringe. I can now recognize that attitude—what I would call a “Jezebel spirit”—had rubbed off on me far more than I ever realized. It wasn’t as blatant in me as it was in her, but it was certainly there. Once it was exposed to the light, I could finally see it for what it was.

Lord, thank You for revealing this to me. Remove this ungodly heart and attitude. Help me become the wife You’ve called me to be—to love and respect my husband in all I say and do. Whether I feel it or think he deserves it, let me do it unto You.

Today was only the third day of the Daniel study, and I already love it. With God, everything blends together—confirming, deepening, and expanding what He’s teaching me. Beth describes the condition of Judah’s people when they were carried off to Babylon and draws parallels between ancient Babylon and our present-day culture.

The king selected Israelites “from the royal family and the nobility” with the characteristics:

youth, beauty, physical perfection, intelligence, and qualification (Daniel 1:3–4).

Does that sound familiar? Wow.

Beth explains that Babylon is no longer merely a place, but a way of thinking. She warns that “friendly captivity” can be more dangerous than hostile captivity, because we slowly adapt to the mindset of our captors. In our day, I don’t see “the world” as a captor as much as an enemy—but the Christian community has become so similar to the world that it’s hard to tell the difference between the two. Even our churches model themselves after corporate structures. What is up with that?

This morning I found myself asking:
In what ways am I blending in and looking like the world—especially now that I’ve seen this hidden part of my heart exposed?

It’s funny how clearly I can notice it in others, and yet be blind to it in myself.

Lord, please continue to reveal every area of my life—no matter how deeply hidden—that is not glorifying to You. Do whatever You need to do to make me more like You.

After my time with the Lord, Tom read more of Frank Viola’s From Eternity to Here, which AB loaned us. At first, I wondered if it was another marriage book, because the themes echoed what we just learned in Love and Respect. But it’s even better—it’s a love story between Jesus and His Bride.

Frank paints such a beautiful picture of God’s purpose and plan for Jesus and His Bride—laid out before time began. I walked away thinking:

God does absolutely nothing without purpose, and nothing catches Him off guard.

That realization makes even my smallest worries feel like such an affront to an almighty, powerful, purposeful God.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Walking Out My Choices

I’ve waited too long to write again, and so much has happened that I hope I can capture it all!

As an update on my “choices,” I’m doing well with maintaining the ones I wrote about earlier. I’ve been waking up between 6:30 and 7:30 every morning—without an alarm clock—and I’ve been amazed at how much I can accomplish and how much peace I feel throughout the day.

I’ve also kept my commitment to abstain from desserts, although I’ve definitely had some internal battles. Yesterday I had to confront the “fight” in me over this and realized something important: I needed to shift from “I have to abstain” to “I want to abstain.” When the raw food fast ended, I rushed straight into the things I had been craving. But the truth is, the Lord is reshaping my desires—this isn’t “for a season” but a lifelong shift. As awkward and embarrassing as this struggle is, I believe the Lord is using it to help me identify with other “addicts.” I know what it feels like to be consumed by something... and I also know what victory feels like through the strength of Christ.

As for treating Tom with respect, by God’s grace, that’s been going well too. I keep reminding myself that it’s God’s job to change him, not mine—and God does a far better job of that than I do! Things have been much better between us, and we continue to grow closer every day.

The evening after my last entry, our air mattress deflated again. We didn’t have the money to replace it, and since TB is still happy having us here—and since air mattresses apparently weren’t designed for long-term living!—we went searching for something more permanent. We pulled a twin air mattress from storage for Tom and I slept on a pile of blankets while we waited for the Lord to provide.

We didn’t have to wait long.

That weekend, our housing development held a community yard sale. TB and his daughter went out hunting for good deals, and we asked him to keep an eye out for a mattress. A few days before, I told him our budget was $25, but what he didn’t know was that I had spent $10 of it on groceries… leaving only $15. When he found a mattress, he told the lady that his friends were local missionaries who needed one and had $25. She responded, “They can have it for $15!” Praise the Lord! It was a twin mattress and box spring, and we’re now using it beside our twin air mattress. It’s working out surprisingly well.

