Thursday, March 06, 2008

Schooled by the Lord

Lately, I have been getting schooled by the Lord—lesson after lesson, conviction after conviction.

The situation with A and C spiraled into something so ridiculous that I ended up regretting sending my original email. I never even responded to their last message because it had become so nitpicky that it was leading nowhere fast. Then, Tom and I read the next chapter in the Emotional Healing book on judgments, and wow, did it hit me hard. I felt deeply convicted about the judgments I have made—not just against A and C, but also against my mom and Tom. The weight of that realization was so strong that I felt I needed to apologize to A and C for ever bringing those things up in the first place.

Sunday’s Acts Bible study was amazing. D taught on the covenant made between the Godhead before creation, showing that the ultimate purpose of all creation is God’s glory. So often, Christianity focuses on man—creation, the fall, salvation—but all of that is still centered around us. When the reality is, everything exists for God’s glory!

This truth has been transforming Tom and me. Tom put it beautifully the other day:

"God is getting so much bigger in our minds, and we are diminishing in our own thoughts. And that makes the fact that He still loves and cares for us even more amazing!"

On Tuesday, I met with BK, and we had such a great time of fellowship and sharing. She finally got her dreams book back and was able to re-evaluate the meaning of my "rope" dream. Initially, she had misunderstood part of it, but after looking up "left hand," she found that it actually represents spiritual strength, not human strength. Then, we looked up "rope," and it can mean covenant or vow. There were a few other insights, but I don’t remember all of them. Even though I don’t fully understand the dream yet, I trust that God will reveal its meaning in His perfect timing.

I had fallen behind in my studies, so I spent the morning catching up on three days’ worth—and wow, did the Lord continue my schooling in a big way!

Tom and I have been struggling in our relationship lately. Things were getting worse, not better. His behaviors were irritating me more and more, pushing me into isolation. I found myself slipping back into old judgmental and critical habits—trying to fix him, trying to control him. But today, in my studies, the Lord convicted me deeply.

I have been WAY out of line in what a Godly wife should be doing. I spent the morning in repentance, and when Tom came home, I asked for his forgiveness.

The most amazing thing? How subtly and quickly we can slip back into old habits!

Tom, being the Godly man that he is, graciously forgave me and also asked for my forgiveness. He admitted that he hasn’t been leading me well spiritually and that, as the head of our home, he is responsible for our spiritual condition. If things are "off" in the house, it’s because he is off.

Thank you, Lord, for a husband who takes responsibility before You! I know that I am still responsible for my own behavior, but it meant so much to me that he recognized his part as well.

Neither of us feels like we’re "walking on water" right now. It’s more like we’re flailing in the water! But praise God for His patience as He keeps drawing us back to Him.

The Lord has been teaching me to put Him first in my day, then Tom, and then everything else.

I’ve been so busy doing that I’ve neglected my being with Him. When I talked with BK, I realized just how fast I had been going when I first started in full-time ministry. If I had stopped suddenly, I don’t think I would have handled it well. Tom described it as coming to a dead stop after going warp speed—it would have been too much all at once.

But now, after a few months, I finally see what the Lord is asking of me:

He wants my first fruits—the first part of my day, my undivided attention.

I need to wake up earlier and truly give Him my morning. I need to stop rushing into my tasks and start my day with Him first.

Tom also shared with me that he has felt last on my list again, and that has caused resentment in his heart. I never want him to feel like he is on the back burner. If I am to love him well, I need to give him my second fruits.

Lord, help me to walk this out! Keep refining me, keep schooling me, and help me to keep You at the center of everything.

Here is an excerpt of something CB sent me today that just confirms all of this:

UNVEILING THE BRIDE

The Blood Of Jesus Cleanses Our Conscience From Dead Works...

how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from dead works so that we may serve the living God! Hebrews 9:14

Every Christian knows that the blood of Jesus cleanses from sin, but many live under a conscience that serves dead works. Our conscience says "I must do something" to live as a Christian: -to approach God, to receive from God, to hear from God, to experience gifts of God, to live free, etc. Our conscience puts our works between us and God.

But notice this passage says something unusual. The blood of Jesus cleanses our conscience from dead works. It is not just sin that is cleansed. This need to have something WE DO (dead works) between us and God (a veil) is cleansed. Only then are we really free to see the Lord and serve the living God!

But whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. ".... As all of us reflect the glory of the Lord with unveiled faces, we are being transformed into the same image with ever-increasing glory by the Lord's Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:16, 18)

THE BRIDE OF CHRIST MUST REMOVE THE VEIL OF RELIGIOUS OBLIGATION

BEFORE SHE CAN BEHOLD THE BRIDEGROOM

THE VEIL OF RELIGIOUS OBLIGATION
A veil of religious obligation lies over the heart and conscience of most believers today. It does not belong there. This life of effort (making our own way to access grace) needs to be replaced by the life of rest. We need a revival that reveals the true state of our hearts and restores our first love.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

From Warp Speed to Impulse Drive

I seem to be struggling—again. But this time, it’s different.

I had determined to get up early, spend time with the Lord first, and let everything else fall into place. But boy, has it been a battle! Instead of rising early, I have felt this strange rebellion inside me, resisting my own decision. Almost every morning since making that commitment, I have chosen to sleep in. No morning workouts. No “first fruits” with the Lord. No discipline in eating well or staying spiritually strong. Wow. I am not doing well at all.

Lately, I feel like God is telling me to stop scheduling my time with people—to hold off, to wait on Him, to let Him bring the people to me instead of me seeking them out. But I wonder if my struggle is a mix of things.

For one, there’s been a lot of sickness going around—flu, stomach viruses, you name it—but Tom and I have been spared (thank you, Jesus!). Yet, I wake up some mornings feeling like if I got up too early, I wouldn’t feel well. Maybe my body truly needs the rest.

But then there’s the other part—my "doer" mentality. I feel better when I am productive. When I slow down and stop scheduling things, it leaves me with more time, but instead of using it well, I feel… lost. Inefficient. Useless. It’s almost like I don’t know how to function without a packed schedule. I wonder if I am still transitioning—mentally and emotionally—from the warp speed I was used to.

And then there’s the enemy, whispering lies, trying to get me down.

Even in the midst of all this, my heart for the ministry God gave me remains. The passion and compassion are still there. But I feel so inadequate to accomplish what needs to be done.

Maybe that’s the point.

I sense that God is calling me to more face time with Him—not just time spent with Him, but time truly seeking Him. And even more than that, I feel He is telling me to pray more instead of "do" more.

This is so foreign to me. I have always thought I could handle everything in my own strength—as if my worth were tied to how active, productive, and "good" I am. My prideful heart says, "Look how much I accomplish! Look how great I am!" (Ha!).

But here’s another lesson from the Lord:

I can’t do anything without Him.

I’ve come out of warp speed into impulse drive, and now I’m just trying to learn how to function at this pace.

I also sense the Lord calling me to fast, but I haven’t yet received the green light to start. I’m preparing—mentally, spiritually, and physically—so that when He says go, I’ll be ready.

Yesterday at SN’s house, we watched a segment of the Hillsong Women’s Conference on God TV, where Lisa Bevere was speaking. She shared how she once prayed for a mentor, bargaining with God:

"I will speak for You if You give me a mentor."

God did call her to speak. But when she pointed out that He hadn’t sent her a mentor, He answered:

"I want you to pour into women everything you wish had been poured into you."

Wow. That hit me.

I have prayed for a mentor for years, yet it never seemed to happen. Could it be that God is telling me the same thing He told Lisa? That instead of waiting for someone to pour into me, I need to pour into the women He brings to me?

The timing of this realization was incredible. In all my years of ministry, no one had ever referred to me as their mentor. But in the past two weeks, two different women have told me they are grateful for my mentorship. Just last night, a woman told me, "I’m so thankful you are my mentor."

I had never thought of myself that way. But hearing those words—right after seeing that program—felt like confirmation.

That’s where I’m at today—somewhere between impulse drive and full stop, learning what it means to seek, wait, and trust.

Lord, help me to feel better and become more grounded in You. When I am weak, You are strong! Guide my mind and spirit to the path that is most fruitful, and please—keep me from resisting You.

Amen.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Redefining Productivity

As I was sharing with Tom yesterday about my struggles—feeling unproductive, restless, and uncomfortable with spending more time at home with the Lord—he simply asked:

"So… spending time with the Lord isn’t productive?"

