Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Breathing in the Deep

I woke up this morning just before 5 a.m., and instead of praying during those quiet, early hours, I found myself slipping into the enemy’s trap. My thoughts spiraled down into the pit of despair—worrying about all the “what ifs.” Thank the Lord I eventually fell back asleep.

When I woke again, I thought about something KT always says: “New level, new devil!” And wow, does that feel true right now. The deeper I go with the Lord, the more intense and aggressive the enemy’s attacks seem to become. It’s hard to swallow the idea that the Lord might actually want us to “go back to Egypt”—to fix this situation through our own strength and resources. That just doesn’t make sense after all this time He’s spent building our faith and trust in Him. What would be the point of that kind of preparation if we end up borrowing money and striving in our flesh to clean up this mess?

Honestly, He’s ruined us for the world.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.” – Romans 12:2

We’ve been transformed in our thinking. I know deep down that God isn’t limited by what we can do. He can do anything He wants. All He has to do is speak, and the dead are raised, the blind can see, and the impossible becomes reality. He told Peter to go fishing for the tax money! He doesn’t need us working a worldly job to provide for us—He is Jehovah Jireh.

This morning, an image came to mind from The Abyss. There’s that powerful scene where the diver has to breathe liquid oxygen. At first, he panics and struggles—his body naturally rejects the idea of breathing liquid—but once he adapts, he can go deeper than he ever could before to complete the mission. That’s exactly how I feel. I’m panicking a little, struggling to keep trusting when logic tells me I should act. But if I can just let go and adjust to this unfamiliar place, then His glory will "kick in"—and I’ll be able to go deeper in Him to accomplish His will.

Today’s Spirit of Prophecy reading brought so much encouragement:

Small Straws in a Soft Wind by Marsha Burns – June 10, 2008

Refuse to allow fear to gain any ground in your heart and life, for I am with you wherever you go. Nothing that you encounter or endure is beyond My knowledge or notice. I know what you have need of before you ask. Your circumstances do not cause Me to worry, nor am I ignorant of the devices of Satan against you. I am not surprised by the things you must conquer, and I am with you to empower you to overcome and gain the victory, says the Lord. Be strong!

“The steps of a good man are ordered by the LORD, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the LORD upholds him with His hand. I have been young, and now am old; yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his descendants begging bread.” – Psalm 37:23–25

Lord, You are our refuge, our Savior, our Provider, our Healer, our Light in the darkness. We are nothing without You, and we can do nothing apart from You.

“Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him.” – Job 13:15

And then there’s the powerful faith of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego:

“O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it... But even if He does not, we want you to know… we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” – Daniel 3:16–18

No matter what happens, I want to have that kind of resolve.

Today’s Hope Journal reading was Ephesians 6—a timely and needed reminder of what we’re really up against:

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms…”

Tuesday, June 11, 2008

Wrecked and Remade

Yesterday, while Tom was napping, I listened to a CD that NL gave us during our last Thursday night meeting. It was called "Ten Shekels and a Shirt" (available on sermonindex.net), and wow—I was wrecked.

That message pierced my heart. I was undone—sobbing, repenting, and deeply convicted. It pulled me out of my self-focus and reminded me, once again, of who God is... and who I am not. I had been wallowing in fear, doubt, and questions—wondering where God is in all this chaos. But that message humbled me. It put me right back in my place, and I was flooded with repentance for trying to drag God into my timeline and my expectations instead of trusting Him in His perfect way.

It was so powerful, I knew Tom had to hear it too. I even thought about bringing it to the Upper Room group so others could hear it. So I prayed, “Lord, if You want me to share this with the group, please provide the gas money to get there. If not, we’ll just stay home and listen to it ourselves.”

Well, time came to leave, and the gas money didn’t come—so Tom and I stayed in and listened together. And just like it did with me, the message hit Tom right in the heart. We were both crying and repenting… recognizing how much we’ve been asking God to serve us, to show up in our timing. We forgot that He’s not here to serve us—we’re here to serve Him. His provision always comes—but in His way and His time.

Honestly, I should probably listen to that message daily until its truth saturates my heart, my mind, and my spirit.

Today is W’s day, and we barely had enough gas to go pick him up and bring him back. But then, the Lord showed up in a sweet and unexpected way. A sister in the Lord called and said that God had laid us on her heart—and told her it was okay to tithe to “His body.” She gave us $100. Praise You, Jesus! That covered a tank of gas and a few groceries—just what we needed for this week.

