Thursday, July 24, 2008

Fighting the Fog: Grace in the Emotional Freefall

This morning, I was deep in the emotional dumps. With each passing day, more and more doors seem to close—especially when it comes to options for places to stay. On top of that, Tom and I inadvertently caused some difficulty with one of the couples we’re working with, and it hit me hard. It wasn’t intentional, but knowing we may have added to their burdens made me feel terrible. It left me wondering, Is all of this for nothing?

It felt like we missed the boat—every which way. And to make things worse, I found myself doubting our ability to do the ministry we’ve been called to. I used to “run away” in my mind and emotions when Tom and I were struggling in our marriage. I’d mentally escape to a quiet, far-off place where I didn’t have to deal with the weight of it all. I haven’t done that in a long time—until this morning. I wanted to run so badly. Everything inside me was screaming for escape… to disappear into a small town, get a job, and pretend none of this ever happened.

Of course, I wouldn’t actually do that. I couldn’t. But I felt raw… vulnerable… weak. Then I read the day’s Spirit of Prophecy message and everything shifted:

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns -- July 24, 2008:

An attack has been released against you on a most intimate and personal level to accuse and condemn you. You will be tempted to entertain these subtle accusations by focusing on what you think might be your shortcomings. You will not know for sure because the criticisms are vague. What you need to understand is that I am the Lord, and I do not bring vague or indistinct correction to you. I work with you in love to always move you to a place of security in My kingdom, and the correction that comes from Me is always a relief to your spirit that causes you to rejoice.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit." Romans 8:1 

That message pierced the fog. I could see it now: this was an attack from the enemy—subtle, emotional, and personal. The feelings I had this morning were vague and accusatory, not from the Lord. And just like that, God pulled me back on track… at least for today. :)

Monday, July 28, 2008

Power, Process, and the Presence of God

So much has happened this weekend—mostly good things, as we reconnected with friends and family. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed talking about the Lord and pressing in to know Him better alongside fellow brothers and sisters.

Thursday’s group went really well. I shared some of the struggles Tom and I have been facing, and I was so encouraged by their responses. Tom has been wrestling again with the question of why we don’t see more power in our walk and ministry. So, I brought that up with the girls, and they were quick to respond with truth: they do see power in our ministry. They shared that they see lives being transformed, marriages being healed, and people being encouraged and restored. They reminded me that what we’re doing could only be accomplished by God’s power working through us. That really opened my eyes. We had been so focused on the absence of “signs and wonders” that we missed the quieter, but no less miraculous, evidence of God's hand—healing hearts and restoring relationships.

On Friday night, Tom and I went to Carrabba’s to celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary, since Saturday was going to be busy. We had a lovely evening out and came home early because we were both so tired.

Saturday was full. I had a walking meeting in the morning and then watched the kids for E and R so they could go visit a friend’s new baby, born just the day before—both mom and baby are doing well. Later, we joined A and C for the Kingdom Growth Guide. Attendance was small, but it allowed for deeper conversation. Tom and I were encouraged and once again reminded of our purpose and calling. That time helped to re-center us.

Lately, I’ve felt God repeatedly calling me to deeper prayer. I can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing in how I approach it. Sometimes I wonder if the way I was taught to pray—through systems and routines—has dulled the intimacy that God really desires. Have I made prayer more of a religious habit than a relational communion? I’m trusting Him to show me a better way, His way.

On Sunday, we attended the Acts Bible Study, and I was blown away again. D shared about the nature of the triune God—not as three separate persons we relate to independently, but as one God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in perfect unity. When we pray, it’s to all three… not separately, but together. That concept was so freeing and enlightening for me. It helped shift my perspective on how I relate to God. It's difficult to fully grasp, but once you get even a glimpse of that reality, it changes everything.

One woman there was suffering from shoulder pain from a recent car accident, and we were led to pray for her. BA did most of the praying aloud, but several of us laid hands on her and joined in faith. Afterward, she looked at me and said she sensed a strong healing gift on me—even though I wasn’t the one speaking! That surprised me, but it also affirmed something deeper stirring within me.