DOH! That hit me.

When he put it that way, I suddenly felt ashamed and embarrassed that I had been struggling with it so much! Had I really been seeing my time with God Himself as wasted? As less valuable than checking off a to-do list?

I didn’t realize how deeply ingrained my mindset was—that productivity meant doing, accomplishing, and achieving. But in that moment, my perspective shifted.

Time with the Lord is productive. In fact, it’s the most productive thing I can do.

I praise God for this season—this gift of time to seek Him, to know Him, to sit in His presence. And I pray that I will learn to embrace it instead of resisting it.

POWER-Minute

March 14, 2008

CAN HE? WILL HE?

“Is anything too hard for the LORD?” Genesis 18:14

Absence of failure is a concept that is foreign to most of us. It is beyond our comprehension to grasp the idea of determining a thing and accomplishing it without trial or error. Yet we were created by God who can do anything and everything but fail.

When asked how He could possibly supply meat to several million Israelites in the wilderness, God’s response was “Is the Lord’s arm too short?” (Numbers 11:23). Jonathan assured his armor bearer that having a massive amount of soldiers was not necessary for a victory (1 Samuel 14:6). Jeremiah (32:17) said, “Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee.”

Trusting and believing Him should be second nature. Faith should be our response to every challenge. Our faith is a place of refuge and deliverance—a holy expectation. To respond in any other manner goes against the reality that our God CANNOT fail!!!!

Can He? Will He? ALWAYS!!!!

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Choosing Whom to Serve

"All these curses will come upon you. They will pursue you and overtake you until you are destroyed, because you did not obey the LORD your God and observe the commands and decrees he gave you… Because you did not serve the LORD your God joyfully and gladly in the time of prosperity, therefore in hunger and thirst, in nakedness and dire poverty, you will serve the enemies the LORD sends against you." —Deuteronomy 28:45-48

This Scripture struck me hard this morning. A sobering reminder that we will serve someone in this life—there is no neutral ground. If it is not the Lord, it will be our enemy.

"Choose this day whom you will serve!" (Joshua 24:15)

I was also drawn to Galatians:

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows... The one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." —Galatians 6:7-10

What a perfect companion to the Deuteronomy passage! We will reap what we sow when we choose whom we serve. Do I sow in obedience, or do I sow in selfishness? Do I serve God joyfully, or only when it’s convenient?

Lord, I thank You that You first loved me and have drawn me to You. Without You, I would be lost. You have made me to love You and given me the desire to serve You. I am nothing without You.

I am Your servant, Lord—help me to serve You with my whole heart, mind, body, and spirit.

Amen.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Through the Fire

I have been having some pretty interesting dreams lately—so much so that I’ve been digging into how to interpret them. The themes seem to repeat: horses, bathrooms, and lately, fire.

The bathroom dream was actually hilarious—three of us were praying on the floor of a public restroom, asking the Lord for discernment of spirits. One of the girls suddenly felt that we needed to pray against the spirit of “greeting cards”… and I blurted out, “So, we need to pray against the spirit of Hallmark!?” I woke up and started laughing out loud.

But last night’s dream was different. More impactful.

We had a great dinner with J and D last night, sharing what the Lord is doing and how the Holy Spirit is really working in our lives. We all felt like we are “new Christians” with all that God is doing in our lives lately. 

We talked a lot about what happened with them when the Freedom Church pastor left and how it affected them and all the rumors and accusations that went flying around about them. 

It is just so sad that all of that had to happen but, because of it, they are growing and maturing in wonderful ways!! They were baptized in the spirit and their daughter and son in law, R and J, got baptized in the spirit and they are growing in leaps and bounds now wonderful things are happening in their lives. It’s just another example of what the enemy meant for harm, the Lord turned it around for good. 

After having dinner with J and D—talking about all that God has been doing—I prayed before bed, asking the Lord to wake me up if He wanted me to remember a dream. Something I learned while searching dream websites.

At 4 a.m., I woke up, dream still fresh in my mind:

D and I were talking and enjoying ourselves when I suddenly felt that something was very wrong. Then huge flakes of ash started falling from the sky. By their size, I knew there was a massive forest fire, and we were in the middle of it. We grabbed a sheet, covering ourselves from the heat and smoke. I thought about using a hose to keep it wet, but I don’t remember doing it. Then, when we felt the danger had passed, we peeked out.