Here is today’s Spirit of Prophecy:

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns – June 11, 2008

Be aware that the enemy will do his utmost to get you to succumb to discouragement and defeat, but I say to you, rise up! This is a demonic attack and is meant to demoralize you. You are not destined to live under the rule of oppression. You are dedicated to victory, for the enemy is under your feet. Again, rise up, overcome the works of the flesh, and war against these powers of darkness. I am with you to strengthen you for the battle, says the Lord.

“Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple. For your obedience has become known to all. Therefore I am glad on your behalf; but I want you to be wise in what is good, and simple concerning evil. And the God of peace will crush Satan under your feet shortly. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.” – Romans 16:17–20

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Certain of what we do not see

I keep hearing in my heart:

“Faith is being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see.” – Hebrews 11:1

“Be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power.” – Ephesians 6:10

Yesterday, KM said something that hit deep: “Hope in what we can see is no hope at all.” And she’s right. If we’re only hoping in what we can physically see or predict, that’s not faith—it’s just comfort. But real faith? It’s raw, it’s stretching, and it anchors us in the unseen reality of God's promises.

This morning, I feel strong in the Lord—and in His mighty power! Not mine. Not our circumstances. Just Him. And it feels awesome. That strength… that assurance… it doesn’t come from anything visible. It comes from knowing deep down that no matter what today holds, He is with us. He’ll give us what we need—maybe it won’t always be financial provision, but it will be grace, strength, peace, and endurance. And that is more than enough.

So today, my focus is clear: keep my eyes on the Lord. Do what He’s called me to do, and let Him handle everything else. I don’t need to strive or worry—He’s got it. All of it.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Miracle Watch & Marriage News

Miracle number one: Nothing has been shut off yet!! Praise the Lord!
Miracle number two: We received another $100.00 gift yesterday—just in time. Since we already have gas and groceries, I think we should use it toward the car insurance so Tom doesn’t risk losing his license. God keeps showing up in these small, specific ways.

There are only two more days until the 15th, and I won’t lie—it's been really hard not to focus on that looming deadline and panic. I’m fighting the urge to spiral and instead trying to keep my eyes on Jesus: to have faith, trust, praise, and intercede for Tom and others. Even if I don’t feel it all the time, I know in my spirit—God is good, and He will take care of all our needs.

Last night’s group went really well. I truly love the FWO book we’re going through, and I love my girls. The Lord has blessed me with such a precious, encouraging group of ladies. It’s like He handpicked them.

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Oswald Chambers for today – June 13
Getting There

“And Jesus, hearing it, said to him, One thing you still have need of; get money for your goods, and give it away to the poor, and you will have wealth in heaven; and come after me.” – Luke 18:22

This devotional hit me hard in the best way. I was reminded that God doesn’t care about our personality types, natural gifting, or excuses. He wants us—our entire selves, fully surrendered. We can’t dedicate what isn’t ours to begin with, and the only thing we can truly give Him is our right to ourselves. That’s where the real transformation starts. I want to be a holy experiment in His hands. He never fails.

I also needed the reminder that God is not surprised by what we’re facing. Not a single detail. Lord, help me to stop complaining and rejoice in this life You’ve given me. Thank You for today’s little miracle gifts: the gas card and the $25.00—Your care is so specific and tender.

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5:00pm – Update...

We now have a daughter-in-law! A and his fiancée didn’t end up getting married in the Dominican Republic—it was too expensive—but as soon as they got back to the States, they decided to go for it.

Tom got a call around 2:00pm:
“Can you meet us at the courthouse in about an hour? We’re getting married.”

So, he called me while I was at the park having lunch with the “Alerts” girls. We met at the house as soon as we could and off we went. They were married sometime around 4:00pm on June 13, 2008.

I’m still not totally sure how I feel about it all… but I guess that doesn’t really matter in the long run. This too was no surprise to the Lord.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Wrestling with the Unknown

Happy Father’s Day.

So far, we haven’t received any additional gifts since Thursday. We did use that $100 gift to pay the car insurance, which felt like the most urgent thing at the time. Still, I can’t help but feel the pressure creeping back in. My mind keeps racing—almost every waking moment is spent planning, imagining what selling and moving will look like. It’s exhausting.

It’s been hard to fall asleep at night, and even harder to stay asleep. The second I wake up, my thoughts go straight to all the details: What are we going to do? How are we going to manage this move? I try to focus on meditating on God’s Word. I try to hang onto His promises and lift others up in prayer—especially Tom. But I still find myself slipping back into problem-solving mode, like I have to figure it all out.

And speaking of Tom… he confessed to me that he slipped again last night. I’m very disappointed. But should I really be surprised? This kind of stress gets to him deeply, and that pattern—that particular “comfort” and “medication” for pain—is familiar. Too familiar. My heart hurts for him, even as I wrestle with my own frustration.

