Friday, May 09, 2008

Raw Emotions, Unexpected Blessings, and God’s Perfect Timing

Yesterday afternoon, after I finished writing in my journal, Tom and I spent a little time together. He ended up ranting and raving at God—hollering, stomping, pounding—doing whatever he could think of that wasn’t destructive.

He told God that if He didn’t do what Tom wanted, he was done because he “couldn’t take it any longer” (sounds a lot like something Oswald said a couple of days ago!). He was finished—“Finito!!” Basically, he had a meltdown.

Praise the LORD!! Tom has been like a seething, volatile volcano ready to erupt for at least a week, so I’m so glad he finally let it all out! I felt so bad for him as he expressed his feelings and frustrations. He said he was scared. Being a planner and project manager, not having a clear plan or direction is really hard for him.

He described it as trying to build a house, only to realize that the materials he thought were solid aren’t, while the ones he thought were weak are. God isn’t doing anything he expects, and it’s making him feel like he’s losing his mind. He said it feels like the ground beneath him is ice covered in oil—as slippery as it could possibly get.

Honestly, I was relieved he finally got all that emotion out. Now, he’s much easier to be around, and I think he’ll be able to hear the Lord more clearly. We’re still praying for confirmation on our next step.

And just to top off our wonderful week, on the way home from R & J’s house church, Tom got a speeding ticket… exactly what we needed! 😩 It’s going to cost us $135.00—one more expense to add to the list.

Later, Tom and I each had a lunch appointment, and then we met with DN. She had loaned us some books, so we were returning them and discussing the sexual addiction ministry. We had such a great conversation and reconnected!

Get this—she’s been praying for a couple to work with other couples, but she hadn’t found anyone… until now! She told us she had been praying for us (in the sense of a couple like us) for a while. And when we shared our idea for a couples retreat, she said she had just been talking about that same thing before meeting with us! We could see God’s fingerprints all over our conversation today—it was so cool. 😊

She even gave us $20 for gas! So, between that and the last $4 and some change from P, we are officially at $0… which means I really can’t wait to see what God does next!

After meeting with DN, Tom needed to go to the church to pick up some checks for Wheresoever Missions Ministry. On the way, I was thinking about stopping by LJ’s or CB’s to check in on them, but I didn’t have to—God brought them to me! LJ was already at the church when we got there, and CB showed up shortly after. It felt like such a sweet reminder that God cares about even the smallest details of our lives. And if He cares about the little things, how much more does He care about the big things? Thank you, Jesus!!

Oh! I almost forgot to mention this morning’s Spirit of Prophecy—check this out:

Small Straws in a Soft Wind by Marsha Burns (May 9, 2008):
"Beloved, clear your mind and silence your flesh. Things have not worked out as you planned, but I am bringing you by a way that you have not known, and I am doing things in your life that you have not expected. These things are for your good. I want to bring you to a higher spiritual level where you can see clearly that your position in My kingdom is not about your desires or satisfying your flesh or meeting your financial expectations; it is about living in the Spirit where My purposes become your purposes without question, says the Lord."

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." —Romans 8:28

"I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me." —Galatians 2:20

Was that not for Tom or what?! Considering he’s been battling his flesh this whole time, feeling like God isn’t providing as He said He would… God, You are amazing!! 🙌🔥

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Provision, Processing, and a Possible New Path

Well, we didn’t even get the chance to spend our last $24 before God provided again! Tom checked our account last night, and we received our economic incentive money from the government—$1,200! Praise the Lord—there’s our rent for May! Wow. With that, we’ll have enough for rent, gas, and groceries for a few days. We still have other bills due, but God knows that and will take care of it in His perfect timing.

Today was PJ’s memorial service, and it was beautiful. PW and AB led worship, and a couple of guys shared moving and inspiring testimonies. One of the last songs they played was the final song we sang on Tuesday night, and as soon as they started, a flood of memories came rushing in. I just started weeping. It was good to have that emotional release because I haven’t really had one since Tuesday—just bits and pieces here and there. But I know there’s still more to come as I process everything.

Later, on our way to A and C’s, Tom and I were talking about his 50th birthday and the possibility of going to California. Then, his parents called and said they wanted to buy us tickets so we could come! That was so cool. 😊 We started discussing how long we should stay. Tom mentioned staying until the end of July, but then I thought about E and M’s wedding and how we should be back earlier to prepare.