What I saw amazed me—three newly built houses, untouched by the fire. They weren’t even scorched or singed. Instead, the fresh wood was damp, as if it had just been rained on. Somehow, I knew these houses belonged to J and D, R and J, and Tom and me.

As I pondered the dream, I recognized that fire is usually a symbol of testing and trials. The houses, I assumed, represented our lives and the new work God was doing. But it wasn’t until I sat down for my morning study that everything clicked.

One of the Scriptures listed was 1 Corinthians 3, and when I read the passage, I got major Holy Spirit goosebumps:

"Each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward." —1 Corinthians 3:10-15

WOW. That was exactly what I had just dreamed! Our houses survived the fire!

I felt an overwhelming confirmation that the new work God is doing in our lives is righteous, true, and built on Him. The flames of testing will come, but if we build on His foundation, we will stand.

Thank you, Lord, for refining us, for preserving us, and for finishing what You started.

Amen.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Awakened by the Call

Asking God to wake me up for important dreams seemed like a great idea at the time… until I found myself wide awake at 4 a.m.—three times in one night! By the last wake-up, my mind was racing, and there was no going back to sleep.

The first dream didn’t seem all that important:

I was at a potluck or party, something that felt like a work event, though I didn’t recognize anyone. Everyone was dressed in black, though it wasn’t a funeral. The odd part? I was in pants, while all the other women wore dresses. When I looked down at myself, my form seemed mannish, unfamiliar.

At some point, I realized I had forgotten to bring a dish, so I grabbed someone else’s bag of tortilla chips and another item, setting them on a table outside on the patio. There were two patios—one on the left, one on the right—and both were set up identically, mirroring each other.

I woke up at that moment, and the tortilla chips made me laugh—I had served tacos and chips for dinner the night before and was proud of myself for not eating any. Clearly, my subconscious still wanted some!

Then came the second wake-up. This time, it wasn’t a dream but a single, bold word in my mind:

“INTERNATIONAL.”

I fell back asleep and woke up again—this time, with a clear Scripture reference in my spirit:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us." —Hebrews 12:1

I looked up the rest of the chapter, and verses 2 and 3 stood out the most:

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." —Hebrews 12:2-3

Fix our eyes on Jesus.
Do not grow weary.
Do not lose heart.

The word “international” brought another dream to mind—one I hadn’t written down.

The Packing Dream

I was in a vacation-style hotel or motel room, the kind with a kitchen included. I had been there for a while, but now it was time to leave, so I started packing up the dishes I had brought. The problem? They were mixed in with the hotel’s dishes and those of other people, and I was struggling to figure out which ones were mine.

The dishes themselves were a mixture of different shapes, sizes, colors, and styles. It felt like I had started and stopped packing multiple times without making any real progress.

Then the next scene shifted: NL and EC were in the kitchen with me. NL was washing dishes at the sink while EC and I were on the floor packing. But even with their help, I still couldn’t figure out which dishes were mine, so I never actually packed anything.

As NL washed, he wasn’t paying attention, talking to us while facing away from the sink. I suddenly heard the sound of running water coming from behind the cabinets. When I stopped to listen, I realized it was leaking through a hole between the wall and the cupboards, coming from the pot NL was washing. For some reason, this felt significant, though I didn’t know why.

The dream ended with a sense of urgency—I needed to catch a flight, and because I was traveling so far away, the process would take a long time. I needed to get to the airport early, and I remember thinking about needing my passport.

Decoding the Message

The packing aspect caught my attention because I had recently committed to trusting God about whether or not to physically pack up and move. But in the dream, nothing actually got packed—I was stuck in uncertainty. Was this a message from God? Was I supposed to pack or not?

As I wrote everything out, I wondered if the temporary housing in the dream was actually our current home. Both Tom and I had sensed that this house wasn’t permanent, but we had no idea how long we’d be here.

And then, there was the Acts Bible study from the past Sunday—an evening that left a deep impact on me.

The Call to Fast and the Brokenhearted

The study ended with a discussion about what to do next, since the group was getting too big for the current hosts. That’s when CA felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to pray over several people.