Later, CA felt led to gather a few of us for intercession. We prayed for husbands and marriages specifically, and she did some warfare for A. During that time, she said she saw a “warrior anointing” coming over me—whatever that means. We’ll be meeting every other Friday at her house to intercede before the Prophecy class. I’m hopeful and praying God will use that time to break strongholds in the spiritual realm in Jesus’ name.

One thing I shared with the group on Thursday night was that I sure hope God has an amazing plan in store for us, considering all we’ve gone through. But then I read Oswald Chambers’ devotional for today, and… well… it put me in my place:

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July 28 – God’s Purpose or Mine?
"Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd." —Mark 6:45

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite.

What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me.

God’s purpose is for this very minute. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. It is the process, not the outcome, that glorifies God.

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Wow. There really isn’t some grand, long-term plan I need to figure out. The plan is now. God is after my moment-by-moment obedience, surrender, and love. He’s shaping and molding me to reflect Him more fully—to become the Bride of Christ, unified in spirit with His body.

Whatever happens here is secondary. The shaping, the refining, and the daily surrender are the point. Lord, help me to hang onto this truth. Help me to see You walking on the water in the middle of my storms and trust that You are enough. Mold me for Your purposes, not mine.

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Insert – 2022, Linda:
Speaking of the “Bride of Christ,” I’ve since had a new understanding of what that really means. I wrote about it in my Journey to Know God blog here:
👉 Come, I Will Show You the Bride, the Wife of the Lamb

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Mowing Lawns, Moving Mountains

This has been a fairly quiet week. I’ve gotten back into my workout routine and started tackling some long-overdue yard work. Monday, after my walk, I decided to mow the front yard—and boy was that tough! It had grown so thick and tall that I had to constantly lift the mower to keep it from bogging down and cutting out… over and over again. Not to mention the hidden fire ant hills that made things extra exciting.

On Wednesday, I got into some weeding in the natural areas while A was with me. The progress was slow since she needed my attention, but we had a good time together. She played with the hose and toys, and then wanted to play on the backyard equipment. I got the mower back out and cut a path from one play area to the next (there are three!). That was a project in itself. She played on them for about ten minutes before getting bored and heading inside. Oh well—at least I made a dent in the work for next time.

By Friday, I finished weeding the area I started on Wednesday, so I’m feeling pretty good about that. Tuesday and Thursday were much-needed “recovery” days!

We’ve really been taking things one day at a time lately, not knowing what our situation will be from day to day. DD and his wife are still trying to sort out their future plans, so everything feels very in flux for us. On Wednesday, while A and I were out front, the neighbor across the street came over and introduced herself. She explained that she had purchased the house for her ailing grandmother, but her grandmother has since improved, so now she’s juggling two homes. She uses this one during the day while her kids attend the nearby school, then they head to the other house in the evenings.

I told her we were here temporarily and our housing situation was uncertain. She mentioned she used to work for a real estate company that furnished and staged homes, and that sometimes they placed people in them to make them look lived in. That sounded really interesting, so I told her I’d love to learn more. We exchanged info, and now I’m just waiting to see what God might do with that.

I’ve said it so many times: I need to stop trying to project or predict what God is going to do—trying to “fill in the blanks.” I want to just take each day as it comes and let His plan unfold. So much easier said than done! But I’m doing my best not to dwell on the uncertainty or run ahead of Him. I also looked into the idea of house sitting, but when I researched it, it seemed like everyone was looking to do the house-sitting, not offer a home. So, I let it go.

Then I talked to CT about it, and wouldn’t you know—she called back and said one of her daughter’s friend’s parents might be looking for a house sitter! She gave them our number. Just one more possibility for a place to stay in August, if the Lord wills.

Spiritually, I’m still learning and stretching in my prayer life. I’ve spent more time this week reading and praying through the Word and just soaking in the Lord’s presence. On Friday night, we started the Prophetic Teaching class at B and C’s house. C invited a few of us to meet beforehand for intercessory prayer, so three of us gathered. It was a good time of prayer, and I truly hope God used it for His glory.

One thing that’s becoming clearer to me is this: it’s not about our ability to do things for God—it’s about Christ doing things through us. That changes everything. It’s not about me striving or achieving; it’s about me surrendering, so that He gets the credit and glory.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
—Ephesians 2:8–10

I’m trying to wrap my mind around what it means to die daily so that He can live through me. I must decrease so that He can increase. If we could do what He asks of us in our own strength, then Christ died for nothing. That truth humbles me deeply.

