Friday, March 21, 2008

Symbols and Searching

This morning, I decided to do a little research into some of the symbols from my dreams. One that stood out was bathrooms, since they’ve appeared in multiple dreams lately.

According to different sources, bathrooms in dreams symbolize:

• A need for cleansing, purging, or elimination—letting go of things that no longer serve a purpose.
• A period of self-renewal—getting rid of emotional burdens or anything weighing me down.
• A call for emotional and psychological cleansing—a need to release old issues, thoughts, or feelings that hinder joy and freedom.

This was interesting, especially in light of everything I’ve been learning about the Church.

I’ve been seeing more and more how so much of what is done in churches today is not actually biblical. And I can’t ignore that my bathroom dreams have all taken place in corporate bathrooms.

Could this be a sign that God is leading me to remove myself from the “corporate” or “organized” model of church?

The symbolism was compelling… but nothing jumped out as an immediate revelation. So, for now, I’ll keep praying about it.

Tonight, Tom and I celebrated Good Friday with a time of praise and worship. Then, he read from the book of Hebrews—a fitting reflection on Christ’s sacrifice.

Tomorrow, I begin my fast—from both food and words.

That should be… interesting. 😊

Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Spiritual Birthday & A New Commitment

Happy Birthday to me! 🎉 Twenty-eight years ago today, I gave my life to Christ… Thank You, Jesus!

Today feels like more than just an anniversary—it feels like a call to go deeper.

CB has been talking about a study she and her husband are going through called “Kingdom Guide” from the Open Heaven website. Curious, I decided to look it up.

The introduction alone tugged at my heart.

It speaks of seeking the mysteries of God—truths that can only be revealed by the Spirit. But there’s a cost: total surrender. The Spirit won’t reveal deeper mysteries unless we release everything—our desires, our control, our very lives—into God’s hands.

One passage stood out:

"Only as God’s ultimate wisdom permeates our hearts can we know real peace and fulfillment. And only as we give our all to God—everything we have, everything we are, and everything we care about—will we be in position to be given ears to hear the deep hidden mysteries of the Kingdom of God."

I could feel the weight of that truth.

The Prayer Agreement

At the end of the introduction was a “Prayer Agreement”—a personal covenant with God, meant to be signed and dated as a spiritual stake in time.

The prayer called for a deep, unwavering commitment:

• To repent and turn from anything in my heart that stands in the way.
• To release everything—family, ambitions, possessions, dreams—fully into His hands.
• To bind all darkness, deception, and tradition that might blind me.
• To loose the Spirit of revelation in my life.
• To receive the mind of Christ and hear the hidden mysteries of God.

So I signed and dated it—March 22nd, the same day I gave my life to Jesus 28 years ago.

It felt like confirmation of what BA had told me—I needed to pray for the revelatory gifts and seek clarity from the Holy Spirit.

I know this is only the beginning. I need clarity. I need God’s direction. But most of all, I need less of me and more of Him.

So today, my prayer is simple:

Father, help me truly let go. Let me surrender everything to You.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Day 6 of Fasting – Seeking, Striving, and Unexpected Answers

I am now on day six of my fast, and honestly, nothing I expected to happen has happened.

I’ve been seeking God, asking for direction—especially regarding our living situation. But every day, I feel like I’m falling short.

I’ve stripped away distractions and spent my time:
Listening to the Word on CD
Reading Scripture online
Watching the Matthew movie
Studying
Praying & interceding
Worshiping and meditating on His Word

Yet, I keep feeling like I should be doing more.

• When I try to be still, I feel like I should be reading more.
• When I read more, I feel like I should be listening more.
• When I listen more, I wonder if I should be just waiting in silence.

It’s a frustrating cycle, and the deeper issue is this: I don’t feel like I’m truly connecting with Him the way I hoped I would.

But even though I’m not getting the answers I thought I would, I think I’m getting answers to questions I didn’t even realize I was asking.

Tom and I have been going through Jimmy Evans’ book, “Freedom from Your Past”, and I thought I had already dealt with all the major emotional wounds I needed to. But as we read, I feel like there’s still more—more to heal, more to uncover.

I’ve had three powerful dreams now, each one increasing in intensity and significance. I know God is speaking—I just don’t fully understand what He’s saying yet.

