Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Week of Revelation and Confirmation

This has been a great week!

On Sunday, we attended the Acts Bible study, and it was absolutely amazing. NL did a phenomenal job explaining Pentecost and how the Old Testament is fulfilled in Jesus, even through the feast days and traditions of the Israelites. I also met M’s mom, and we instantly connected. M suggested that her mom read Beth Moore’s Jesus: 90 Days with the One and Only, so she started going through it, and M invited me to join them. We set up Monday mornings to meet and go through it together.

Then, on Monday, a few ladies and I gathered to share what God has been laying on our hearts through visions and dreams. It all seemed to center around women coming together, working together to take back what the enemy has stolen. It was an absolutely incredible time! We each shared our testimonies, our passion for women, and what we are currently doing in ministry. The presence of God was so powerful—I had goosebumps most of the time and was in tears by the end, overwhelmed by what He is doing in all our lives.

That evening, we had dinner with K and D, and they agreed to go through the Marriage on the Rock study with us! Now we are praying that God will bring one or two more couples to join us.

Then, last night, the pastor and his wife came over for dinner so we could share everything going on in our lives. Before they arrived, I felt strongly that we needed to start the evening by blessing them with a foot washing. I had been reading Living Life Boldly by Ted Roberts, and in it, there was a story about a young man who called Ted and said he wanted to bless him by washing his feet. After reading that, I felt the Lord impress on my heart that we needed to do the same for our pastors. I knew it would set the tone for the evening, keeping our hearts humble and showing them that we were not trying to be rebellious but truly desired to follow God with all that we are.

The conversation went about as I expected, but it ended on a miraculous note. They kept trying to convince us that not paying our debts contradicted God’s Word. They were fine with everything else, but that one piece didn’t sit right with them. We tried to explain that we believed God told us He would pay it off, so the debt would not go unpaid. At one point, the pastor asked Tom, “If I got you a job tomorrow, would you go to work?” Tom responded, “I would have to pray about it.” They reminded us that many people in ministry still work regular jobs and that there’s nothing wrong with that—it’s just the way things are. We heard them, we understood, but we still felt that God was leading us in a different direction.

Then, the pastor asked, “At what point will you say enough is enough? When will this end? Would you consider setting a timeline—laying out a ‘fleece’—so that if by a certain date God has not done what He said He would, you would be willing to reconsider?” Tom and I both agreed that we could do that. We felt that God would honor the request and, if we were off track, the timeline would help us see when we needed to adjust course.

The pastor said he would pray about it over the weekend and ask God for that date. I am so at peace with this! I believe God will honor our desire for the pastor to see what He is doing, and He will reveal the right timeline. If we’re mistaken, then we’ll have clarity.

At the end of the evening, we all got on our knees and prayed. When we finished, the pastor said he felt in his spirit that he needed to be very careful about declaring what was or wasn’t from God. He admitted that, while it may seem like our perspectives are at odds, we needed to pray and ask God how they actually fit together. I was so pleasantly surprised to hear him say that! He also said that he could see and feel that our hearts were truly sincere and open to hearing from God. If he hadn’t felt that way, he would have asked us to step down from leadership at the church.

Praise you, Jesus! It wasn’t about keeping our leadership roles, but rather the fact that our pastor was listening to the Holy Spirit!

One more thing—when we were talking about the timeline, the pastor said, “If God actually does what you believe He said He would, I will come back and apologize for almost leading you in the wrong direction.” Wow.

I went to bed at 11:00 exhausted but only slept until 2:30. My thoughts kept circling back to the evening, replaying things I could have said. I had to keep reminding myself to let it go and just pray. Finally, at 5:00 AM, I got up with Tom.

One thought that kept coming to me was how to describe where we are right now. It’s like we’ve stepped out of the natural and into the miraculous. I’ve never spent so much time in prayer or in the Word. Scripture is coming alive to me in a way it never has before. I see things I never saw before. My faith has grown tremendously, and God feels bigger in my life than ever before. The people in the Bible feel more real, like I understand them in a deeper way. God is speaking to me and through me more. I feel alive in ways I never have, and I see so many opportunities to grow and minister.

So when people suggest we should “go back” to work, it feels like we’re being asked to step out of the miraculous and back into a world of limits and the status quo. I imagine it’s how the disciples would have felt if, after walking with Jesus, seeing His miracles, and hearing His words, someone had told them to go back to their fishing boats and their old lives.

I don’t want to go back.

Father, thank you that you are greater than I can imagine and that nothing is impossible for you!