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Prayer:
Lord, help me to stay on the path You’ve laid out for me—not one I’ve crafted in my own strength or imagination. Help me to die to myself daily. Teach me to trust You, moment by moment—not just in the big things, but in the little things, too. I don’t want to control or figure things out anymore. I want to follow Your lead in every hour, every minute, and every second. I know I fall short, and I have such a long way to go… but thank You for your grace, patience, and forgiveness. You are so faithful.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Faith, Feelings, and Friendship with God

Today, I realized that I’ve slipped into my predictable journaling patterns again—recording events and situations, but not really expressing how I feel about them. So here it is: my feelings have been all over the place. They seem to shift depending on the day, how much sleep I’ve gotten, what I’ve managed to get done, and how much time I’ve spent in the Word and in prayer.

I’ve noticed that all the gardening and outdoor work might actually be my way of managing feelings of inadequacy and stress. Ministry opportunities have been very slow lately—summer vacations and people being out of town have left my schedule pretty empty. I guess I feel more significant when I’m being productive. I also want to be a blessing and not a burden to DD and his wife while we’re here, so working on the house gives me a sense of purpose.

But then on my “recovery” days, I tend to slip into isolation. I sleep more and withdraw emotionally. Even then, though, I usually spend a good amount of time reading the Word and doing my studies—so I am being productive, just in a quieter way.

Financially, we’re down to just the cash in our pockets—about $50. God has been so faithful in meeting our needs every single time, but Tom struggles when he can’t see the provision ahead of time. If the money’s not visible, he finds it hard to trust that it will be there when we need it. I know this is stretching him.

Yesterday, CT’s friend called me about house sitting, so it looks like we’ll be set to care for her home from the 10th through the 16th or 17th. Then MF asked if we could help out at their new house from the 18th through September 1st to let workers in while they're at work. That’s another gift of provision.

Then today, CT called again to ask if I’d be interested in caring for her mother-in-law one day a week. She needs someone to cook for her and run errands. As CT described it, I didn’t feel a single check in my spirit—in fact, I felt very led to do it. I can already sense the ministry opportunity in this. Though we’ve never met, I feel like I know her from all the kind and loving things CT has shared. My name will be added to the list of candidates, and I’m trusting God to open or close that door according to His will.

On a deeper note, Tom and I had a hard but honest conversation today. He told me he feels like we’re not doing as well as we used to. He feels lonely—and that I don’t encourage him. He said when he’s struggling, he feels judged and criticized by me instead of supported. And honestly… he’s right. I may have the gift of faith, but not the gift of encouragement. When he gets anxious or stressed, I tend to avoid him, which is not fair or loving. That’s a selfish attitude. I need to learn to press in, not pull away. I need to be a source of support for him—not just when things are good, but especially when things are hard. I feel deeply convicted about this, and I’m asking the Lord to help me become the wife my husband needs.

We still haven’t heard anything from DD about their plans, so we’ll just continue to take one day at a time and respond to what the Lord shows us.

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Oswald Chambers Devotion – August 4
“The Brave Friendship of God”

“Then He took the twelve aside and said to them, ‘Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.’” – Luke 18:31

Reflection from Oswald:
Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! You may say, “But He has been unwise to choose me. There is nothing good in me.” That’s why He chose you. God can’t use the one who still thinks they’re valuable to Him based on natural strength. He needs someone who has reached the end of themselves. It’s not our skills or strengths that make us useful to Him—it’s our poverty. The most important thing is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain with Him. And that is what is constantly under attack.

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Personal Response:
I can honestly say—I feel like there’s nothing good in me right now. I feel like I fall short in everything God asks me to do. And yet, somehow, this devotional brought me comfort. It reminded me that God knows all of that... and still calls me friend. Still uses me. Still invites me to go “up to Jerusalem” with Him, to be part of His plan, even when I feel completely inadequate.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for trusting me when I don't even trust myself.

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Conviction, Correction, and Confidence in His Timing

This has been a good week for me—challenging, humbling, and refining all at once.