Since helping CB deliver food, I’ve been praying about expanding the ministry in our own community. Many families have been laid off and are struggling financially, so I thought we could bless them with free food. Then CB called and said a local Food Lion was available for pick-up and asked if I wanted to take a day or two. I told her I’d pray and talk to Tom.

As I prayed, I sensed the Lord telling me something very specific: to stop doing ministry on my own and to align myself under Tom’s spiritual leadership. If Tom didn’t feel led to do it, I wasn’t to take it on either. This was a real test for me.

Tom prayed for a couple of days and didn’t feel led to do it, so he emailed CB to let her know. In the past, I would have become irritated, judged him as uncaring, and possibly done it without him. But this time I trusted his ability to hear from God and supported his decision. It felt right—and it helped align my heart in a deeper, healthier way.

A couple of days later, I got a call from a pastor who leads a men’s sexual addiction support group. He had heard about the women’s support ministry I do and asked if he could refer someone to me. Then that evening, our friend and therapist emailed asking if we’d be interested in helping her church set up an addiction recovery program. She had recommended us. Wow. How cool is that? I wonder if the Lord told us “no” to the food delivery so we’d be free for this. We meet with the pastor on June 1st to learn more. It’s not a done deal yet, so we’re praying for the Lord’s leading.

As for my eye, my last appointment was canceled. My caseworker with Services for the Blind changed jobs, and after reviewing my case, they decided I didn’t qualify and recommended another program. The woman at the Eye Care Center was also new and unaware of our previous arrangement, so she suggested I reschedule after applying for the new program. I still have enough drops for a month, so I’m praying about whether to apply. So far, I don’t feel led. Once again, I’m trusting the Lord to guide me.

This past Tuesday night we were at LJ’s house honoring the one-year anniversary of P’s death. I can’t believe it’s been a year. In that time, LJ also lost her mother and one of her cats. She’s had such a difficult year, but by God’s grace she’s hanging on—continuing to seek the Lord for strength and sanity. As we talked, it became clear that all of us have been challenged, stretched, broken, and refined this year for His purposes and His glory.

Right now, I’m on a plane on my way to California! (By the time I post this, I’ll already be there.) God’s faithfulness amazes me. We bought the tickets with our federal tax return but didn’t receive our state return until last Friday. Tom and I both believe God kept it until now so we would have money for the trip. If we had gotten it earlier, we probably would have spent it. On top of that, G and F blessed us with some extra spending money too. God is so cool!

I’m continuing to enjoy the Daniel study. Yesterday’s lesson focused on feeling important or special when we’re noticed by people in authority. Nebuchadnezzar commanded only his officials—the “important” people—to worship his image. Beth asked whether we’ve ever felt more significant when someone in authority acknowledges us. Oh yes… guilty as charged! Even the email about helping with the addiction recovery program boosted my ego. It made me pause… We turned down serving the community with food but jumped at the chance to help with a “program”? Father, let us do ministry for You, not for our egos. You call us to humble ourselves, and You will lift us up. Whoever wants to be great must be the servant of all.

Yesterday would have been my day to help CB with food delivery, but she had to move the time from 12:30 to 9 a.m. I told her I’d let her know in the morning. As I prayed, I felt no peace—not just for that day, but for the ministry as a whole. So I told her I didn’t think the Father was asking me to do it. She received it graciously and even said she had sensed it before I did.

She mentioned that the last couple of times she saw me, she didn’t see the “joy” in my eyes and wondered if I was tired. I thought about it and said maybe it was all the “humbling” the Lord has been doing in me. She suggested I watch Beth Moore’s program that morning on “Happy Blessings.” She called back later and said that as she prayed, the word “defeated” came to her about what she saw in my eyes.

