Sunday, December 14, 2008

Restored Ground and Renewed Hope

Today was another great day! Tom and I spent the morning together with the Lord and reconnected some more. God is so good! I know that the prayer from Friday night had a lot to do with this. We feel like we are gaining back some of the ground we had lost.

Another cool thing is that the tire is holding air now! NL prayed and God answered :) Also, Tom looked up online the situation with our camera and found out that there is a recall on this problem, and Canon will repair it for FREE! Thank you, Jesus! Now, all that still needs a resolution is Tom’s teeth. I know our God is faithful to answer all prayers in His perfect way and timing.

I had lunch with KK today, and during the lunch we discussed the logistics of us staying at her house while she is gone. The cool and interesting part is that she had already made arrangements for her dog to stay at someone else’s house, so we won’t need to worry about staying the night there every night. That really helps, because the other two houses required that we spend the night because of the animals. So now it simplifies the logistics of it all. We could have done it, but we would have had to sleep in two separate places—and now we don’t! Another big thank you to the Lord! :)

We really enjoyed going to B and L’s tonight! It was great seeing everyone again, and we got involved in a conversation with a couple of ladies who are struggling in their marriages. We stayed and talked with them the whole night. God was there in a big way—guiding and directing the conversation, the people who joined in, and what was said. They walked away feeling so much lighter and freer, yet burdened for their husbands in a different way! It was so cool to watch God work in such a wonderful way.

Lord, thank you so much for your Holy Spirit that guides and directs healing and freedom for your children! I pray that these ladies will go home and seek your face, continuing down this path of healing for their marriages.

“Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
—2 Corinthians 3:17

Power of a Praying Wife prayer:

Lord, I pray for Your healing touch on Tom. Make every part of his body function the way You designed it to. Wherever there is anything out of balance, set it in perfect working order. Heal him of any disease, illness, injury, infirmity, or weakness. Strengthen his body to successfully endure his workload, and when he sleeps, may he wake up refreshed. I pray that he will have the desire to take care of his body, to eat the kind of food that brings health, to get regular exercise, and avoid anything that would be harmful to him. Help him to understand that his body is Your temple and he should care for it as such (1 Corinthians 3:16).

“I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you.”
—2 Kings 20:5

Monday, December 22, 2008

Training Pods, Rejection, and His Enduring Love

Well, yesterday was moving day! We moved into KK’s place and have settled in. She has a very nice home, and Tom is enjoying the internet connection for his computer while I’m enjoying having mine back. :) It was such a blessing to stay with M and L—we are so grateful for their kindness, hospitality, and generosity! I pray that we were as much of a blessing to them as they were to us.

On Friday, I was talking with SW and MJ before lunch, and I explained how I’ve been seeing each place the Lord has brought us to as a kind of “training pod.” In each place, God is teaching us something new, or revealing areas in ourselves that need to be removed or refined.

On Saturday, I had lunch with CT, and she gave me some tea called Get a Grip for PMS and menopause! I laughed because I soooo need help in that area. I guess she (and everyone else) knows how much I struggle with it. I’ve come to the conclusion that the Lord uses those times to bring the “dross” to the surface in me—because I can see so much ugliness come out. Lord, help me shed that ugliness and replace it with godly traits. The scripture that keeps coming to mind for me in those moments is:

“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
—Philippians 4:8

The Lord has also been keeping me busy with the new ladies He keeps bringing into my life. It’s so amazing to watch Him work in people’s lives—and such a blessing to be part of it.

Today, as I was talking with one of these ladies, her story hit me hard. I realized she had gone through major rejection. When I named it out loud, it resonated in my own spirit as something I feel myself. I recognized that when I think Tom wants to spend more time with his computer or TV than with me, I feel rejected. I don’t think I’ve ever put that into words before, but it describes it well. When I shared this with Tom, he was very receptive and agreed that it made sense. Now I just need to make sure I’m enjoyable to be with, so he doesn’t feel the need to “hide” from me and escape into those things. :)

This Christmas season has been interesting. I don’t have a place of my own to host Christmas, but the Lord has given me other ways to celebrate. I’ve helped a couple people decorate, and I’ve made holiday goodies (fudge and cookies) for G and F. KK’s house is beautifully decorated, so we have a tree, lights, and even a fireplace if we want one. God has given me Christmas, just in a different way this year.

In my study time today, I read Psalm 136, and I love it because every sentence is followed by the refrain: “His love endures forever.”

1 Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good.
His love endures forever.

2 Give thanks to the God of gods.
His love endures forever.

3 Give thanks to the Lord of lords:
His love endures forever.

4 to him who alone does great wonders,
His love endures forever.

5 who by his understanding made the heavens,
His love endures forever.

6 who spread out the earth upon the waters,
His love endures forever.

7 who made the great lights—
His love endures forever.

8 the sun to govern the day,
His love endures forever.

9 the moon and stars to govern the night;
His love endures forever…

Amen!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Quieting the Storm Within

On my way to my meeting this morning I was so amazed at the “quiet” in my head. I realized that my biggest struggle is the constant barrage of negative thoughts in my head while I am hormonal! It is so maddening because I have not been able to tune it out, stop it, or override it for any length of time! It is truly a constant battle of the mind and my sanity!! To be honest, sometimes I just get so tired of fighting this battle I just let the thoughts come and I don’t fight or counter them… I think it may feel like floating downstream instead of swimming against the current—but unfortunately, I know there is a waterfall not too far away, so I have to start swimming again before I drift too far down.

It was so nice this morning to hear the “silence” that I was praising God all the way to my meeting. I also would imagine that it is similar to what guys deal with when they have pornographic images rolling constantly in their minds. Once the images get burned in, it is almost impossible to get them out. Tom was blessed in that God miraculously removed those images from his mind, and he described it the same way—it suddenly got “quiet” in his head when they were removed.

The other thing that I notice is that God gets bigger again. When the quiet and calm come, I remember that He is in control of EVERYTHING and I don’t have to worry about a thing! When it is noisy, for some reason I feel like I need to control more or fix or do things! But God doesn’t need me to do, fix, or control a thing. He just wants me to look to Him for all things and trust Him with and for all things.

After my meeting I went to Marteen’s and helped her fix her Christmas Eve meal for her family. We had a good time shopping and cooking together. I pray that all we did will turn out well and everyone enjoys it.

When I got home, Tom and I spent some more time talking again. He was saying how unmotivated and depressed he has been lately. He didn’t do anything I had asked him to do while I was gone, and he felt bad about that. While he was talking, I was remembering how hard this year has been for him, and I said that he was probably grieving the losses that he has experienced this year. That really affected him. He said that he has been talking about how much he has lost, but he didn’t realize that the depression and lack of motivation and all that he was feeling was actually the grieving of those losses.

He said that he feels like he is grieving the loss of “Tom Daniels” — who he once was. His thoughts, desires, ideals, and traditions… everything he built his life on before. Then I realized that I have been trying to “run ahead” of him in our walk and feeling like he is holding me back from the plans that God has for us… and then I remembered the prophecy that was spoken over me in July of 2007. She said that I like to run ahead of Tom but told me that I needed to wait for him. In this case, I need to wait for him to go through this grieving process and not rush him through it. He has to go through this and complete the process, and I need to wait patiently for God to walk him through it.

Thank you, Lord, for this insight, and please give me the strength to do Your will and not my own!

I remembered a couple times today something CT said on Saturday during our lunch. She was reading her notes from the Benny Hinn “Fire Convention” from this summer, and he said that how we can tell if something is from God or Satan is: God only gives you small bits and pieces of His plan at a time, but Satan gives you the whole thing! While Tom and I were talking tonight, he brought up a couple of instances that seemed to be from God, but they didn’t pan out that way. The first was our thoughts about doing a “Couples Retreat” in our home (or somewhere). When I thought of it, I saw the whole thing all at once… well, most of it anyway. And the other was doing house church at DD’s house. Neither one of those panned out at all.

So… were those thoughts planted by Satan? I don’t want to say God doesn’t want us to do those things, but maybe we tried to make them happen before God wanted them to. Again, Lord, help me to do Your will and not my own. Help me to crucify my flesh and desires and take on Yours.

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" — Galatians 2:21–22

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Lavished in Love and Lessons

We have had a wonderful Christmas time. G and F gave me a Christmas gift (hand lotion), and in their card they gave me $40! So that enabled us to go Christmas shopping for the grandkids. On Christmas Eve we braved the crowds and shopped for the kids. After that, we moved over to T’s house and took care of the animals before we left for C’s family gathering at 3:00. They had a wonderful spread of munchies, and we helped trim the tree and played Pictionary.

Then, much to our surprise, when they started opening their stocking gifts, they gave us a stocking as well! They stuffed it with gift cards, a cross necklace for me, and a bottle of scotch for Tom. I was so overwhelmed and blessed that tears started flowing, and I had a hard time stopping them!! We were very humbled and blessed by their kindness and generosity.

Christmas Day we went to R and E’s and had brunch when we got there, and then the kids opened their gifts from us. R and E also gave us our own Christmas stockings, and we got some trail mix and candy bars :) R made a wonderful Christmas dinner with roasted chicken, potatoes, and green beans. I made a Jell-O dessert from a recipe that I got from CT, and it turned out great! After the kids went to bed, we played cards and hung out for a while.

For some reason the subject of A and C came up, and I got all emotional and started crying again. I am just so sad that my family situation is such that we can’t all be together, and I guess I was just feeling the sadness more than usual…

G’s daughter-in-law called me and asked if Tom and I could come over to G and F’s on the 26th to meet her family since they would be in town. So, we did and had a very nice visit. She gave me a Christmas gift when we left—it was a book about God being in all the small stuff at Christmas and a card with a check for $150!! Wow. Thank you, Lord, for lavishing us with Your love and gifts this year!

Before KK left for her vacation, she said she had some movie passes that would expire on the 31st and offered them to us for a date night (along with a popcorn bucket that they refill for 50 cents!). So, on Saturday the 27th, Tom and I went to a matinee and saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I thought it was a great movie! The premise was unique, the acting and make-up were great, and the set authenticity was amazing! But at the end of the movie, I started crying again and couldn’t stop… I seem to be an emotional basket case lately!! Lord, help me!

This house-sitting situation has been very challenging since we are in two different places and have some of our things in each house. We have to remember what we will need from each place for each situation (clothes and food for Christmas and Christmas Eve, and so on) and then where we are going back to at the end of the day!! Fortunately, we managed to do well and had all we needed in each place and went back to the right house at the end of the day. We moved out of T’s house today and back into KK’s, where we’ll stay one day before M and A leave—and then we’ll shift over to their house.

I have been running over again and again in my head the Believing God mantra from Beth Moore’s study:

“God is who He says He is!
He will do what He says He will do!
I am who He says I am!
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
I BELIEVE IN GOD!!!”

This is helping me keep my thoughts from veering too far off the path.

Tom’s men’s meeting on Friday morning was good even though it was just him and one other guy. Tom said that the man had some good insight regarding Mary, the mother of Jesus. He said that she could be considered a prophet because she “delivered the Word of God to His people”! How cool is that? Actually, even her song that she sings is sort of prophetic in Luke 1:46–55.

“My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for He has been mindful of the humble state of His servant.
From now on all generations will call me blessed…”
— Luke 1:46–48

Lord, thank You for Your love and faithfulness to Your children!

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Stepping into the Unknown with Faith 

Happy New Year!!

I want one of the first things I write this year to be praises to my Lord and Savior! God, You are so good and faithful. Thank You for all You do for us—the things we see and the countless things we do not see.

This has been one of the hardest stretches of time I’ve had in a long while, yet through it all I’ve known that God has been with me and that I am right where I need to be. When thoughts came urging me to leave my husband, I knew it was the enemy—and I fought back. When discouragement whispered for me to quit this “insane” life we’re living, I thought of God’s faithfulness. I couldn’t give up on Him when He has been there for me at every turn.

I’ve battled depression and the desire to isolate—to stop writing, to withdraw from people—because I couldn’t see the miracles God was doing every day. But then the Holy Spirit would gently remind me of all that He has done, both big and small, and I’d feel conviction, repent, and turn my heart back to praise.

Looking back, 2008 was the most difficult year of my life—but also the most amazing and miraculous. I have seen God more clearly than ever before. I think I can now relate a little to Job when he said,

“My ears had heard of you, but now my eyes have seen you.”
— Job 42:5

On Tuesday morning, I was feeling heavy and gloomy. I apologized to Tom for being so hard to live with lately, and he laid hands on me and prayed that the Lord would restore my joy. I felt so much better afterward.