On Monday, I started reading the chapter in For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn, the one our group is doing titled “Sex Changes Everything.” When I got to this line:

“Sex makes your husband feel loved—in fact, he cannot feel completely loved without it. You have discovered that he often feels isolated and burdened by secret feelings of inadequacy. Making love with you assures him that you find him desirable, salves a deep sense of loneliness, and gives him the strength and well-being necessary to face the world with confidence.”

…DOH!! Talk about conviction.

The whole chapter read like a spotlight aimed directly at my blind spots. I felt deeply corrected—not shamed—but corrected in love. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, I moved from that book straight into The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, and got spiritually “smacked” again. It reminded me how far I’ve drifted from intentionally loving Tom in his languages, not just mine.

Looking back at my last journal entry and the prayer I prayed… well, let’s just say God answered quickly and clearly. Thank you, Jesus, for showing me truth so directly and kindly.

I mention all this for two reasons. First, to document my own walk and growth in this season. And second, because on Wednesday, at a Bible study on the book of Jeremiah, the Holy Spirit led our discussion in a totally unexpected direction—toward marriage and our responsibilities as wives. I felt led to share what the Lord revealed to me earlier in the week.

And wow. Truth hit hearts.

All the women began to share personal things—things that likely wouldn’t have come out without that leading. There was a beautiful atmosphere of vulnerability, support, and conviction. The Spirit moved, revealing, comforting, and correcting. What a gift. Even in my weakness, God used me. Praise you, Jesus! You truly use all things for Your glory.

On the practical side of life:
Tom spoke with DD today. They’ve decided to stay in their other house and rent this one out. That means we’re welcome to stay here until it’s rented. I offered to help with painting, so DD is bringing over some supplies on Monday. We'll try to get as much done as we can to help before the house is shown.

This weekend, we’ll be house- and pet-sitting for T, and after that, I’ll be helping MF at her new home. Hopefully, we can juggle all of it well and be a help to each of them.

Financially speaking, we’re down to just $13. That number would normally cause fear or panic, but oddly enough, there’s peace. We’re continuing to trust that God will provide—and He will. His timing is always perfect, even when it stretches us.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Provision, Purpose, and Painful Release

We are now settled in at T’s house, and Mocha—their sweet dog—has been a joy. She's such a gentle, lovable companion. Being here has given us some space to breathe and reset a little.

And once again, God’s provision showed up right on time.

On Friday, someone handed Tom $20 for gas, and then DD gave us another $25 for all the work I did on the yard. (It took me five days, but I finally conquered that grass!) Now that it's cleared, it should be much easier to maintain. That $45 came in just as the gas light in our car was blinking and we had a full weekend ahead of us. Lord, thank You for meeting our needs in perfect timing—every time.

Friday night, we went to a teaching on the prophetic at A and C’s house, and CT came with us. She really enjoyed it and spent the next couple of days chewing on everything she heard. It was deep and rich, and I love seeing her light up spiritually like that.

Saturday was a treat—I went with CT and some of the ladies from church to Carolina Beach. The weather was gorgeous, the water was refreshing, and the fellowship was good. I didn’t engage in a ton of conversation because the other women sat out in the direct sun, while I stayed under the umbrella. I wasn't willing to risk getting fried in the sun again! I still ended up with more color than I wanted, but thankfully, no major burn.

Sunday brought something new. ST (CT’s sister-in-law) called and set up an “interview” for me to meet with her mother-in-law G and G’s sister F, whom she lives with. I was very honest with them—explaining that I had no medical training, but could cook, clean, shop, and do just about anything else they might need. I prayed with them before I left, asking the Lord to guide them in their decision.

They didn’t even wait until Monday to decide.

Later that same day, they called and said they’d like to give me a chance—and asked if I could start this week! So, tomorrow I’ll head over to work out a meal plan and whatever else is needed. I know without a doubt that this is God’s plan and not my own. I’m praying for wisdom, discernment, and a powerful ministry opportunity through this. Lord, let Your Spirit minister to them in every detail.

In the midst of all that, Tom and I also started painting over at DD’s house today. He decided to stick with the original colors of each room rather than going with neutral tones. They’re definitely bold choices, and I’m not sure how they’ll work for renters—but I’m praying we don’t end up repainting everything again if it becomes an issue. Lord, please let our work be enough.

Then there was Thursday night...