“Defeated??” That word threw me and even brought tears. I’m not sure what emotion it stirred, but my prayer is that it’s only my flesh being defeated—not my spirit. Father, may my heart, mind, body, and soul be fully submitted to You. If there is any defeat in me, let it be only the defeat of the flesh, and not the work of the enemy. Lead me in Your will alone. Amen.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Held by His Provision, Placed by His Design

We are back from our vacation in California, and we had a very good time. It is always so nice to visit the family. I have to admit, though, that I struggled with wanting to go and honestly didn’t want to. I’m not even sure why. Part of me was hoping we wouldn’t have the money so the trip wouldn’t happen — but God made sure I went. And by the time it was over, I knew without a doubt that I was supposed to be there.

The first night of the reunion, Tom’s youngest brother played DVDs of the last two reunions that he had set to music. As I watched the photos, I was unexpectedly impacted. It felt like the Lord was showing me what a great family I had been “grafted” into — by His design — just like being grafted into the family of God. That my place in this family was not an accident or a mistake. I realized I needed to appreciate them more and actually allow myself to feel like part of the family.

It brought tears to my eyes. I have been in this family for 30 years, and it’s about time I actually felt like I belonged. For reasons I don’t fully understand, I’ve always kept them at emotional arm’s length and referred to them as “Tom’s family,” even though they have done nothing but accept, love, and welcome me with open arms. Thank You, Lord, for this loving “kick in the butt” and the reminder of the gift You’ve given me. And Lord, please show me whatever is keeping me from emotionally connecting with Tom’s family.

I also knew I was supposed to be there because of what happened at the reunion. Tom’s cousin’s husband shared some difficult news. He was diagnosed with lung cancer that had already overtaken his right lung and begun moving into his left. The X-rays were so bad he wouldn’t let his wife see them. The prognosis and treatment plan weren’t encouraging. Years ago, he survived kidney cancer but now has only one kidney left. The new treatment (IL2) is harder on the body than chemo, and there’s a risk of renal failure. The success rate is low — only 10–20%. Without treatment he has six months; with treatment, if it doesn’t work, maybe a year and a half. If it does work, he would be cancer-free.

Tom’s oldest sister, her husband, Tom, and I all felt strongly that we needed to lay hands on him and pray. His cousin announced it to the family, inviting anyone who wanted to join. It turned into a beautiful time of prayer. Tom said he had never seen his family pray together like that before (they are mostly Catholic). He was so choked up he couldn’t even pray.

In the end, I think the prayer was more for the family than it was for his cousin’s husband. He and his wife are born again (he’s going through seminary to become a Lutheran minister), and although the situation was difficult, he had a supernatural peace that clearly came from the Lord. He was even encouraging other family members who were struggling more than he was. After that moment, I knew I was meant to be there — even if just for them.

I also got to see my childhood friend SH and her husband — I hadn’t seen her in over 17 years, not since before we moved to NC. It was so good to reconnect, even though I couldn’t spend the quality time I wanted because family “games” were happening at the same time. I hope for a chance to catch up more deeply one day.

The last night in California we experienced a 4.7 earthquake while playing cards at P and N’s house! Nothing broke, but the house shook pretty hard. Honestly, it was kind of fun.

The Daniel study is still going well. One of the lessons asked if we’d ever had a dream, like Nebuchadnezzar, that woke us up with a start. Immediately, I remembered the “rope” dream. When I shared it with the group, CB’s son overheard and shared some thoughts. I can’t remember everything he said, but it made me wonder if I should send the dream to JB again. I’m still praying about it. Part of me wonders if it’s too late — if the dream was meant for that time and the window of significance has passed. I will keep waiting on the Lord.

We’ve had some schedule changes too. We’ve been going to our friends’ house on Friday nights with N & TL, but I’ve been feeling “done” with that gathering for a while. I shared it with Tom and he felt the same, but we haven't made it official. I felt the Lord nudging me to put this in Tom’s hands — that I should continue going until he felt led to make the announcement. He said he was going to speak up at the last meeting, but he didn’t. The old me would have gotten frustrated and announced it myself. But this time, I felt strongly that I needed to let Tom lead, to not step out of alignment spiritually again, and to trust God in the timing.

