Friday, August 31, 2007

I got up at 4:15 this morning to spend a little time with Tom. Lately, I’ve been working so much and out almost every night that I barely have time with him. Even when I’m home, I’m so exhausted that I’m not fully present.

We were having a wonderful time together until I mentioned that I had set aside some time but couldn’t stay long. It was as if a switch flipped—the mood instantly changed, and our great time turned sour. I felt awful for saying that and was so upset with myself. I should have just stayed and enjoyed our time together, even if it made me late. But the damage was already done.

I started crying and couldn’t stop. I tried to eat breakfast but had no appetite. I really didn’t want to go to work, but I knew that, with it being the Friday before a long holiday, the office would be quiet, and I could get a lot done. Seeing me in tears, Tom asked if I really wanted to go in. I admitted that I didn’t, but I felt pressured to get something done while I had the chance.

I decided to log in remotely and let my boss know I’d be late—if I went in at all. Then, I laid down on the couch, still torn.

---

For two hours, I wrestled with my decision. On one hand, I thought about all I could accomplish at work. But then I thought about how disappointed Tom would be if I chose work over spending the day with him—especially since we had talked about going for a drive and visiting the farmers market.

I felt like this was a test: Would I choose what would ultimately burn away, or would I choose my relationship with my husband?

When I framed it like that, the choice seemed obvious—so why was it so hard to make?

The moment I finally chose to stay home, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and joy. I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to decide! It reminded me of a time at Outback when I had the chance to give myself a better tip. I stood at the credit card machine debating for what felt like an eternity—until I finally snapped out of it and realized I already knew what was right. So I did it.

---

We ended up going for that drive, having lunch, and visiting the farmers market—and it was exactly what I needed. It was peaceful, refreshing, and so therapeutic.

On our way back, we stopped at D and L’s house to pick up some papers. I mentioned that I had taken a “mental health day” and shared a little bit of my struggles. L was so encouraging—she reminded me to stand firm and trust God with everything.

I’ve been feeling drained, stressed, and a bit out of focus—PMS certainly isn’t helping. But after everything today, I went home, took a three-hour nap, and woke up feeling so much better.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

This morning’s message was powerful. The pastor taught from Hebrews 12:1-3:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Once again, the Lord was speaking to me about fixing my eyes on Him and not losing heart as He perfects my faith! Earlier, I had been talking with some friends about how it feels like God is stripping away everything I’ve allowed to come between Him and me—something I’ve prayed for many times. Specifically, He’s working on my control issues and my tendency to step in and “fix” things when I feel like they aren’t being handled the way I think they should be.

It’s as if God is building my spiritual and faith muscles—it hurts, and I feel sore—but I know that, in the end, He will be glorified!

---

After church, I spent some time cooking while Tom read to me from False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg. We had a wonderful conversation about God and what He is doing in our lives. Some of the ideas in the book challenged me, pushing me to examine and question certain aspects of what we’re doing more deeply.

I realized I needed some answers and encouragement—I’ve been engaging the enemy too much, allowing doubt and fear to creep in. And once again, I found myself asking the same question I’ve asked so many times before: Why do I keep falling into doubt and fear so easily, just like the Israelites?

God is always awesome. He is always big. He is always in control.

Thank you, Jesus!

Monday, September 03, 2007 (Labor Day)

I had considered going into work today to take care of the contracts, but when I woke up this morning, I realized how silly that idea was. I need to take every opportunity to be home and spend time with my husband—so home I will stay. I also need to work on the Womenade tasks and catch up on my journal.

Tom had asked for cornmeal pancakes, so I made breakfast while he mowed the backyard. During breakfast, I shared with him how I had felt yesterday—how easily I fall back into doubt and fear, even when God is so close. I’m so tired of allowing myself to be knocked back so easily (because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind—James 1:6).

When I said this, Tom told me he had a picture in his mind of gladiators in training. Their leaders would test them by striking them in the chest with their palm. If they stepped back or fell, they weren’t ready to move forward. But if they stood their ground, they could advance in their training. Then he told me to turn to Hebrews 10:32-39:

"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, 'He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.' But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."

Once again, God knew my heart—what I needed and exactly when I needed it. More than ever, I see that this is not about money or possessions, but about His glory and my relationship with Him. It’s about building my faith and trust in Him. I found myself in tears again, feeling the Lord so near, encouraging me. I could sense the roots of His Word growing deeper into my heart, becoming more alive as it ministered to, encouraged, and taught me.

