The Death Crawl and the Deliverance
Where do I begin…!!??
Well, I guess I’ll start by saying that Tom and I have not been doing very well at all lately (as if I haven’t mentioned that enough already). Tom recently confessed to having thoughts of suicide and a strong desire to run away—from me and from everything. He’s been constantly complaining and, in his own words, whining about everything, and it’s been driving me crazy. I hate admitting this, but I’ve regressed horribly. I’ve become the kind of wife I never wanted to be again—saying and thinking things I know I shouldn’t. I’ve asked him repeatedly to pray with me, but eventually, I just gave up.
I know we’re under attack, and since we haven’t been praying together, the wedge between us has only grown deeper. After talking with a friend, I realized my expectations of Tom might have been unrealistic. I’m the one gifted with prayer and intercession—not him. So maybe I shouldn’t expect him to carry that responsibility the same way. Maybe I need to pick it up again and stop waiting for him to be someone he’s not.
On Friday, my original plans fell through, so Tom and I went to DD’s house so I could finish painting the trim in the downstairs room. After that, I suggested we go for a walk around Apex Lake. But, as usual, we were at each other's throats, and I was so frustrated with both of us—especially myself. I was tired of the thoughts in my head and the way I’d been reacting. At one point, I even said out loud, “Satan, get out of my head right now in Jesus’ name!”
Tom stayed in the car while I walked alone, trying to walk off my frustration and confessing and repenting to the Lord for my behavior. At the start of the walk, I passed a woman who looked familiar, but she didn’t seem to recognize me, so I kept going. Later, I passed her again and felt prompted by the Lord to call out her name. It was her! We hadn’t seen each other in years, but she had been part of the DivorceCare class Tom and I helped co-lead with D and L. It turned out we were both walking out our frustrations and praying in the Spirit. Her husband had also been struggling with control and fear of rejection, just like Tom.
Right then and there, we decided to pray for one another and our husbands. I prayed for her first, then she prayed for me—and oh my gosh, what a prayer warrior! I had forgotten how powerful and anointed her prayers were. The Holy Spirit poured through her for at least 5 to 10 minutes, and as she prayed, the heaviness lifted. I felt lighter, like chains had broken off. It was truly a divine appointment, a moment where the Lord showed me that He heard me.
That same day, I sent out an email asking friends to pray about where Tom and I should go next. One friend offered us her old home—she and her family had moved out but still had it through the end of October. Then we spoke to DD, and he said we were welcome to move back into his place since the new renters had backed out. Others had come to see it too, but none had offered enough. He finally decided that if he couldn’t get what he needed, he wouldn’t rent it at all. So Tom and I kept going back and forth, trying to discern which door we were meant to walk through. Thankfully, we weren’t going to be homeless, but we decided to wait through the weekend to see if the Lord would make the path clearer.
Saturday was surprisingly peaceful. We spent the day with the Lord and with each other—and miracle of miracles, we didn’t argue! That night, we watched “Facing the Giants” again with H. I always cry during that movie, but this time, the “death crawl” scene hit me like never before. I heard the Father’s voice through the coach: “Keep going. Don’t give up. Just a little farther! Give me everything you’ve got! Don’t give up on me!”
I sobbed uncontrollably. I had been wrestling with whether we should just give up and go back to “normal life”—get jobs, find stability. But through that scene, I heard the Lord speak clearly: Just a little longer! Keep going. Give Me everything you’ve got! I was humbled all over again and reminded that He is in control. I don’t have to fear.
Then on Sunday morning, at the Act's Bible study, D’s wife—who hadn’t come in months—showed up. I was so happy to see her. Before the meeting started, she pulled me aside and said she had a dream about me the previous Sunday. She couldn’t remember the dream itself, but she remembered the Scripture: Ephesians 6:10–20. She handed me the Amplified version, which I copied below because it’s just that powerful:
"In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [be empowered through your union with Him]; draw your strength from Him [that strength which His boundless might provides]. Put on God's whole armor [the armor of a heavy-armed soldier which God supplies], that you may be able successfully to stand up against [all] the strategies and the deceits of the devil. For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents], but against the despotisms, against the powers, against [the master spirits who are] the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere. Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of danger], and, having done all [the crisis demands], to stand [firmly in your place]. Stand therefore [hold your ground], having tightened the belt of truth around your loins and having put on the breastplate of integrity and of moral rectitude and right standing with God, And having shod your feet in preparation [to face the enemy with the firm-footed stability, the promptness, and the readiness produced by the good news] of the Gospel of peace. Lift up over all the [covering] shield of saving faith, upon which you can quench all the flaming missiles of the wicked [one]. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword that the Spirit wields, which is the Word of God. Pray at all times (on every occasion, in every season) in the Spirit, with all [manner of] prayer and entreaty. To that end keep alert and watch with strong purpose and perseverance, interceding in behalf of all the saints (God's consecrated people)."
Wow. I needed that reminder—that the battle is not against Tom, but against the real enemy. She gave me that passage just in time.
Later that morning, while someone shared about hearing the Father's voice, the death crawl scene played over and over in my mind. I knew I had to share it with the group. It was still so raw, I cried again while I spoke. I told them I felt like that message wasn’t just for me—but for others in the group too.
The presence of the Lord filled the room in such a powerful way. B shared with tears in his eyes, then D shared scripture and his testimony—also through tears. He emphasized: “Do not give up in the middle of the process!” That hit me like lightning. I pictured someone jumping out of a smelting pot too early—misshapen, unfinished, deformed. I shared that image, and D told a story about a vision he had once: a sculpture under a sheet, still incomplete, but the look on the Artist’s face, God, was one of joy and confidence. He knew what the finished work would be.
During worship, I dropped to my knees. D’s wife took my hand and began to pray over me in the Spirit. Then she lifted me up and walked with me down the hallway. As we walked, the Lord said to me, “All I need you to do is walk with Me, talk with Me, and worship Me. Let Me take care of the rest. It is in MY strength that you must walk. When it’s all said and done, you’ll be amazed at what I’ve done in and through you.” I sobbed. At one point, I fell out in the Spirit.
While He spoke, I pictured that “death crawl” again—but this time, I was crawling with Tom on my back. And I realized something huge: I’d been trying to carry Tom’s burdens along with my own. No wonder I was exhausted and discouraged! The Lord revealed I need to stop doing that. I can’t change Tom—I never could. I need to trust God with my husband and stop trying to carry what isn’t mine to carry.
The whole morning was full of anointed prayers, worship, tears, and powerful Words from the Lord. No one wanted to leave His presence. B never even made it to the book of Acts! Tom recorded the meeting, and I’m looking forward to hearing what was captured, even if it’s just sobs. He said I wasn’t the only one crying—most of the ladies (and some of the men) were too.
In the middle of all this, we were blessed financially as well—$125 from the group. We walked away overflowing with God’s goodness.
All I can say is: Thank you, Jesus. I give You all the praise, all the glory, and all the honor.