This morning, Tom thought of 1 John 3:21-24:

"Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God and receive from Him anything we ask, because we obey His commands and do what pleases Him. And this is His command: to believe in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, and to love one another as He commanded us. Those who obey His commands live in Him, and He in them. And this is how we know that He lives in us: We know it by the Spirit He gave us."

Both Tom and I feel that our hearts do not condemn us—we truly believe we are doing the right thing.

Lord, if we are in error, convict us. Let your Holy Spirit reveal the truth. We want to follow only You.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Battling Doubt, Clinging to Truth

Overall, yesterday was a good day. I spent a lot of time praying, reading, and resting in the Lord. But I also fought a battle in my mind and thoughts.

Last night, Tom and I were reading Living Life Boldly, and it talked about how most Christians are “sitting on the sidelines” instead of getting in the game. Tom loves the football analogy—preparing, training, and feeling the thrill of being called in by the Coach to play. As we discussed it, I shared how excited I felt about finally being called in. After years on the bench, I was on the field, ready to play—only to find out there had been a mistake, and I wasn’t actually supposed to be there. The sinking feeling of disappointment was overwhelming.

That fear—that I’ve made a mistake and wasn’t actually called—is where my battle is right now. But I know this is a spiritual attack. The enemy is trying to discourage me and make me doubt my calling.

"When He has brought out all His own, He goes on ahead of them, and His sheep follow Him because they know His voice." – John 10:4

I know my Shepherd’s voice. I need to hold onto the truth and trust that He is leading me correctly.

Another struggle I’ve had is second-guessing the idea of setting a “date.” The enemy keeps whispering, “What if God doesn’t come through by the date that is set?” Our commitment was that, if that happened, we would go back into the world. But I don’t know that I could do that! I don’t want to limit God by setting timelines for Him to meet.

Lord, I pray that we are not trying to box You in or limit You. I pray that You will be the one in control of whatever date is set—not us!

Another thing that has been concerning me is that I haven’t heard from KT, my mentor. I was so excited to have a mentor, and then she just disappeared and hasn’t responded to my emails. But then, this morning, I got her Power Minute devotional, and I realized why—she’s been under attack too!

It made me feel bad for being so focused on myself, but something else about the Power Minute struck me. It was based on one of the exact scriptures God gave us months ago to encourage us:

"Moses told the people, Fear not; stand still (firm, confident, undismayed) and see the salvation of the Lord which He will work for you today. For the Egyptians you have seen today you shall never see again." – Exodus 14:13 (AMP)

Thank you, Jesus, that you care enough to encourage us over and over again and never grow weary of it. You know how weak we are, yet you continually reveal your love in such incredible ways!

Today, I choose to listen to the truth in Jesus’ name!

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2022 Insert – Tom’s Perspective:

I was never comfortable with setting any kind of date. I was fully committed to following the Lord’s leading, even if it meant dying of starvation. I would rather die trusting Him than give up just because it was too hard or because someone else didn’t agree with it.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Pondering Mary’s Faith

In my private time with the Lord over the last several days, He has repeatedly brought up Mary and the conception of Jesus. I’ve been meditating on what He is trying to tell me.

The 90 Days with Jesus book that M had me get begins with Mary’s story—what it must have been like for her to experience all that she did. Then, in the mentoring book I’m going through with C, there is a section about Elizabeth “mentoring” Mary through that time. Elizabeth was living in her own miracle—having a child in her old age—while also blessing Mary as she walked through the impossible. And last night, at home group, we watched The Nativity and saw her story played out again. I found myself wondering and pondering even more about what it must have been like for Mary.

The movie really emphasized how she was the only one who truly knew the truth of what was happening to her. Everyone around her questioned her story, her integrity, and even her sanity. (Hmmm… as I write this, I’m getting Holy Spirit goosebumps!)

And then, last night in the movie, Elizabeth said, “Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!” That verse struck me because the Lord had already given it to me a few days ago while I was going through the Hope Journal—yet another source where this story came up! It warmed my heart then, but this morning, as I was reading 90 Days with Jesus, that same scripture was part of the reading!

This is not a coincidence.

Lord, help me to see what You are trying to show me. Open my blind eyes so that I can fully see You. I feel like You are trying to reveal something important, and I don’t want to miss it. I see the connection to “Blessed is she who has believed…”, and I see how it relates to the fact that others don’t see what You have spoken to me. My integrity is being questioned, just as Mary’s was. But I feel like there is so much more You want to reveal.

I will continue to meditate and ponder these words in my heart, just as Mary did. Lord, I trust You to reveal Yourself in Your perfect timing.

Amen!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Strength for the Journey

On Sunday, we found out from SS that they placed another upset bid on Friday, which means the ten-day window has been extended again—now until the 22nd. Wow. God, You continue to amaze me!

Yesterday was such a good day! I met with M and her mom for our first day of the 90 Days with the One and Only study. I loved listening to their perspectives—it was such a great conversation! But the best part of all? M’s mom prayed and gave her life to Jesus! That was incredible!

During our study, we spent some time reflecting on Mary’s visit with Elizabeth—how important that time must have been for her. She was encouraged, lifted up, and strengthened before she had to face her family and Joseph with the news of her pregnancy. It was like Jesus was shoring her up to prepare her for what was coming.

That really struck a chord with me, because I realized God did the same thing for Tom and me. When we went up to the mountains for our anniversary—the same day my car was taken away—He was shoring us up for the battles we would face in the days ahead. What an amazing bit of insight!

On my way to meet them yesterday morning, I noticed that I was already exhausted. The last four nights, I’ve slept straight through, which never happens! I mentioned this to the Lord, and He reminded me—I’ve started a new job. I’m using parts of my mind, emotions, and spiritual muscles that I’m not used to. He brought to mind how I felt when I first started waiting tables, or when I began working at Alerts and Icoria—I was always exhausted in the beginning because I was doing something new.

I laughed and said, “You’re right! This is a new job!” It’s stretching me in ways I hadn’t expected, and of course, that’s going to take a toll.

Today, I’m meeting with C (A’s girlfriend) for lunch.

Lord, I pray that You would guide my heart. Let my words and thoughts be directed by You alone. May I speak Your words—not my own.

Amen.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Breaking Chains and Beginning Healing

It has taken me a little while to process everything that happened the rest of the day on Tuesday. So much was said, and I’m still trying to take it all in.

I did meet with C for lunch, and it was a powerful time of sharing our hearts. She was more herself than I’ve ever seen her. She opened up about how she’s been terrified of Tom and me because of our “religion” and “faith.”

She explained that in her last relationship, the guy’s parents were “ministers,” but they treated her like she had an evil spirit—sprinkling holy water on her and trying to exorcise demons out of her. They even refused to let her step foot into their church because of her past. Hearing that broke my heart. No wonder she was afraid of us and expected rejection.

I told her that we are not “religious” and that there is a huge difference between religion and relationship. My heart—my calling—is to help people see that difference so they can remove religion and pursue Jesus instead.

We also spent time talking about A—how much Tom and I hurt him while he was growing up. We know we wounded him deeply, and we desperately want to make things right.

I shared with C that my hope is for A to finally pour out all his hurt and anger—to tell us every way we failed him. My deepest desire is for all of that pain to be removed from his heart so he can be healed and become who God designed him to be.

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2022 Insert – Linda:
I work with elderly women, and at this point, Marteen was just an elderly friend I spent time with when I could. Later, it became official, and I worked with her regularly. She has since passed away, so I am keeping her name in.

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After lunch, my next meeting was canceled, so I called Marteen and spent a few hours with her before heading to my dinner meeting. Only one lady was able to make it, so I planned to have a nice one-on-one with her.

But then—A called.

He knew I was in a meeting, but he asked if I could come home now. He and C were on their way over, and he needed to talk.

There was no hesitation. I explained the situation to the lady, had our meals packed to go, and left immediately.

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When I got home, A and C had just arrived. That night was one of the hardest but most important conversations we’ve ever had.

A finally began to release years of bottled-up hurt.

He told us that around us, he still feels like an eight or nine-year-old boy—constantly striving for the acceptance and approval he never felt he got.

C shared that when A isn’t around us, he is a completely different person. She gets angry at him for how he shrinks into a childlike state, constantly trying to please us.

Most of A’s hurt and anger was directed at me.

• He felt like I never truly mothered him or connected with him emotionally.
• He resented that we moved him away from his family in California to start the church in North Carolina—the very church that wounded him when he was most vulnerable.
• He was even jealous of my relationship with God. He felt like I was closer to God than I ever was to him.

That last one… it broke me. Because it was true.

Tears streamed down my face the entire time he spoke. If there had been a bucket under me, I might have filled it. Tears of regret, heartache for A, and thankfulness that he was finally sharing his heart.

As painful as it was, it was good. It was necessary. It was a start to healing.

One of the biggest revelations I had that night was how our involvement in organized church actually damaged our family.

We thought we were doing the right thing—being leaders, pouring our lives into ministry, raising our kids in that environment. But now, as we are learning more about House Church—where families worship and grow together—I see how much time we spent separate from our children in the church.

Since Tom was angry at God for so long, our kids didn’t receive much spiritual guidance at home either. They got the double whammy—hurtful, wounded parents and an all-consuming church that stole time away from them.

It will take time to process everything that was said, but I’m so grateful we’ve begun this journey toward healing.

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Today’s Hope Journal Reading:

Psalm 5:11-12

"But let all who take refuge in you be glad;
let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,
that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

"For surely, O LORD, you bless the righteous;
you surround them with your favor as with a shield."

Thank you, Jesus, for being in control!

Amen. 😊

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Mary’s Faith and the Miracle of a Child

I just finished reading part of 90 Days with the One and Only, where Beth takes you into the stable—into that quiet moment where Mary is alone with baby Jesus after everyone else is gone and asleep. She paints a picture of what Mary might have been thinking and feeling in that sacred stillness.

It was so special to imagine.

One of God’s perfect plans in all of this is that I now have a new baby grandson. That makes it so easy for me to picture just how small and helpless Jesus must have been. I can feel the love, awe, and amazement of birthing a child—the smell, the touch, the warmth of something so tiny and precious.

I was remembering back to when my own babies were born—that instant, overwhelming love a mother feels after giving birth. You have no concept of what that is like until you experience it yourself. It’s one of the many miracles of creation—the way a child is completely dependent on you for survival.

And then I tried to picture myself in Mary’s place.

If I were her, wouldn’t I want to see some sign that this baby was truly God in the flesh? Maybe a look in His eye, a “knowing” wink—something that confirmed it?

But Mary simply saw a helpless newborn, needing all of her love and care to survive.

What incredible faith she must have had!

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Lord, You are amazing. Your simplicity and complexity are woven together so perfectly.

Thank You for the many gifts You give us—those we recognize and those we don’t even notice.

Amen.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Day of Expectation and Confirmation

Today is the day—the final opportunity for another upset bid before the sale is final (or maybe it’s already final? I’m not entirely sure). Either way, it feels significant.

Yesterday was amazing. I had one-on-one time with M, where I was able to share what’s been happening in our lives. I also met someone new for lunch, and we decided to start the study Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. I’m really looking forward to that!

Later, E and M came over for dinner, cards, and a powerful time of prayer—which lasted past 1:00 a.m.! Even though I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep, the prayer time was so good. I woke up this morning repenting for my weak flesh and selfishness.

Sunday’s Acts Bible Study was also a blessing. We ran into a couple we hadn’t seen in 10 years—definitely a God appointment. As we shared what the Lord is doing in our lives, they deeply related and expressed a desire to meet with us again.

When I shared with C about how God kept bringing up Mary and the birth of Jesus, she immediately said the word “birthing”—as if God was birthing something new.

I didn’t think much of it at first, but then M pointed out that from our last house payment in April until now is exactly 9 months—the length of a pregnancy.

Wow.

This morning, as I was lying in bed processing everything, I suddenly felt energized—a deep sense of expectation rising within me.

And then I laughed—because the word “expecting” ties right into pregnancy and birth.

It’s like God is giving birth to something in our lives.

On Sunday, our pastor called, but we didn’t connect until yesterday. He shared that he had prayed all last week but hadn’t received any specific direction from the Lord.

Then, this week, he felt the Lord saying:

"Something happened with you this past week that would clarify things for you."

Tom and I couldn’t think of one major thing, but rather, a series of confirmations—God continually affirming that we are exactly where we’re supposed to be.

We were so thankful that he didn’t come back with a “date” or anything like that.

Thank You, Jesus.

Last night, CB sent out a devotional that spoke directly to my heart:

The Lord asks: Are you not in My kingdom? Do you not live in the Kingdom of God? Is not My Word true?

Many of you are like grasshoppers in your own sight. You are not receiving by revelation the glory of My Kingdom...

None of you is without strength. None is weak. None is without revelation, for I live within you. My Word I give unto you, and My Spirit I bring upon you to confirm that which has been hidden in your heart.

Fear not. Lay aside all doubt, and come boldly before the throne of grace, and you shall receive, says the Lord.

What a timely and powerful reminder.

God, I trust You.

I choose to expect the new thing You are bringing forth in this season.

Amen.