That led to another idea—what if we drove to California and then from there to Colorado, before heading back home? Then Tom took it a step further and said, "Maybe we should sell and pack everything and have June be our last month here—so we can drive to CA and CO without the concern of paying bills while we’re gone?" 🤯 These are all very interesting thoughts. We’ll be praying to see if this is truly what God wants or if it’s just our own idea.

One of the things LJ shared on Tuesday morning over breakfast really stuck with me. She mentioned the cocoon vision—how if the butterfly is released too early or helped, it won’t survive. I remembered reading that the struggle of getting out of the cocoon is what strengthens its wings and allows it to fly. That was such a good reminder, and I feel like it was the Lord telling me not to rush ahead or "bail out" too early, but to wait for His timing. I also feel like we’re in that struggle right now!

Last night, as Tom and I were talking and praying about what our next step should be—whether we should give S and D our 30-day notice with the rent check—Tom kept saying, "I STILL don’t feel like God is saying ‘go’ yet." And honestly, when I was looking at Craigslist, getting serious about selling stuff, it just didn’t feel right.

I told Tom I wasn’t sure if that was just fear creeping in—knowing that once we step out, there’s no turning back—or if it was the Holy Spirit saying, ‘Not yet!’ So, for now, I’m still committed to waiting until Tom hears clearly from God before we take any big steps.

Lord, help us trust Your perfect timing! 🙏

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

A Mother's Day Epiphany

Mother’s Day was a good day. We watched the kids for E and R while they went out to have some time to themselves. We took the kids to K and S’s Sunday Dinner, where they had a blast playing with the other kids. It was a great time for everyone.

That being said, I was sad that A didn’t come for Mother’s Day. This was the first time he’s missed this holiday. I guess I need to adjust my expectations and not assume he’ll always be as involved in family events as he used to be.

One of the best moments of the day came from E. She didn’t get me a card or a gift, but she shared something that meant even more. She told me she had watched the movie “Evan Almighty” and had an epiphany.

The movie is about a modern-day Noah, who follows God's instructions to build an ark, even though everyone around him thinks he's crazy. He doesn’t understand why, but he obeys anyway. People ridicule him and call him strange, but he keeps building because God told him to. Then, when the floods come, everyone finally understands—he wasn’t crazy after all.

Then E looked at me and said, "I got it! I finally get what you guys are doing! I understand now that God told you to do this, and even though it looks crazy, strange, and weird, you are just doing what He told you to do."

Wow. What an amazing Mother’s Day gift! 💛

Last night, we met for our Tuesday night group (LJ wanted to continue even though P is gone), and it was such a sweet time of worship and fellowship. I have a feeling the Lord is going to do something very special with this group, and I’m excited to see how He moves.

LJ shared that yesterday was the hardest day for her so far. I have a feeling there will be even harder days ahead, but I know the Lord will be with her every step of the way. 🙏

Friday, May 16, 2008

Hearing God Again: A Breakthrough Moment

Yesterday morning, Tom came home in an incredibly good mood. The Lord had spoken to him throughout the morning, ministering to his heart in a way that he could truly hear and receive. It all started with that day’s Oswald Chambers devotion:

The Habit of Rising to the Occasion

"And that having the eyes of your heart full of light, you may have knowledge of what is the hope of his purpose, what is the wealth of the glory of his heritage in the saints…" — Ephesians 1:18

The devotion emphasized that we are saved so that the life of Jesus may be manifested in us. We don’t achieve salvation through works, but we do have a responsibility to live it out. One line stood out to Tom more than anything else:

"If you are still the same miserable, grouchy person… then it is a lie to say that God has saved and sanctified you."

That hit home. Tom had been miserable and grouchy for weeks, making it hard to even be around him. But then, God began speaking to him—through a devotional, through people on the radio, and then through his morning meeting with RT. On his way home, the Lord continued to encourage and minister to him.

The biggest breakthrough? Tom was hearing God again. He hadn’t felt like he had heard from Him in a while, and now, the silence was broken.

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As he processed everything, Tom remembered the story of David and Uzzah—when Uzzah reached out to steady the Ark of the Covenant and was struck dead (2 Samuel 6:9).

That passage resonated with him deeply because of how he felt the previous Thursday—he experienced the fear of the Lord in a profound way. He had been going along, thinking he knew what to expect from God, and then suddenly, PJ's death shook everything. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him, leaving him with a new, holy fear of the Lord.

