Today, I realized that I’ve slipped into my predictable journaling patterns again—recording events and situations, but not really expressing how I feel about them. So here it is: my feelings have been all over the place. They seem to shift depending on the day, how much sleep I’ve gotten, what I’ve managed to get done, and how much time I’ve spent in the Word and in prayer.
I’ve noticed that all the gardening and outdoor work might actually be my way of managing feelings of inadequacy and stress. Ministry opportunities have been very slow lately—summer vacations and people being out of town have left my schedule pretty empty. I guess I feel more significant when I’m being productive. I also want to be a blessing and not a burden to DD and his wife while we’re here, so working on the house gives me a sense of purpose.
But then on my “recovery” days, I tend to slip into isolation. I sleep more and withdraw emotionally. Even then, though, I usually spend a good amount of time reading the Word and doing my studies—so I am being productive, just in a quieter way.
Financially, we’re down to just the cash in our pockets—about $50. God has been so faithful in meeting our needs every single time, but Tom struggles when he can’t see the provision ahead of time. If the money’s not visible, he finds it hard to trust that it will be there when we need it. I know this is stretching him.
Yesterday, CT’s friend called me about house sitting, so it looks like we’ll be set to care for her home from the 10th through the 16th or 17th. Then MF asked if we could help out at their new house from the 18th through September 1st to let workers in while they're at work. That’s another gift of provision.
Then today, CT called again to ask if I’d be interested in caring for her mother-in-law one day a week. She needs someone to cook for her and run errands. As CT described it, I didn’t feel a single check in my spirit—in fact, I felt very led to do it. I can already sense the ministry opportunity in this. Though we’ve never met, I feel like I know her from all the kind and loving things CT has shared. My name will be added to the list of candidates, and I’m trusting God to open or close that door according to His will.
On a deeper note, Tom and I had a hard but honest conversation today. He told me he feels like we’re not doing as well as we used to. He feels lonely—and that I don’t encourage him. He said when he’s struggling, he feels judged and criticized by me instead of supported. And honestly… he’s right. I may have the gift of faith, but not the gift of encouragement. When he gets anxious or stressed, I tend to avoid him, which is not fair or loving. That’s a selfish attitude. I need to learn to press in, not pull away. I need to be a source of support for him—not just when things are good, but especially when things are hard. I feel deeply convicted about this, and I’m asking the Lord to help me become the wife my husband needs.
We still haven’t heard anything from DD about their plans, so we’ll just continue to take one day at a time and respond to what the Lord shows us.
Oswald Chambers Devotion – August 4
“The Brave Friendship of God”
“Then He took the twelve aside and said to them, ‘Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and all things that are written by the prophets concerning the Son of Man will be accomplished.’” – Luke 18:31
Reflection from Oswald:
Oh, the bravery of God in trusting us! You may say, “But He has been unwise to choose me. There is nothing good in me.” That’s why He chose you. God can’t use the one who still thinks they’re valuable to Him based on natural strength. He needs someone who has reached the end of themselves. It’s not our skills or strengths that make us useful to Him—it’s our poverty. The most important thing is not the work we do, but the relationship we maintain with Him. And that is what is constantly under attack.
Personal Response:
I can honestly say—I feel like there’s nothing good in me right now. I feel like I fall short in everything God asks me to do. And yet, somehow, this devotional brought me comfort. It reminded me that God knows all of that... and still calls me friend. Still uses me. Still invites me to go “up to Jerusalem” with Him, to be part of His plan, even when I feel completely inadequate.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for trusting me when I don't even trust myself.
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