While we were in California, Raleigh Eye Center called to schedule another appointment. I told them I hadn’t applied for the new program yet. That got me praying again — and of course, Tom’s parents had their input. I still didn’t feel like I had a clear word from the Lord, so I told Tom that I would trust him and do whatever he felt was right. He had been praying and said he felt I should not apply to the program and instead wait on the Lord’s provision. So that’s what I’m going to do. We were given $100 a few months ago specifically for my eye appointments, so I’ll schedule with that and trust God for the next provision.

Speaking of provision — God did the coolest things for us financially during this time. Not that He doesn’t always provide, but this time felt different… or maybe I just noticed it differently.

We received our state tax return right before our trip — perfect timing — so we were able to bless others. We took Tom’s parents out for Mother’s Day, bought little A’s birthday gift, got W and M some fun “California” tank tops, and took some friends out to lunch. The restaurant only took cash, so we had to use some of what we planned for reunion expenses, hoping it would still be enough.

Then at the reunion, my team won the family games and my share was $35 — exactly what we needed to cover the remaining expenses. We even had $2.50 left over! And right as we were leaving to return home, Tom’s parents gave us $100 — which was perfect timing because we literally had nothing left for food, gas, or groceries once we got back.

Then I got $60 from Marteen for groceries, so Tom used some of the $100 to bless a guy he met with at his Wednesday meeting. After getting gas, we had $7 in our account to start the weekend of watching E’s kids. When we arrived at her house, I found a card from a friend who felt led by the Lord to give us… $60.

God truly provided at every turn. We give, and He replaces. He is so faithful.

I remember walking out of the restaurant in California, feeling a little stressed after paying for lunch. Right then, I chose to trust. I said out loud, “God, I am so glad You are such a good and faithful provider. I choose to trust You and not to worry.”

He is good — all the time.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

 

Seeing Through His Eyes

After I wrote my last entry, I kept thinking more and more about how we as Christians should look different from the world—and what that could possibly look like. If Tom and I were walking with the Lord the way we truly desire to, how different would our lives appear? Or better yet, if the disciples were here and showed up at our family reunion, what would that look like? I want to be in a place where I hear the Father’s voice above every other voice… where I’m so intimate with my Lord that nothing else—flesh or world—can distract me from His purposes in and through me. I don’t think I have the answer to that yet, but I’m still seeking His face.

Speaking of that, I had another “humbling” and “healing” moment last Friday. As I’ve shared before, I’ve struggled with being judgmental and critical—mostly toward my husband, but I’ve seen it spill into other areas too. Every time it happens, it offends me. I get frustrated with myself and angry that it’s still part of my life. I pray about it and repent often, but I just haven’t been able to shake it.

Then last Friday morning, one of the girls from my group called and asked if I was alone and had a minute. When she started with, “Linda, you know I love you very much…,” I knew something was coming. She went on to say that after we left her house the night before, she walked back into the room and was struck by something she sensed. After praying, she felt the Lord showed her it was a spirit of judgment. She’d been praying for me all morning and felt she had a word from the Lord: that I had been tormented by this for many years, trying to break free, and that He wanted to deliver me from that bondage that very morning.

I felt convicted, embarrassed, excited, and overwhelmed all at once—but mostly, I just wanted to be free. So she prayed with me and had me repeat after her. I believe I was freed from the spirit of judgment and criticism! Hallelujah! I sobbed through the whole prayer, and the Lord spoke directly to prayers I had prayed that same morning.

I had been reading Matthew 20:29–34:

“As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. Lord, they answered, "we want our sight." 

When Jesus asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” I prayed, “Lord, have mercy on me and heal my eyes!” The next verse struck me deeply;

"Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him." Matthew 20:24

Jesus had compassion on them even though He knew these men would fall, fail, and make mistakes down the road. Yet He still healed them. I prayed for that same compassion… that I would see people through His eyes, with His unconditional love, without judgment or criticism.

When the girl prayed for me, she specifically prayed that I would see people through the eyes of Jesus. To me, that was His signature—His reassurance that He heard my prayer that morning.