A called, once again wrestling with our current situation and what we’re doing. Apparently, Mom and Dad had called him, which stirred everything back up. He and Tom had a long talk, and later, I had to speak with him too because C was upset about something I said—something that was misunderstood, again. I told him, from my heart, that I never intend to say anything that would hurt or offend. But I feel like no matter what I say, it gets twisted or used against me. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking.

It brought to mind that passage about the two women fighting over a baby in front of King Solomon. The real mother gave up her claim to save the baby’s life. That’s how I felt after the conversation—like maybe the most loving thing we can do is let go. Perhaps we need to encourage A to fully cleave to his wife and let go of his connection with us for now, since our presence seems to bring more pain than peace. It’s hard to even write that… but I’m laying this at the Lord’s feet. Only He can untangle this.

So much is shifting right now. Some of it is hard, some of it is hopeful—but all of it is in God’s hands.

Lord, thank You for Your faithful provision, for divine appointments, and for the new doors You are opening. Please continue to guide us with Your Spirit. Grant me grace and courage where relationships are strained. Protect our family from the evil one. Heal what’s broken, and keep our hearts anchored in You.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Provision, Perspective, and Pressing In

Wow, it’s been a little while since I last wrote. Honestly, I just haven’t felt much like writing lately. It’s not that things have been bad—in fact, quite a few good things have happened—but I’ve just felt a bit quiet inside.

We finished house-sitting for T, and she was so pleased with us that she asked if we’d be willing to come back whenever they travel. Apparently, they go out of town often and need someone reliable to care for their home and pets. She paid us $200—$25 a day! I was surprised and blessed. A day or two later, I found myself laughing. Only God could come up with a setup where we get paid to stay in a beautiful home with internet, a big-screen TV, a screened-in porch, and food in the fridge. What a sweet, unexpected blessing!

We also celebrated A’s birthday there. We grilled steaks, baked potatoes, and I made his requested pineapple upside-down cake. Everything seemed to go smoothly, and everyone appeared to enjoy themselves. I just pray that I didn’t unknowingly say something that will come back to me later via C. Honestly, I feel like I could say, “The sky is blue,” and she’d find offense in it. It’s such a painful and frustrating tension—not being able to do anything right in her eyes.

On a more uplifting note, I’ve now visited G and F three times—cooked meals, ran errands, helped with odds and ends—and they seem very happy with me so far. I’m truly enjoying my time with them and love being able to pray for them while I serve. There’s something sweet and meaningful about that connection.

And God's provision? It continues to amaze me. Our car insurance and cell phone bills were due, and we were running on empty—literally. No gas, no groceries. Then, one by one, the Lord made a way. House-sitting brought in $200, G paid me $50 after my first visit, and then Tom met with a man CB had referred to him. Before even meeting Tom, the Lord laid it on this man’s heart to bless him with $150. Within two days, every single need was covered. Gas, groceries, and bills—handled. Thank You, Jesus. You are so faithful.

Lately, I’ve been working a lot on the house and yard. Honestly, maybe too much. I’ve had to pause and ask myself: Am I slipping into performance again? Trying to earn God’s approval by doing? This house needs so much work, and while I want to help, I have to keep first things first. I’ve been neglecting my quiet time, and I feel it.

Today, I wasn’t feeling well, so I slowed down—spent time with Tom and with the Lord, then took a 2½-hour nap. I think this cold is the Lord’s way of pressing the “pause” button and gently calling me back to rest in Him. Refocus. Re-center. Abide.

We’re still being blessed by Oswald Chambers, and the groups we’re attending continue to minister deeply to both Tom and me. This past Sunday, CA prayed over Tom. She warred in the Spirit, praying in tongues, and while we don’t remember all the words, we do remember her saying she saw the word “Restoration” over his head. That he would be used to restore lives and hearts. And she saw a massive angel standing behind him, guarding and protecting him. That gave us such peace and encouragement. What a powerful image.

Tom and I have had our ups and downs, but we’re getting better—much better—at recognizing the real enemy. We’re not falling for the old schemes as easily. God is growing us, sharpening us, and anchoring us.

Father, thank you so much for your provision and your faithfulness to us. Thank you for your patience with us as you continue to teach us who we are in you. Lord, I ask forgiveness for my drifting into old behavior patterns and I ask for Your strength to stand firm and walk steadily on the path that you have set before me. In Jesus name, Amen!