We had planned to help A and C move that day, but someone broke into their apartment and stole his laptop, leaving them too upset to socialize. So instead, Tom and I went shopping with the gift cards we received and used my Outback gift card for dinner. We had such a good time together—thank You, Jesus! It felt like we had victory over the enemy and a sweet reprieve from the battle.

The next morning, my thoughts drifted toward wondering where we’d go on Sunday since both KK and M & A would be home. But I stopped myself and said, “Lord, I trust You!” I thanked Him for handling all the details, knowing He would show us what’s next in His timing.

At other times when those anxious thoughts came, I remembered Marteen’s offer to let us stay with her—but the Holy Spirit reminded me that we are not to ask anyone for anything, only to trust that He will provide. Once again, I was reassured that He has it all handled.

Then, Wednesday morning as Tom and I ate breakfast, he looked at his phone and saw a text message from TB:

“If you two could deal with three kids being there on weekends, I think there would be room for you at my townhome. Pray & call me later.” — 5:39 a.m., Wednesday, Dec. 31

WOW. We sat there stunned, amazed, and completely in awe. We prayed right then, knowing this was the door God had opened for us—it came unexpectedly and was the only option before us! Tom called him back, and as it turned out, TB was moving into his townhome that weekend and said we could move in on Sunday.

Thank You, Jesus, for Your amazing timing and provision!

Tom later shared that whenever he talks with TB about what God has been doing in our lives, TB is always encouraged. He said our testimony gives him hope that God can still do miraculous things in people’s lives. Now, TB is thankful that he can be a small part of our story. Tom said, “His name is written in the Lamb’s Book of Life, and now it will also be written in our testimony too.”

It’s not about us—it’s all about God’s glory and faithfulness!

Lately, Tom and I have been listening to a song by Brooke Fraser called “Mystery.” The chorus captures our hearts perfectly:

Your love endures forever
And Your love changes me
Your love makes me whole, makes me better
Your love endures.

Amen.

Monday, January 05, 2009

Many Homes, One Faithful God

This year is off to a great start! :) God keeps showing up in such wonderful and unexpected ways.

When I looked back at my journal from the beginning of last year, we were about to lose our home and were hanging on to God with all our might—waiting for Him to do something to save it. This year, we are overflowing with gratitude for His awesome provision and for all the homes He has given us since then.

We’ve stayed in some very nice places—beautiful homes that seemed random and strange at first, yet were always such blessings. I’ve often smiled at how God’s provision doesn’t always look the way we expect it to! We may have lost a house in Fuquay, but we’ve gained many homes and far more than we could have ever imagined in Christ.

“In My Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.” — John 14:2

He is so faithful in His provision—it just doesn’t always come wrapped in the form we anticipate.

On Saturday morning, we cleaned KK’s house for her return on Sunday and then went to E’s house for M’s first birthday celebration. Our niece flew in from California, R’s mom drove in from Colorado, and even A came over to celebrate. R surprised us too—he was supposed to be gone for Iraq training but the Lord worked it out so he could be there. It was such a sweet blessing to have everyone together, and my heart was full. It was especially healing to have A there—thank You, Lord, for these small steps of restoration.

On Sunday, we cleaned M and A’s house for their return later that evening and spent most of the day moving both TB and ourselves into the townhouse. A friend of ours had passed away from cancer on New Year’s Eve, and we attended the memorial service that evening. The service was filled with people we hadn’t seen in a long time, many who had moved on to different places and churches. It was so good to reconnect and catch up with familiar faces.

During the meal afterward, Pastor J came up to us and said he had been thinking about something that made him think of us. He explained that some friends of his in Texas worked with realty companies and stayed in homes for extended periods while the owners were away—nine months to a year at a time. He thought that might be something we could do since we’re still “transient.”

We told him we’d actually thought about that and looked into it a little, but the Lord hadn’t opened that door yet. (I mentioned it to AR on our way home from the airport, and she said that if that ever does happen, we now have some great references! :))

I don’t know whether God will take us in that direction, but I trust there’s always a reason He plants certain ideas or brings people across our path. We’ll see what unfolds in His timing.

After the service, we finished up some moving tasks and then picked M and A up from the airport. To our surprise, M handed us a check for $100! What an unexpected blessing—thank You, Lord!

As we drove away, we said goodbye to our “Preston homes” and hello to a new chapter in this adventure. (All three of the houses we’d stayed in since September were within a block or two of each other!)

Thank You, Lord, for making Sunday such a good day and for how smoothly everything went. Only You could have helped us accomplish so much in such a short time and have it all unfold so perfectly.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

The Bat Cave and the Blessing

We are slowly getting settled here at TB’s townhouse. His situation is such that he is basically starting from scratch, so we are trying to make sure we have everything we need for everyday living and eating. Since we had the blessing from M and A, Tom and I went to the dollar store, Target, and Wal-Mart trying to find things we needed for very little money. I found myself starting to get frustrated that we were spending money on things we already had in storage, thinking we really couldn’t afford to do this! But Tom and I had talked about the fact that we could bring the things over from storage, but then TB wouldn’t have them when we left, so we needed to get things he could keep for himself. Honestly, I was at the point where I wouldn’t have cared whether our things from storage stayed here or not because I know that the Lord will provide what we need down the road, but Tom wasn’t feeling the same way… I guess this is another area where I need to wait for him.

As I reflected on how faithful God has been in His provision, I had to correct my feelings of frustration and release it to the Lord, saying, “Lord, even in this area I know you will provide!” Then peace came, and I was able to relax. We were able to get a lot with the little amount we had, and TB did some shopping too, so things are starting to come together.

H’s parents were here for the holidays, and she wanted me to meet her dad (I had already met her mom), so I went over to her house last night to spend some time with them. H and her dad were not there when I first arrived, so her mom and I had a nice time chatting while we waited for them to return. She asked me how I could live the life I am living and marveled at my faith. I told her there was no way we could do this without the strength and anointing from the Lord! I also told her I felt like my faith was still weak and that I still had a very long way to go.

It’s like the closer you get to God, the more you see how far away you really are… the more faith I have, the more I see how much more I need.

I mentioned that even in this recent move, when we showed up at TB’s house and all the other guys were there to help him, I had this unexpected rush of embarrassment and self-consciousness. I wondered what these people were thinking of us and hoped they did not think we were “moving in on” or “mooching from” TB, or taking advantage of him! I was surprised to have those thoughts, but that just goes to show how far I am from where I want and need to be in my faith. This life is still very hard to do! Granted, it’s not as hard as it was originally, but it’s still not as easy as I hope it will be one day.

H’s mom gave me a couple of gifts for Christmas as a “thank you” for being a friend to H (some oil and vinegars for the kitchen, some special chocolates, and dessert wine). It is so humbling to have people pour out gifts to us… that was something else I mentioned to her. It is much easier for me to be the “giver” of gifts than the “receiver”! But God has placed us on the “receiving” end for a while, and I have to learn to receive as graciously as I give.

When H and her dad arrived, we had a nice dinner and got to know each other better, then ended our time together in prayer. H’s dad walked me out to the car and, when he shook my hand, he slipped me $40!! At that moment, the Holy Spirit reminded me of my earlier concern and frustration and said, “See, I have it all covered, so you really don’t need to worry about anything! Just trust me!” God is so good and patient with me!

We have really enjoyed hanging out with TB here at the house. We have had some great conversations about the Lord, our walks, jobs, and struggles. On Monday night, we even spent some time in prayer together before we all went to bed. That was very cool! This townhouse has a basement that is partially finished and is enough so that Tom can set up his office down there. The former tenants even left a desk that he was able to use! Tom has deemed it the “Bat Cave” :)

Many people have asked us, “How long will you be staying here?” Well, we don’t really know at this point. On Sunday, when we were moving in, we broached the subject with TB and asked him what his time frame was. He said he didn’t have one. People were asking him as well, but he said he was leaving it up to the Lord. We told him we didn’t want him to think it was “indefinite,” but if he gave a time frame and a deadline, the Lord would provide another place for us. When one door shuts, another one opens.

Then he said he was okay with us being here, but after about 35 years we would have to talk… :) That lets us know that we aren’t talking “weeks” but more like “months.” At the same time, in our experience so far with the Lord, we have learned not to “expect” it to be a certain way because as soon as we do, God will change it up on us. So, we are still taking it one day at a time and praying, asking God for His timeline.

Thank you, Lord, for taking such good care of us and managing all the details!