She laid hands on a few ladies, then turned to D and declared “FAST, FAST, FAST”, clapping her hands with each word. Though she meant it as “quickly”, I heard it differently—a clear call from God for me to fast.

Then, she turned to me.

She touched my arm and said “Brokenhearted”—twice.

Then she moved on to Tom, speaking about intercession, saying he would be used by God to deliver men from bondage. But after finishing with him, she came back to me and repeated “Brokenhearted” again.

After lunch, BA sat next to me and confirmed what had just happened, saying he believed CA’s word over me was spot on. He encouraged me to pray for the revelatory gifts—Words of Knowledge, Words of Wisdom, and Discernment of Spirits—for the ministry.

This took me back to our dinner with J and D. D had casually mentioned that I had a gift and ministry for the brokenhearted. Before CA’s word, no one had ever said that to me in those exact words.

That sealed it.

Stepping into Obedience

I felt a strong conviction to fast, so I set aside March 22nd through the 29th. The first day was a Saturday, and I decided to fast from both food and words for that day alone. MC had suggested a silent fast before, and I figured it was time to see what God would do with it.

Then, as I wrote out the dates, I realized something, March 22nd would be my 28th birthday as a Christian. What a perfect day to begin this fast!

Ok, I think that is it for now… It is now only 8am so I will dive into the Word and see what God has for me today :)

Insert 2022 - Linda: At the time of the "International" word I thought for sure I was going to need a passport because the Lord was taking me somewhere! But as of today, I still don't have a passport and haven't traveled outside of the US. Funny how dreams can be either literal, symbolic or just plain RANDOM, lol!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

A Clean Slate

Yesterday was a good day—a full day spent with A. Even though I was tired from lack of sleep, the time together was well spent.

Before bed, I prayed my now-usual prayer: “God, wake me up if the dream is really important… but if not, I could use a good night’s sleep!”

This time, I slept straight through. And when I woke up, I felt truly rested.

As I lay in bed, reflecting on everything God has been doing in my heart lately, I sensed something very clear: He was wiping my life’s blackboard completely clean. It was as if He were saying, “Let’s start over. Let Me order your steps.”

Everything I thought was important—all of my own ideas, plans, and priorities—He had thrown out. And in their place, He was redefining what truly mattered.

We’ve been reading a book called Pagan Christianity, and it has been eye-opening. The more I learn, the more I realize that so much of what happens in organized church services today is not what God originally intended for His people. And now… I’m struggling.

It’s becoming harder and harder to sit through a church service without seeing the layers of man-made traditions woven into everything. It feels like my eyes have been opened, and I can’t unsee it.

This morning, I sent CB my journal from the past few days to keep her updated on what God has been doing. She responded with something interesting—she mentioned that JB had interpreted AB’s dream and said I should call her when I had time. So later, when I had a free moment, I did.

Our conversation naturally drifted back to the “international” theme that has been coming up over and over. CB shared that God had been laying heavily on her heart the issue of child prostitution in Thailand.

She felt strongly that the children weren’t the real issue—the real problem was the customers. Since fighting against that kind of darkness has been our shared passion, she wondered… Could God be calling us to go there?

Then she told me something else. God had given her specific fasting dates for this year—and they were the three days leading up to mine.

She didn’t know why at first, only that she was to do a “pre-fast” and pray for an undisclosed individual. She didn’t even know who that person was… until I sent her my email.

It’s becoming clearer that this fast is more than just a personal act of obedience—it’s a time where I believe God will reveal more of His plans. I don’t know exactly what those plans look like yet… but I’m ready to listen.

After our call, I felt a nudge from the Lord to revisit an old dream. It had been sitting in my journal for a couple of years, and at the time, JB had interpreted it. For the past few days, I had been feeling prompted to read it again, so today, I finally did. And I was amazed.

(2022 Insert—Linda: I decided to leave the dream and interpretation out, since it was too long and didn’t add much to this story.)

Even though it was an old dream, it felt so relevant to everything happening in my life now. The interpretation fit—especially the part about international missions.

It seemed like confirmation that what God has been speaking through these recent dreams is leading somewhere real. I still don’t know exactly what it all means, but I trust that in His perfect timing, He will put all the pieces together. But one thing is for sure… I can’t shake the feeling that I should be applying for my passport.