He realized that God used PJ’s passing to get his attention in a big way. It was a reminder that he couldn't just assume he knew what God was doing. Instead, he needed to be in a position of humility and openness to receive His direction again.

Praise the Lord for shaking things up and drawing Tom back into a place of true surrender! 🙌

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Today's Oswald Chambers devotion was just as fitting:

The Habit of Recognizing God & His Provision

"And through this he has given us the hope of great rewards highly to be valued; so that by them we might have our part in God's being, and be made free from the destruction which is in the world through the desires of the flesh." — 2 Peter 1:4

We are made "partakers of the divine nature," receiving and sharing God's own nature through His promises. Then we have to work that divine nature into our human nature by developing godly habits. The first habit to develop is the habit of recognizing God's provision for us. We say, however, "Oh, I can't afford it." One of the worst lies is wrapped up in that statement. We talk as if our heavenly Father has cut us off without a penny! We think it is a sign of true humility to say at the end of the day, "Well, I just barely got by today, but it was a severe struggle." And yet all of Almighty God is ours in the Lord Jesus! And He will reach to the last grain of sand and the remotest star to bless us if we will only obey Him. Does it really matter that our circumstances are difficult? Why shouldn't they be! If we give way to self-pity and indulge in the luxury of misery, we remove God's riches from our lives and hinder others from entering into His provision. No sin is worse than the sin of self-pity, because it removes God from the throne of our lives, replacing Him with our own self-interests. It causes us to open our mouths only to complain, and we simply become spiritual sponges --- always absorbing, never giving, and never being satisfied. And there is nothing lovely or generous about our lives.

Before God becomes satisfied with us, He will take everything of our so-called wealth, until we learn that He is our Source; as the psalmist said, "All my springs are in You" (Psa_87:7). If the majesty, grace, and power of God are not being exhibited in us, God holds us responsible. "God is able to make all grace abound toward you, that you . . . may have an abundance . . ." (2Co_9:8) --- then learn to lavish the grace of God on others, generously giving of yourself. Be marked and identified with God's nature, and His blessing will flow through you all the time.

This was so appropriate for our situation because, as of today, we will officially be at $0.

A few days ago, we rolled up our silver coins ($36 worth) and used it for gas. Today, we are heading to Wal-Mart to spend our last $15 on A’s birthday gift and cards. And yet, even in this place of having nothing left, we are thanking Jesus for His provision—because we know He will continue to provide!

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Out of nowhere, we got an invitation to MS's wedding on Wednesday night! He called to say that some family members couldn’t make it, and he had been thinking about us for the past couple of weeks, feeling led to invite us.

What’s amazing is that our marriage meeting had been canceled, and we were wondering what God wanted us to do with that time. Now we know—He wanted us at this wedding!

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To top it all off, today's Spirit of Prophecy spoke directly to what we’re walking through:

Small Straws In A Soft Wind – Marsha Burns (May 16, 2008)

"Beloved, wait for Me to unfold My plans and provision. Do nothing by the force of your own logic and will. I alone will guide you and bring you through the obstructions that the enemy has devised against you. Do not despair and refuse to be discouraged. I will send forth a decree of victory on your behalf, but you must stand strong in faith, says the Lord. Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord."

"Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. How long will you attack a man? You shall be slain, all of you, like a leaning wall and a tottering fence. They only consult to cast him down from his high position; they delight in lies; they bless with their mouth, but they curse inwardly." Psalm 62:1- 4 

What a powerful reminder to trust God’s timing and not rush ahead with our own plans. He is in control, and He will guide us through.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

A Weekend of Blessings and Challenges

We had a very busy but good weekend! MS’s wedding was absolutely beautiful, and it felt like a special “date night” for Tom and me. M and C looked so happy, and I felt a strong desire to have them over for dinner soon to get to know C better.

On Saturday, I had a great meeting and then walked around Apex Lake three times! Later, we headed to E and R’s with A and C to welcome our niece, SC, who had just arrived from California. E picked her up from the airport, and we had a wonderful dinner together. C made wings and biscuits, and we enjoyed salad and dessert. AJ (R's mom) was there as well, making it a sweet time of fellowship.

Sunday was amazing in so many ways. We had used most of the gas we purchased with our $36 in rolled coins, and we wanted to attend the Acts Bible study in Raleigh. However, we also needed enough gas to make it to E’s for A’s birthday party. I had almost resigned myself to skipping the study, but Tom felt strongly that we should go. He searched every possible spot for more change and managed to scrape together another $10! We laughed as we headed to the gas station with our baggie of coins, marveling at the adventure of it all.