Another layer to this was the “rope” dream. I had prayed again about sending it to JB and even started laying out a little “fleece” before catching myself. After my time of prayer and deliverance, the Lord brought the dream to mind again and showed me that the rope represented the spirit of judgment—that it had been pursuing and tormenting me, but the left hand of spiritual strength had defeated it. It made perfect sense. One of the things the girl prayed was that I’ve already had a wonderful ministry for the Lord, but now I would be much more effective for His Kingdom. I felt compelled to pray my Daniel study memory verses (Daniel 2:20–23), personalizing them—and they couldn’t have been more fitting.

“Praise be to the name of God forever and ever; wisdom and Power are His. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in the darkness and light dwells with Him. I praise and thank you, O God of my Fathers for you have given me wisdom and power and have made known to me the meaning of my dream!!” 

Another praise report: Tom and I met with the pastors at Cross Pointe yesterday. Many people had been praying for us to discern whether we should walk through that door, and I believe those prayers were answered. We had discussed potential “red flags” beforehand, but none of those appeared. These pastors have the same passion and concern for marriages that we do, and they’re seeking resources for those struggling with pornography. We really liked them, and their hearts, and we’re excited to see what God has in store. 

Father, may we never take the reins ourselves—may we let You lead every step.

I’m continuing to do well with submitting things to Tom. He asked me about it yesterday since the subject keeps coming up, and I told him I feel a wonderful sense of freedom. I hadn’t realized how much I had stepped back into controlling tendencies until now, when I’ve been intentionally stepping back and letting him lead. It feels like dancing—when the woman tries to lead, it’s awkward and toes get stepped on. But when she allows the man to lead, the dance becomes smooth and beautiful. It struck me that sometimes, if a man gets tired of the woman always leading, he might even sit out and let her dance alone, or with someone else… Or even look for another dance partner himself! 

I asked Tom how he felt, and he said he feels really good. He said that when I stepped back into proper alignment, he felt like he could hear from God better and felt more confident in the decisions he’s made. I know it builds him up as the spiritual leader and man of God. I hate that I stepped backward into old patterns, but I’m grateful God corrected me again.

Lord, give me strength, courage, and discernment to not go back there again. Thank You for Your love and faithfulness.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

In the Fires of Sorrow

During my “Daniel” study time yesterday morning, I found myself staring out the window, pondering the current state of my life and emotions. This season has been VERY difficult for me mentally and emotionally. As I thought about earlier times—when everything seemed lighter—I wondered why. It felt as though, during those easier moments, God Himself was holding, shielding, and giving me everything I needed to get through each day. I seemed to sail along, happy as a lark, no matter what was happening around me. But now, it feels like I’m “on my own.” Not that God has left me—not at all. I know He is close, right beside me, encouraging me through this time. But He’s no longer holding and shielding me in the same way. Instead, it feels like He has set me down and is allowing me to “take the hits” so I can grow and mature in my walk with Him.

This reminds me of my favorite Scripture, James 1:2–4:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

Oswald Chambers added some good insight today. Here’s an excerpt:

“Sorrow removes a great deal of a person's shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow…”

Lately, I’ve had the worst “battle of the mind.” So many thoughts have come against me, and I’ve unfortunately lost many of those battles. The “people pleaser” in me agonizes over my failures because I so desperately want to please God in all areas of my life. I know what I should be doing and thinking, but my emotions, feelings, and circumstances have been influencing me more than what I know to be true. This is when Paul’s words in Romans 7:15 and 24 ring loudly in my heart:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...” Aaarrrgggghhhh “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?”

But the Lord has been so near. Recently, during a really hard moment, I prayed with everything in me, “Lord, I need You right now in a very BIG way.” Immediately the Holy Spirit spoke: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood…” (Ephesians 6:12). That was all He had to say. I finished the rest of the Scripture myself, and it set me straight again and refocused my prayers.