To top it off, we got a cutoff notice for the electric bill. It’s scheduled to be shut off on Wednesday.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Packing, Prayers & Popcorn Smoke

Wow. The craziness begins… or continues! Time was running out, and without the money to pay rent, we had to make a decision. So, we decided it was time to get out of the house. Eight days. That’s all we have to pack, sell, and let go of everything we can before our trip to California. Whatever we can’t sell, we’ll store.

Yesterday, the shift began. We started boxing things up and posting listings on Craigslist. E came over to help and ended up taking a lot of the kids’ things and other items she wanted. It was both helpful and a little heartbreaking.

I called LJ to see if we could trade in our old computer stuff and my PC for a laptop, and she came through—not only with the laptop, but also paid our electric bill so it won’t get shut off Wednesday! Praise God for the body of Christ! And on top of that, the cable company called saying they’d cut us off today, but by God’s grace, they granted an extension until Friday.

Tom is really struggling. He cried so much last night—just broken. Honestly, I probably am too, but I won’t even feel it until a couple of days from now. Right now, I’m in “work mode,” which shuts everything else off. Yesterday I felt the weight of it though… I could hardly breathe. Especially since I burned the crap out of a bag of popcorn and filled the house with smoke! 😅

This all feels surreal—almost like we’re watching someone else’s life unfold. Where do we go when we get back from California? I honestly have no idea… but Jesus does. And that’s all I can cling to right now.

I’ve got to get back to Craigslist and keep moving. I’ll try to keep up with my journaling through this whirlwind—we’ll see how that goes.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Peace, Provision & a $2,000 Surprise

Today was a much better day.

This morning, while making and eating breakfast, Tom and I had a heart-to-heart, and God really ministered to both of us. I was finally feeling a sense of peace and confidence I hadn’t felt earlier in the week, and as I started to share my thoughts with Tom, something shifted.

As I verbalized what I was feeling, I was encouraged just as much as he was. I said, If we’re not confident in what we’re doing, how could we possibly convince your family that this move is what we’re supposed to do? We need to step back and look at the whole picture—that’s when you see the right perspective.

This house was always meant to be temporary—we just didn’t know when we were supposed to leave. Now, we do. We’ve long felt called to host a house church and to lead the couples’ retreat, and neither is doable in this space. Looking back, I can see how God’s been gently preparing us for this season for over a year—probably longer. Slowly helping us release things… a little at a time.

I even remembered the list we made when we were house hunting two years ago—we had ten specific things we wanted, and we only got one. But we still felt this was the place God had for us. Imagine if we had gotten everything on that list… we would’ve been so comfortable that leaving now would’ve felt impossible. It’s already hard as it is!

After that talk, we both felt so much better—especially Tom. We started our day lighter and more hopeful.

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I spent most of the day re-listing all our Craigslist items. Originally, I grouped things, but I decided to post each item individually instead—and it paid off! Three buyers showed up today with cash (over $350!), and I’ve got another $300 in sales lined up for the next couple of days. Definitely worth the time and effort.

We were already feeling pretty good—thinking we’d be able to cover Tom’s ticket, the rest of the car insurance, and even the cable bill. Then came the shock of the day: Tom checked our bank account and saw that someone had deposited $2,000! One of the guys Tom meets with emailed and said that he and his wife had been praying about supporting us, and they felt like God said YES. So he asked for our account info and sent the money.

PRAISE THE LORD. Can you believe it?! This confirmed even more that the move is what we’re supposed to do. If we’d gotten that money earlier—like on Sunday—we probably wouldn’t have moved. God knew that, and this was the only way He could give us both the provision and the push to keep going. By now, we’ve already packed a ton and sold a bunch. There’s no turning back—the train is moving, and it’s picking up speed.

I’m tired, but I’m doing really well. P and A came by to help pack yesterday, and KM came today. I am surrounded by some incredible, faithful people.

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Oswald Chambers for today – June 18
Keep Recognizing Jesus

“And He said, Come! And going down from the boat, Peter walked on the waters to go to Jesus. But seeing the wind strong, he was afraid, and beginning to sink, he cried out, saying, Lord, save me!” — Matthew 14:29–30

This was so timely. Just like Peter, I need to keep my eyes on Jesus and not on the waves. The wind is real, and the waves are high—but Jesus is still bigger. Oswald reminded me that when we take our eyes off Him, we go down. But when we recognize Him, when we recklessly abandon our fears and circumstances, He lifts us.

Lord, help me to be “recklessly abandoned” for You.