With gas prices at $3.75 per gallon, we didn’t get much, but it was just enough. The Bible study was, as always, incredibly enriching. As it wrapped up, EA (BA's daughter) shared a word she had received for us. We recorded it, and here it is verbatim:

“A couple of weeks ago, the last time you guys were here, I saw a picture of you. You were walking—one of you in front and the other behind. It was very windy, and you were pushing against the wind. And, I don’t know what it means, but this week I heard that God is pleased with your steadfastness. That you’re pushing against the wind, but He’s pleased with it. That you’re almost stoic—just keep stepping forward. Slowly but surely, you just keep walking. Just walk the walk.”

Wow. When we heard that “God was pleased with our steadfastness,” it was such a sweet and much-needed confirmation! What a relief to know we are on the right path and to keep pressing forward. Thank you, Jesus!

Then, as I sat down to eat, CA unexpectedly placed a check in my lap and said it was for later. We hadn’t mentioned our financial struggles to anyone, yet the Lord had laid it on her heart to bless us with $50! When Tom told her how we had scraped together change to get there, she laughed and said it must be for a tank of gas. On Monday, I put $49.01 worth into the tank—leaving us with exactly $1 to spare. God provides!

During the meal, the topic of a couples' retreat came up again. Cathy looked at me and said, “I can totally see you doing that out of your home!” This led me to share my “happy pill” moment from last Monday. She also mentioned a couple who run a ministry called “Job’s Retreat,” where they provide a place of rest and renewal for those who are ill or burned out from ministry. She will be giving us their contact information so we can learn from them. Another confirmation—thank You, Jesus!

Later, we headed to E’s for A’s 4th birthday party. The weather was perfect, and the kids had a blast playing on the slip-and-slide and in the small pool.

Unfortunately, I had a tough moment during the party. One of E's friends casually asked Adam, “I hear you have some news too?” and he responded, “Yes, I’m getting married in three weeks!” I was completely stunned. I asked, “Did I miss a conversation somewhere?” and he simply said, “Yes, you must have.” (Not true!) He and C had spent all Saturday evening with us and didn’t mention a word. It hurt deeply to find out this way, especially when I had been in denial about the possibility of them getting married on their planned “vacation” in June. Now, I can’t ignore it any longer.

Despite all the blessings of the weekend, today has been hard. I don’t have a specific reason, but I’m fighting depression again. Physically, I’m feeling pain in my right index finger, knees, neck, and head. Emotionally, I want to isolate and sleep—even after nearly 10 hours of rest last night. I know this is the enemy trying to rob me of my joy, so I’m engaged in a battle of the mind. My feelings do not define the truth!

“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
— Philippians 4:4-7

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms…”
— Ephesians 6:10-12

Thank You, Jesus, for Your Word and Your Truth!

On a lighter note, Tom made a fascinating discovery in our front yard! We have a tree that we initially thought was one type, but we now realize it’s actually two different trees that have merged together. When we first moved in, we found it interesting, but now we’ve noticed that it’s producing fruit! We think one tree is a plum tree and the other is a peach tree, but it’s still too early to tell. Since they’re both young, the fruit may not be mature enough to eat this year, but what a cool and symbolic discovery—just like our own growth and journey in this house.

Spirit of Prophecy for Today

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns — May 20, 2008

"Quiet your soul, watch intently, and listen carefully, for I will confirm what I have spoken to you with signs and wonders. But, you will have to be alert or you could miss the confirmation. I always confirm My word to you as I lead you forth to fulfill My purposes. Be sensitive and yielded to the unction of My Spirit, and do nothing until you are spiritually moved and have the peace that surpasses your own understanding, says the Lord.

'And they went out and preached everywhere, the Lord working with them and confirming the word through the accompanying signs.'”
— Mark 16:20

Amen!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Trusting God in the Storm

I woke up this morning consumed with thoughts about how we will pay the bills and how we will afford our trip to California to visit Tom’s family. I questioned whether I should have taken one of the job offers, wondering if I had made the wrong choice.

Right now, the rent is paid, but none of the other bills have been, and in my limited thinking—without considering God’s provision—it looks like everything will be shut off before long. As I brushed my teeth, I recalled something one of the girls from the Upper Room meeting said last night: If we can’t pay our bills, we need to do what we can to earn the money to pay them.

