Saturday, March 22, 2008

A Spiritual Birthday & A New Commitment

Happy Birthday to me! 🎉 Twenty-eight years ago today, I gave my life to Christ… Thank You, Jesus!

Today feels like more than just an anniversary—it feels like a call to go deeper.

CB has been talking about a study she and her husband are going through called “Kingdom Guide” from the Open Heaven website. Curious, I decided to look it up.

The introduction alone tugged at my heart.

It speaks of seeking the mysteries of God—truths that can only be revealed by the Spirit. But there’s a cost: total surrender. The Spirit won’t reveal deeper mysteries unless we release everything—our desires, our control, our very lives—into God’s hands.

One passage stood out:

"Only as God’s ultimate wisdom permeates our hearts can we know real peace and fulfillment. And only as we give our all to God—everything we have, everything we are, and everything we care about—will we be in position to be given ears to hear the deep hidden mysteries of the Kingdom of God."

I could feel the weight of that truth.

The Prayer Agreement

At the end of the introduction was a “Prayer Agreement”—a personal covenant with God, meant to be signed and dated as a spiritual stake in time.

The prayer called for a deep, unwavering commitment:

• To repent and turn from anything in my heart that stands in the way.
• To release everything—family, ambitions, possessions, dreams—fully into His hands.
• To bind all darkness, deception, and tradition that might blind me.
• To loose the Spirit of revelation in my life.
• To receive the mind of Christ and hear the hidden mysteries of God.

So I signed and dated it—March 22nd, the same day I gave my life to Jesus 28 years ago.

It felt like confirmation of what BA had told me—I needed to pray for the revelatory gifts and seek clarity from the Holy Spirit.

I know this is only the beginning. I need clarity. I need God’s direction. But most of all, I need less of me and more of Him.

So today, my prayer is simple:

Father, help me truly let go. Let me surrender everything to You.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Finding My Way Back—Post-Fast Reflections

I have a bit to catch up on…

The fast is over now, and I’m working on getting back to normal. The last couple days of the fast were physically rough—really rough. My lower back ached so badly that no position felt comfortable, and my Restless Leg Syndrome flared up. Without potassium, my legs twitched endlessly, and my feet were ice-cold no matter what I did.

Friday night, I didn’t fall asleep until 2:30 a.m.—Saturday was even worse. 4 a.m. and I was still awake, exhausted but restless. Several times, I considered moving downstairs or into the spare room, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that doing so would leave me vulnerable. To what, I don’t know—but I didn’t want to find out.

By Sunday, I finally juiced and got some nutrients back in my system. That night, I slept like a baby. Hallelujah!

I had hoped the Lord would give us clear direction on whether to put in our 30-day notice—but He didn’t. So, we didn’t.

Now, I’m asking Him for faith and trust because once the money in our bank account is gone… well, that’s it. No safety net. No backup plan.

But God is my provider. He has promised to take care of us. His words are true and faithful.

• God is who He says He is.
• He will do what He says He will do.
• I am who He says I am.
• I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
• The Word is alive and active in me.

I choose to stand on that.

Last Sunday, we went to Hope for P’s baptism. It was powerful—probably the most powerful baptism I’ve witnessed. And yet… I didn’t cry.

I can’t remember a baptism where I didn’t cry. It’s always been an overwhelming, holy moment. But this time, I felt disconnected—like I was watching something amazing but couldn’t fully feel it.

Why? I don’t know. Even today, the feeling lingers.

But at least the trip to Hope brought something good. I reconnected with so many people I hadn’t seen in a while, and that was refreshing.

After the service, we had lunch at A & C’s and spent more time in fellowship. Then, on Saturday night, we gathered for House Church, where we decided to go through the Kingdom Guides together as a group. Everyone seemed excited about it! April 12th—we begin.

Sunday, we saw SS at church and shared our concerns about giving our 30-day notice. I had been praying that God would confirm that timeframe for us.

But SS? He was so laid back about it. He didn’t give us a direct answer, but he made it clear that he would work with us on whatever God was leading us to do. That freed me in a way I didn’t expect. Thank you, Lord.