Tom and I are house- and pet-sitting for E right now. We’re living between two homes and tag-teaming who stays where, making sure everything is covered. Logistically it has been interesting—keeping food, clothes, and what each of us needs in the right place—but it certainly makes life more lively. E and the kids left for Colorado on June 5th and will return the first week of August, so we should have this rhythm down by then. On their first day there, a tornado touched down just a few blocks from where they were staying—quite the “welcome”! But thankfully everyone was safe. Thank you, Jesus.

The latest update on my eye situation: I received a certified letter from my eye doctor on Saturday, June 20th, informing me that they would no longer be responsible for my care and that I needed to find someone else. I was stunned. Apparently they considered me “noncompliant,” maybe because I didn’t apply for the program they referred me to? I don’t really know. It all happened so suddenly, without warning, that I can only assume God’s hand is in it somehow. Thankfully, they did agree to send a new prescription so I can at least get my eye drops while I wait for God to show me the next step.

Also, Tom was asked to step down from doing the bookkeeping for a missions ministry he has volunteered with for two years. The pastor said something about “overseers” not being involved in the books, but Tom isn’t an overseer and has nothing to do with ministry decisions—he just does the bookkeeping. So he’ll be returning everything to the ministry leader this week. I’m not sure what that was all about either. It really makes me wonder what God is doing. I feel like we are being “disconnected” from so many things. Attachments are being severed. What is God up to?

Through several conversations and the things God has been showing me, I’ve felt compelled to pray and sing in the Spirit more frequently and more boldly. With all the time I’m spending in the car, I’ve been doing it almost the entire time I’m driving, and more throughout the day. It has changed my perspective and attitude… I feel more peace and calm, and I can see God working in more ways than before. My prayers seem to be answered right before my eyes. It has been very cool, so I’ll keep doing this until God directs me otherwise.

Lord, may Your will be done, not ours. My prayer is that You keep us on Your path, in Your will—not our own.

“I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Cost of being Recklessly Abandoned

I haven’t felt led to write for a while. Life has been plodding along, and I’ve been doing—and struggling with—the same things. Until recently, I just haven’t felt “inspired.”

I’m still cooking for G and F, and I absolutely love it. They are such sweet ladies, and my heart swells with joy when I’m with them. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since I started working for them last August—time really does fly when you’re having fun! Yesterday we took an outing, and F finally let me wheel her around the store. Walking takes so much out of her, and I’ve been asking her to let me help. She finally said yes, and we had a great time. I think she really enjoyed it.

I’m still helping Marteen, too. She has me doing all sorts of things for her, but at the core, we simply enjoy being together. She really needs companionship, care, and the presence of someone who genuinely wants to be with her. She is so silly, and we laugh a lot.

I’m still waking up earlier than I used to. I don’t get up at 6:30 anymore, but I’m usually awake by 7:30 without an alarm—which is what my alarm used to be set for anyway. I still feel the pull of my old pattern of sleeping in, but the Holy Spirit reminds me of my commitment, and I’m able to get up. DOWN FLESH, DOWN!

I’m also still praying in tongues out loud while driving. It’s become second nature now. Sometimes I feel like real work is being done in the spirit realm, and other times I wonder if it’s doing anything at all… but I’ll keep doing it until the Lord says otherwise.

We’re still staying at E’s house and caring for her home, garden, and animals. I’m almost done with the last project—sanding and painting the kitchen island—and the garden is producing beans, peppers, zucchini, tomatoes, basil, sage, thyme, and lots of wildflowers. The corn was growing too… until the squirrels demolished it. Oh well—I hope they enjoyed it! We’ve loved being here. E and R are coming back in early August, and they’ve had such a great time in Colorado and California they might not want to come home, lol!

We’re in the last two weeks of the Daniel study, and I’m still fasting from desserts. It’s easier in some ways and harder in others. As the fast comes to an end, I’m thinking more about everything I can eat afterward—boy, I probably have a real problem. Part of me wants to make this a lifelong fast just so I can be better off and maybe even happier! I hate how easily I indulge my flesh in these things. It’s not that I can’t enjoy good things, but moderation is definitely a challenge for me.

On the upside, the study has been awesome. I’m learning so much about God, our history, and prophecy. I will never read Daniel the same again. My Bible is covered in markings, highlights, and notes—so much great stuff!