God is SO amazing!!

---

Father, I thank You for Your love and patience with me. I ask for Your forgiveness for my doubts and fears and for allowing the enemy to take so much ground in my life. In Jesus’ name, I pray that this will not happen again. When my strength is gone, help me to stand firm and hold my ground in Your strength. Thank You for being with me at every turn, for reminding me of who You are and how much You love me. I couldn’t do this without You.

This is all about You and Your glory—not about me. I want to praise Your name and “Consider it pure joy... whenever [I] face trials of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of [my] faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that [I] may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4).

Help me to sing Your praises in all circumstances!

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I woke up this morning with a desire to have an attitude of gratitude! I felt like I had not been praising my Lord as much as I should and have allowed the enemy to drag me down so I started thanking Jesus for all of my blessings and giving Him all the Glory, honor and Praise! I felt much better afterwards :)

We got a notice today from the attorneys (?) that our hearing will be on October 3rd. So, we know that we will have the house thru September. Praise the Lord!! :)

Sunday, September 09, 2007

God is so good! I can’t say that enough!

This past week at work was intense, as it always is at the beginning of the month with billing deadlines. Each morning, I started working as soon as I arrived and didn’t stop for ten or eleven hours straight. A couple of days, I didn’t even take a lunch break—just ate my salad at my desk while I worked. Thank the Lord for K! She has been such a lifesaver and a wonderful help. I did miss getting into the Word in the mornings and my workouts, but at least I know this hectic season will end soon.

---

Over the past week or so, Tom and I had been drifting apart, and I didn’t realize how far until yesterday. It was a difficult day, but God—as always—turned it around this morning for His glory. I could see that the enemy was working hard to drive a wedge between us, and we were both struggling to break free from it. Tom felt like I was attacking him, while I thought he was making more out of situations than they really were. I did sense some emotional distance, but in my opinion, it wasn’t as bad as he believed.

Tension escalated, and Tom eventually went upstairs after asking me to search my heart and see what was there. I stayed downstairs, listening to mellow music, doing a word search puzzle, and trying to pray. I asked God why I was running so hard. I felt like I had years ago when all I wanted to do was run away from home and leave Tom behind. My heart had become so hard. I had no desire to work things out and just wanted to stay as far away from him as possible.

When Tom came downstairs to watch TV, I took the opportunity to escape upstairs to check emails and read.

---

Later, I began going through the Love Addiction book because someone had mentioned referring a woman to me who was struggling in that area, knowing I could help. As I read, God met me there. He revealed things to me—preparing me for what He was doing both in that moment and later that night. I read as much as I could before bed, then switched to the Amy Simpleton book until I fell asleep.

---

The next morning, Tom was trying to make things better, but I still wasn’t ready to let go. There were still things we needed to work through, and I didn’t want to just brush it off.

Eventually, though, we were able to sit down and be honest about what we were struggling with. The truth was finally out on the table:

• Tom had been grasping at me—trying to cling to me emotionally because he was facing battles of his own.
• With me working long hours and having evening meetings, he was feeling really lonely.
• He admitted that he was trying to have his emotional needs met through me, but the more he clung, the more I pulled away.
• The harder he grasped, the more distant I became.

It was a painful cycle, but thankfully, we were able to break through it. We talked, we listened, and—by God’s grace—we were able to resolve it.

---

Worship was so good today! And on top of that, E surprised us by coming to church with the kids!

It turned out to be a beautiful morning, and I truly feel like the gap between Tom and me has been closed. My heart is no longer hard toward him.

Thank you, Jesus!

Monday, September 10, 2007

God, we need You now more than ever.

Last night, as we were driving home from Family Night, A called to tell us that he and C are getting married in a couple of months. We had just spent the entire evening with him, and yet he waited until we left to tell us—over the phone! Needless to say, we are not thrilled about this news.

Lord, please intervene. Open his eyes and help him see that this may not be a wise decision.

---

Another call from Chase Bank.

They reached out again yesterday, and I spoke with two women. It’s so difficult to explain what we’re doing and why—because, to them, it doesn’t make sense. This time, I didn’t cry, but I walked away wondering, again, if we are truly in God’s will.