Lord, please continue to guide and direct my steps as I seek You. Reveal what You want me to see and help me to rest in Your timing. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Finding My Way Back—Post-Fast Reflections

I have a bit to catch up on…

The fast is over now, and I’m working on getting back to normal. The last couple days of the fast were physically rough—really rough. My lower back ached so badly that no position felt comfortable, and my Restless Leg Syndrome flared up. Without potassium, my legs twitched endlessly, and my feet were ice-cold no matter what I did.

Friday night, I didn’t fall asleep until 2:30 a.m.—Saturday was even worse. 4 a.m. and I was still awake, exhausted but restless. Several times, I considered moving downstairs or into the spare room, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that doing so would leave me vulnerable. To what, I don’t know—but I didn’t want to find out.

By Sunday, I finally juiced and got some nutrients back in my system. That night, I slept like a baby. Hallelujah!

I had hoped the Lord would give us clear direction on whether to put in our 30-day notice—but He didn’t. So, we didn’t.

Now, I’m asking Him for faith and trust because once the money in our bank account is gone… well, that’s it. No safety net. No backup plan.

But God is my provider. He has promised to take care of us. His words are true and faithful.

• God is who He says He is.
• He will do what He says He will do.
• I am who He says I am.
• I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
• The Word is alive and active in me.

I choose to stand on that.

Last Sunday, we went to Hope for P’s baptism. It was powerful—probably the most powerful baptism I’ve witnessed. And yet… I didn’t cry.

I can’t remember a baptism where I didn’t cry. It’s always been an overwhelming, holy moment. But this time, I felt disconnected—like I was watching something amazing but couldn’t fully feel it.

Why? I don’t know. Even today, the feeling lingers.

But at least the trip to Hope brought something good. I reconnected with so many people I hadn’t seen in a while, and that was refreshing.

After the service, we had lunch at A & C’s and spent more time in fellowship. Then, on Saturday night, we gathered for House Church, where we decided to go through the Kingdom Guides together as a group. Everyone seemed excited about it! April 12th—we begin.

Sunday, we saw SS at church and shared our concerns about giving our 30-day notice. I had been praying that God would confirm that timeframe for us.

But SS? He was so laid back about it. He didn’t give us a direct answer, but he made it clear that he would work with us on whatever God was leading us to do. That freed me in a way I didn’t expect. Thank you, Lord.

Right now, my focus is on praying for Tom. I want God to speak clearly to him as the leader of our home, to direct our next steps.

Deep down, I keep feeling like we’re supposed to sell or give away everything—to be free, mobile, unburdened. But that’s a huge step, and I need Tom to hear it too, if that’s truly what God wants.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just something I think we should do.

I need God to confirm it to Tom directly. Whatever God tells him, I’ll support and follow.

Lord, You are faithful. You are our provider, our guide, our source of wisdom. Help us seek first Your Kingdom, to hear Your voice clearly, and to trust You with our next steps. I lay down my crowns at Your feet—make me the servant You need me to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Monday, April 07, 2008

Drifting Between Waiting and Action

Two of the books I’ve been going through—Lies Women Believe and Freedom from Your Past—both address depression. It’s interesting timing.

In Lies Women Believe, Nancy lays out scriptures to combat the lies of the enemy, reminding me of the truth of who I am in Christ. I found comfort in reading them. But at the same time, doubt is creeping in.

Am I making too much of these dreams? Am I imagining things that aren’t really there? What if I’m leading myself astray—either by believing too much or by ignoring something I shouldn’t?

I don’t want to chase shadows. I don’t want to miss what God is doing either.

This waiting period is stretching me in ways I never expected. I am such a “doer”—I feel better when I’m accomplishing something. But lately? I’ve been shut down both emotionally and physically. I’m not accomplishing anything, and it’s messing with me.

On Saturday, I spent a few hours cooking, and I felt so much better—almost like myself again. But now, my calendar is empty. I could start making calls, filling in the gaps, but I don’t feel led to do that either.

What am I supposed to be doing? I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Lord, help me. Give me the strength to keep my eyes on YOU and not let my emotions dictate my faith.

Yesterday’s Acts Bible study was a highlight. D led, and as always, his teaching opened my mind to more truth I hadn’t seen before.

I know God is preparing us for something—but what?