I still have this burning desire to “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deut. 6:5), but I honestly have no idea what that looks like considering how much I still struggle with my flesh.

Last night in our Daniel study we talked about doing what God has called and created us to do. Some of the girls asked, “How do you know if you’re doing what He called you to do?” I mentioned that Scripture helps us—but it asks us to do really hard things. It’s much easier to go about our business than obey Him wholeheartedly. When they asked, “Like what?” I brought up the disciples leaving everything to follow Jesus. I mentioned Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the Kingdom of heaven…” Then Luke 14:26 came to mind: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother… yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” And of course the Deuteronomy verse calling us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and strength. These are hard things.

It’s those words—everything, first, hate his own life, all—that shake us to our core. Jesus didn’t say, “Follow me when it’s convenient,” or “Love me with whatever is left over.” His call is total.

Right after this conversation, the video started, and Beth Moore immediately began talking about Antiochus IV Epiphanes ceasing the daily sacrifice—and how that parallels the state of our hearts. She brought up 2 Timothy 3:2–5:

“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

She said all those attitudes stem from selfishness, which keeps us from becoming “living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1). Selfishness versus sacrifice. And how it keeps us from living out God’s calling.

I looked around at the ladies and said, “Was Beth in the room with us?!” It was a direct answer to our questions. Thank you, Jesus, for answering us so personally.

Another phrase that has come up is being “recklessly abandoned” to Christ. Tom and I finished reading The Naked Church by Wayne Jacobsen and were blown away. He also wrote So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore, which I read about a year and a half ago, so we’re reading it again. These books speak truth with love and humility.

Wayne mentioned the phrase “recklessly abandoned,” and it ties right into everything I’m wrestling with. What does that look like in real life? I love Beth Moore, and I’m learning a ton from her, but I don’t think she shows us what this specifically looks like. The only clear examples are in Scripture—John the Baptist living in the wilderness, eating locusts and honey, wearing strange clothes, and being beheaded for his faith. The disciples leaving jobs, family, and reputation, then being martyred. Jesus Himself saying, “The Son of Man has no place to lay His head...” (Matt. 8:20).

These are our examples. Lord, how do I get there?

A friend shared a teaching that really struck me. The teacher talked about musicians and how people “worship” them—not the ones who buy the music or go to concerts, but the ones who imitate them. He used Michael Jackson as an example: the people who dress like him, wear the glove, copy the hair and style—those are the ones who worship him.

So what does that mean for us as Christians? Who do we look like? Who do we imitate? Honestly, sometimes you can’t tell the difference between Christians and non-Christians. Are we trying to look like the world so we don’t stand out? Or are we worshiping the world more than Christ? If we truly worshiped Him, wouldn’t we want to look like Him? OUCH.

Lord, make me more like You and less like the world.

Lastly, I think “prayer requests” are from Satan and the pit of hell. I realized this last night after we spent our whole prayer time discussing prayer requests and never actually prayed. After such a powerful night of God answering our questions so directly, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting us to pray right then. But I was asked to wait until everyone shared their requests. We ran out of time, and prayer never happened. I left frustrated and feeling robbed of that moment for God to solidify His message to our hearts.

It reminded me of how often this happens in Christian groups. I’m now convinced that formal “prayer requests” should be avoided. Instead, let each person pray what God has put on their heart and let the rest of us agree in prayer. Okay… stepping off my soapbox now.

“O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant of love with those who love Him and obey His commands, let Your ear be attentive and Your eyes open to hear the prayer Your servant is praying before You day and night for Your servants—the Body of Christ. I confess the sins we, including myself and my household, have committed against You. We have acted wickedly toward You. We have not obeyed the instructions in Your Word. We are Your servants and Your people, whom You redeemed by the blood of Your Son and Your mighty hand. O Lord, let Your ear be attentive to the prayer of Your servant and to the prayers of Your servants who delight in revering Your name. Help us to be ‘recklessly abandoned’ in our service and worship of You. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
(Adapted from the prayer of Nehemiah.)