Right now, my focus is on praying for Tom. I want God to speak clearly to him as the leader of our home, to direct our next steps.

Deep down, I keep feeling like we’re supposed to sell or give away everything—to be free, mobile, unburdened. But that’s a huge step, and I need Tom to hear it too, if that’s truly what God wants.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Maybe it’s just something I think we should do.

I need God to confirm it to Tom directly. Whatever God tells him, I’ll support and follow.

Lord, You are faithful. You are our provider, our guide, our source of wisdom. Help us seek first Your Kingdom, to hear Your voice clearly, and to trust You with our next steps. I lay down my crowns at Your feet—make me the servant You need me to be. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Standing Firm in Faith

Ok, let’s review again. 

• God asked me to quit my job so that I could work for Him full time. 
• He is showing me that I need to slow down and “rest” in Him. 
• He doesn’t need me to “do” anything for Him, just desire to be with Him. 
• He is healing my compulsive desire for acceptance and approval by “performing” and “doing” and showing me that all He needs me to do is to “HAVE FAITH” and be obedient to Him and His leading in my life.
• We are growing leaps and bounds in our spiritual walk and understanding of God and His Word. 
• We are being used all the time because we can go where and when He says “Go” and talk to who ever He puts in front of us. 
• And then we have J’s prayer about how “proud” God is of us and how overwhelming His love is for us (of course, we could be on the wrong path and God would still love us with overwhelming love…). 
• I feel like going back to work would be like “going back to Egypt” and the “bondage” that goes with it… why would I want to consider these job offers??

I am doing this because I started to waver a little bit. I asked Tom how much we had left in the bank and he said, after he pays the bills for this month, we will only have $84 dollars to last us the rest of the month… And with his sister and brother in law coming to stay for a few days, it will be really hard to feed and take care of them with only that much!! 

Gas prices are really eating up our cash quickly taking 45 dollars each time we fill up! BUT I can’t look at these circumstances because GOD IS BIGGER and if He can bring water from a rock and Manna from Heaven, He can take care of us!

We went to D and L’s worship time last night (our marriage group canceled). We had a great time of worship and celebration. The last time I saw L I told her we needed to tell her about a dream I had so she reminded me and I told her about the houses and the fire dream and the word in 1 Corinthians 3 and she was so touched!! Later in the evening she asked me to share the dream with the rest of the group because she felt it was for all of them. That was pretty cool.

Also, early in the evening when I was praying for the Holy Spirit to come and fill the place, I envisioned what it would be like, or what I would like it to be like, when the presence of the Lord filled the room. And in my mind, I saw the heaviness of His presence fall so hard that I fell to the floor in front of the couch and as I went to my knees I started to lay down flat but then it turned from that to going through an invisible “birth canal” with my arms back and I am twisting through the birth canal and, as I am being birthed, I hear myself crying/hollering like a baby does when they are born… it seemed to be the combination of the emotions of pain and freedom… It was the strangest vision but it was also very cool! 

That stuck with me for the rest of the night and I am praying for the Lord to reveal to me what that was about. Obviously, I am thinking that God is “birthing” something in me but I know that there is so much more!!

We were praying for L because she is feeling called to Canada and will be leaving next Friday and as we were lifting her up in prayer D felt like there might be a “team” going with her and that it might be some people in that room. I felt like I wanted to go but couldn’t say that I felt God “telling” me to go. The thing that stopped me in my tracks was knowing I didn’t have a passport! So, I will be looking into that ASAP now. I don’t want that to get in the way of “going” when God says “Go”. Just being there reminded me of the “international” dreams I had and the desire to “dance” for the Lord. I don’t know if those things are from the Lord or just my own thing but I want to be as open and flexible for Him as I can!

We went to A and C’s for the “Kingdom” study and we had a great time! I mentioned to C about the “birthing” vision I had at D and L’s and she said that in lesson #9 of the Kingdom guide it talks about the 7 stages of the Kingdom and it talks about the “birthing” process! How cool is that!?