Tom also told me that the sheriff came by to deliver papers, which were essentially the same as what we received in the mail—a court date notice—but this one also stated that the foreclosure sale is scheduled for October 24th at 10:30 AM.

We are both struggling. Again.

It’s easy to say, “I will trust and not be afraid.” But actually living that out is not easy. One of the women on the phone yesterday said, “You’re not even doing anything to help your situation.” I told her—honestly—that this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It would be so much easier to take matters into my own hands, to go through the programs, to try to fix everything myself.

But that’s not what God has called us to do.

One day, I will stand before the Creator of the universe, and I want to be able to say with confidence, “Lord, I trusted You.”

---

Lord, I need confirmation.

I need to know that we are still in Your will, because right now—I feel so off track.

---

At Work – 7:30 AM

After I wrote that prayer, I went downstairs to make breakfast and pack my lunch for work. Tom came down, and we talked more about how we were feeling. It’s not that we care so much about things anymore, but what weighs on us is how this looks to others.

People don’t understand why we’re not paying the bills—why we don’t seem to care or even be trying. Our integrity is at stake. Our witness is at stake. It’s hard enough for us to walk through this—let alone trying to explain it to others.

Then we read today’s devotion from Battlefield of the Mind, and once again, God answered immediately.

The devotion was about how the Israelites were such whiners:

"All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron, and the whole assembly said to them,
‘If only we had died in Egypt! Or in this desert!
Why is the LORD bringing us to this land only to let us fall by the sword?
Our wives and children will be taken as plunder.
Wouldn't it be better for us to go back to Egypt?’"
—Numbers 14:2-3

Lord, help me not to be a grumbler or a whiner! Help me to trust You with my whole heart, mind, spirit, and soul.

---

Later, in my Hope Journal, I was reading in Daniel 1 & 2, and Daniel’s prayer when God revealed the king’s dream really spoke to me:

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;
wisdom and power are his.
He changes times and seasons;
he sets up kings and deposes them.
He gives wisdom to the wise
and knowledge to the discerning.
He reveals deep and hidden things;
he knows what lies in darkness,
and light dwells with him.
I thank and praise you, O God of my fathers:
You have given me wisdom and power,
you have made known to me what we asked of you,
you have made known to us the dream of the king."
—Daniel 2:20-23

---

God is shifting my perspective.

Last night, at a women’s meeting, someone made a comment about how we often react out of fear—how we panic and scramble to fix things ourselves instead of trusting God with the outcome.

I spoke up and said, “There is nothing God does not see. He is aware of everything, and He desires to take care of us—if we will just let Him.”

And as I said it, I realized… a few months ago, I wouldn’t have even thought that, let alone spoken it aloud!

My perspective is changing right before my eyes. And it’s all in God’s favor. For His glory.

---

I truly believe that He is answering my prayer—my deep longing to see more of His power in my life. But His power is so great—He can’t just give it to anyone.

He has to prepare us.
He has to strengthen us.
He has to refine us so we can handle it with faith, discernment, and wisdom.

The plans He has for us—the future He is preparing—requires that we go through this process.

As difficult as it is, as painful as it is, we need to go through it to be ready for what He has in store.

---

Praise be to the name of God—forever and ever!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Today's Hope Journal Reading: Daniel 3-4

So, guess what I read this morning? That’s right—Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! 😊

Daniel 3:16-18
"Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I found it interesting that the king chose fire as their punishment—a blazing furnace heated seven times hotter than normal—rather than what he later decreed for those who spoke against their God, which was to be cut into pieces.

I have no doubt that if God had chosen to deliver them from that second punishment, He would have done something amazing—like bringing all the pieces back together! But the fire carried an even greater impact. The king saw four men instead of three in the flames, and that powerful visual changed everything.

---

Excerpt from Today's Daily Bread:

"As I think of my dad’s patience in bringing a painting to life, my heart is directed to our heavenly Father. He looks on us and sees the voids and imperfections in our lives, yet lovingly and patiently does His work in us to make us His masterpiece—a masterpiece that 'conforms to the image of His Son' (Rom. 8:29).

What a joy it is to have such a God, who makes us new (2 Cor. 5:17) and never tires of investing His energy and effort into our lives!"
—Bill Crowder

---

Thank you, Jesus, for your patience and loving tenderness.

All that we are going through is for Your glory and for our good. Help me to trust You more, to see Your purposes in my life, and to surrender myself to You completely.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.