CB sent me today’s Spirit of Prophecy Bulletin, and while I didn’t feel a huge spark in my spirit, I did take note.

Bill Burns’ word: “No longer accept the role of the victim, but rise up in victory, says the Lord.”

Marsha Burns’ word: “Do not misread or misinterpret the signs of the season… Be willing and flexible… This transformation is not just about you, but the whole.”

CB told me that the Lord laid me on her heart last night and again this morning. She asked if it stirred anything in my spirit.

I wish I could say yes. But honestly? I feel so shut down that I don’t feel anything right now.

More and more, I feel the Lord directing me to pray for Tom.

We are at such a crucial point. We need clear direction. And I need Tom to hear from the Lord just as much—if not more—than I do. This can’t be something I just think is right.

Lord, please speak clearly to Tom. Let him feel sure of what our next step should be. Help me to submit to Your leading and not act out of impatience. Let us move in Your perfect timing. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Signs, Tests, or Divine Direction?

Today has been very interesting.

This morning, I got a call from JD—a former boss I haven’t spoken to in years. He left a message, saying he wanted to let me know about a job opportunity at his company that he thought I’d be interested in.

I was so glad I didn’t pick up the phone right away. I needed a moment to pray before calling him back. I left a message in return, but I haven’t heard from him yet.

At first, my gut instinct was “This is a test! FLEE from the enemy and this temptation!”

But then…

JR (an old friend from Hope) called me this afternoon. Guess why?

She has a couple of friends who own a bakery in Fuquay and desperately need reliable employees. She heard from her mom, who had heard from Marteen that we weren’t working, so when her friends expressed the need, she thought of us.

Two job opportunities from two people we haven’t heard from in years—on the same day?? Now I’m really wondering…

Is this God’s provision? Or is it still a ploy from the enemy to derail us from the path God has set us on?

We’re at the end of our own resources. We’ve been praying for the Lord’s direction.

Is this His direction? Or is this the classic "boat and helicopter" in the flood story—the rescue we prayed for but are hesitant to take? I don’t want to get to the end of the month, with nothing left, and wish I had taken one of these jobs.

At the same time, God said HE would take care of us. He asked us to trust Him. It would be so easy for me to fall back into my old patterns—relying on my own abilities instead of waiting for Him.

I talked with KM and CB about it.

KM encouraged us to look into these opportunities closely and trust that God would make it really clear when we did.

CB felt I needed to follow Tom’s lead—if he didn’t feel led to take a job, I shouldn’t either. We needed to stay united in whatever we did.

After that conversation, Tom was feeling really low. He felt attacked—like he had completely messed up and led us down the wrong path. I told him we needed to go to the Word and see what God says about it.

Tom opened to Colossians 2:6-8:

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ."

Every passage we read encouraged us to have faith, to trust, to follow Jesus fully, and not to conform to the world’s way of doing things.

So now what?

We’re going to P and L’s home group tonight.

On Saturday, I had this sudden urge… desire… compulsion—I don’t even know what to call it—but I felt strongly that we needed to go to their group this week.

I mentioned it to KM on Monday, and she told me that P and L had just met with her that morning to share something amazing—

They’ve moved their group out from under Hope Chapel’s umbrella so they can be free to “go with the Spirit”!

How cool is that?

I’m excited to see what God does tonight.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

A Job Too Good to Be True?

Just before we left for P and L’s, JD called me back.

I finally got the details about the job he was offering—and wow.

If there was ever a job that seemed tailor-made for me, this would be it.

• Office Manager position (with a mix of other duties, like a start-up)
• Small office—just 10 people
• $50K salary
• 17 vacation days + 9 paid holidays
• Paid medical & dental
• 401k with matching
• 20% annual bonus

How sweet is that?? But then came the clincher… The office is in North Raleigh—at least an hour’s drive each way.

That means:

• I’d be gone all day, every day
• We only have one car, so Tom would either have to drive me every day or be stranded without it
• It would completely remove us from what God is doing with us in ministry

That felt like a neon sign flashing “NOT the right path!”

I told JD I’d pray about it, send him my resume, and check out the company website—so I haven’t fully shut the door.

But at this point, if this job is where God wants me, He’s going to have to make it very clear. Like, miraculously provide another car clear. Or show me how this job fits into His plan for ministry.

Until then, I’m staying put and waiting on Him.