Again, doubt crept in. Are we crazy to be “waiting” on God like this instead of “doing” something to help ourselves? But then, God spoke through today’s Spirit of Prophecy:

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns — May 21, 2008
"Re-establish your priorities, and keep a tight rein on your thoughts and activities. For the enemy will try to draw you away from your kingdom focus through distractions. Be sensitive to a check in your spirit in any given situation, and allow My Holy Spirit to direct your steps and be your restraining power. If you will do this, you will enjoy the fullness of the season without confusion or hindrance. And remember that I will not ask you to be responsible for more than you can effectively handle, says the Lord.

'For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure.'" — Philippians 2:13

Thank You, Lord, for Your quick response to the enemy’s distractions! This is so hard. Thank You for reminding me that You are the One who works in me to will and to act according to Your good pleasure. Right now, I feel so weak, but I know You are my strength in weakness.

Even in the midst of my doubt, God is at work. This week, I received two referrals from DN for my group, which means I will be busy helping them get set up and on track for healing.

Lord, I trust You. Strengthen me and help me keep my eyes on You during this storm. In Jesus’ name, amen.

A Timely Confirmation

Oh, and look at today’s Utmost for His Highest devotional!

May 21 — Having God's "Unreasonable" Faith

"But let your first care be for His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these other things will be given to you in addition." — Matthew 6:33

When we look at these words of Jesus, we immediately recognize them as the most revolutionary ever spoken. "Seek first the kingdom of God." But even the most spiritually-minded among us often argue the exact opposite: "But I must live; I must make money; I must be clothed and fed." Our greatest concern is not the kingdom of God, but how we will take care of ourselves.

Jesus reversed the order. He told us to get our relationship with God right first, to make that our primary concern, and to trust that everything else will fall into place.

"Do not worry about your life..." — Matthew 6:25

From Jesus' perspective, it is completely unreasonable for us to be anxious about how we will live. He didn’t say the person who takes no thought for life is blessed—no, that person is a fool. Instead, He taught that His disciples must focus on their relationship with God above all else and be cautiously carefree about everything else.

In essence, Jesus was saying: Don’t let food, drink, or money be the controlling factors in your life. Instead, be absolutely focused on God. Some people are careless with their earthly matters, and God holds them accountable. But Jesus is calling us to a higher way—one that places our relationship with God first and everything else second.

This is one of the hardest disciplines in the Christian life, but it is absolutely critical. Lord, help me align my heart with Your truth!

You are so cool, God! :)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

The Lord’s Prayer and Daily Provision

"This, then, is how you should pray: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’” — Matthew 6:9-13

This prayer has been on Tom’s and my heart a lot lately. One day, Tom pointed out that since the God of the universe came down to earth and said, “This is how you should pray,” maybe we should pay more attention to it! We are seeing firsthand how He provides for us each day. Today, we have all that we need. I cannot worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own. :) Thank You, Lord, for Your provision today, and I trust You for our provision tomorrow.

CA still hasn’t sent us the information about Job’s Retreat, so I decided to look them up on Google—and there they were! And guess where they are located? In the same town as us! Wow. I wanted to call them as soon as I saw that, but Tom felt we needed to wait. So now, I’m looking forward to when we can connect with them and learn more about what they do and how they do it.

Tom met with A last night to express our concern about his rush to get married and our disappointment in how he has communicated his plans. He felt like the conversation went well, and I pray A felt the same. We’ll see when they come back from vacation if anything really sank in… It’s hard to tell anymore. When A is alone with us, he seems to agree, but when he’s with C, she is always right, and we are always wrong.

I keep forgetting to write about a dream I had the other night:

In the dream, we were with A and C, and they took us to an underground labyrinth of tunnels and rooms where a community of people were living and serving. It was makeshift—pieced together with random boards and bricks—but it was functional.

C showed me around and pointed out the shared women's bathroom, while A took Tom to help a group of men assist someone “above” who needed help. In the center hallway, there was a large-screen TV displaying news from the world above, helping the people underground know who needed assistance.

This underground refuge seemed to be a safe haven for people who were struggling in the outside world. I found myself taking care of some children when, to my surprise, I saw my childhood best friend! I hadn’t thought about her in years! She was in a group of women, and when I did a double take and called her name, she turned—and sure enough, it was her!

The whole dream had an end-times feel to it, like a glimpse of what we might be doing to continue functioning and serving in the body of Christ. But seeing my childhood friend in the dream makes me wonder… could there be something more to it?