I seem to be struggling—again. But this time, it’s different.
I had determined to get up early, spend time with the Lord first, and let everything else fall into place. But boy, has it been a battle! Instead of rising early, I have felt this strange rebellion inside me, resisting my own decision. Almost every morning since making that commitment, I have chosen to sleep in. No morning workouts. No “first fruits” with the Lord. No discipline in eating well or staying spiritually strong. Wow. I am not doing well at all.
Lately, I feel like God is telling me to stop scheduling my time with people—to hold off, to wait on Him, to let Him bring the people to me instead of me seeking them out. But I wonder if my struggle is a mix of things.
For one, there’s been a lot of sickness going around—flu, stomach viruses, you name it—but Tom and I have been spared (thank you, Jesus!). Yet, I wake up some mornings feeling like if I got up too early, I wouldn’t feel well. Maybe my body truly needs the rest.
But then there’s the other part—my "doer" mentality. I feel better when I am productive. When I slow down and stop scheduling things, it leaves me with more time, but instead of using it well, I feel… lost. Inefficient. Useless. It’s almost like I don’t know how to function without a packed schedule. I wonder if I am still transitioning—mentally and emotionally—from the warp speed I was used to.
And then there’s the enemy, whispering lies, trying to get me down.
Even in the midst of all this, my heart for the ministry God gave me remains. The passion and compassion are still there. But I feel so inadequate to accomplish what needs to be done.
Maybe that’s the point.
I sense that God is calling me to more face time with Him—not just time spent with Him, but time truly seeking Him. And even more than that, I feel He is telling me to pray more instead of "do" more.
This is so foreign to me. I have always thought I could handle everything in my own strength—as if my worth were tied to how active, productive, and "good" I am. My prideful heart says, "Look how much I accomplish! Look how great I am!" (Ha!).
But here’s another lesson from the Lord:
I can’t do anything without Him.
I’ve come out of warp speed into impulse drive, and now I’m just trying to learn how to function at this pace.
I also sense the Lord calling me to fast, but I haven’t yet received the green light to start. I’m preparing—mentally, spiritually, and physically—so that when He says go, I’ll be ready.
Yesterday at SN’s house, we watched a segment of the Hillsong Women’s Conference on God TV, where Lisa Bevere was speaking. She shared how she once prayed for a mentor, bargaining with God:
"I will speak for You if You give me a mentor."
God did call her to speak. But when she pointed out that He hadn’t sent her a mentor, He answered:
"I want you to pour into women everything you wish had been poured into you."
Wow. That hit me.
I have prayed for a mentor for years, yet it never seemed to happen. Could it be that God is telling me the same thing He told Lisa? That instead of waiting for someone to pour into me, I need to pour into the women He brings to me?
The timing of this realization was incredible. In all my years of ministry, no one had ever referred to me as their mentor. But in the past two weeks, two different women have told me they are grateful for my mentorship. Just last night, a woman told me, "I’m so thankful you are my mentor."
I had never thought of myself that way. But hearing those words—right after seeing that program—felt like confirmation.
That’s where I’m at today—somewhere between impulse drive and full stop, learning what it means to seek, wait, and trust.
Lord, help me to feel better and become more grounded in You. When I am weak, You are strong! Guide my mind and spirit to the path that is most fruitful, and please—keep me from resisting You.
Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment