Monday, February 04, 2008

Flipping the Switch

Today was another interesting day. I’m not sure how to describe how I’m feeling—just contemplative, a little vulnerable, and more emotional than usual.

Tom hasn’t been doing well. He’s not sleeping much, and this morning, he opened up about where he is spiritually and emotionally. In a way, he’s coming to the same realization I did a few days ago—the gap between what we say we’re willing to give up and what we’re actually ready to let go of. He knows, deep down, that he doesn’t want to lose everything. He likes his comfort. He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. And perhaps most humbling of all, he’s realizing that his heart for the lost isn’t like the disciples’—not yet.

We talked about Peter stepping out of the boat, about what it must have felt like in that moment when faith took over and he walked on water. I imagined it—a switch in his mind flipping, cutting off every other thought except Jesus is there, and I am going to Him. No fear of the storm, no hesitation. Just pure, reckless abandon. I think I caught a glimpse of what that switch would feel like in my own heart…

Tom wants that. He wants that switch to flip in his own mind. But the way he sees it is different. He related it to battle, to war—how, in the heat of the fight, men suddenly realize it’s life or death. The switch flips when they see their comrades falling around them, when survival instinct takes over, when they understand they have no choice but to fight.

Then he said something that hit me hard:

"I don’t see anyone around me going down… No one else is doing what we are doing."

His words stayed with me the rest of the day. I’ve felt emotional, on the verge of tears, but I can’t quite put my finger on why. I was so exhausted that I had to lie down for a nap, but even then, I couldn’t tell you what drained me.

We had lunch with B and C today—the leaders of the Acts Bible Study. It was really nice. We shared the “Reader’s Digest” version of our story, and they shared some of theirs. They understood our struggle, the constant wondering: Are we crazy? Is this really God, or are we off track? The tension of knowing we are “bucking the norm” while also asking God daily to correct us if we’re wrong.

Afterward, we had a wonderful time of worship and prayer. Sitting in the presence of the Lord, letting His peace wash over me, was exactly what my soul needed.

Yesterday, I went to the Acts Bible Study (Tom wasn’t feeling well). A and C were there, and we prayed for their son, P (A&C's special needs son). NL felt especially led to pray for him, but when he stood up, he just started weeping. He couldn’t get any words out. So we all prayed in tongues, interceding for P. Then, one of the women gave a word in tongues about the Holy Spirit—how much He desires for us to walk in the power He has given us, and yet how little we actually take hold of it.

We could feel the heart of God in that moment, pleading with us to grasp the authority and power we have in Him, to walk in it fully.

Lord, I want that.

Teach me. Fill me. Use me. Heal me.

Flip the switch.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Schooled by the Lord

Lately, I have been getting schooled by the Lord—lesson after lesson, conviction after conviction.

The situation with A and C spiraled into something so ridiculous that I ended up regretting sending my original email. I never even responded to their last message because it had become so nitpicky that it was leading nowhere fast. Then, Tom and I read the next chapter in the Emotional Healing book on judgments, and wow, did it hit me hard. I felt deeply convicted about the judgments I have made—not just against A and C, but also against my mom and Tom. The weight of that realization was so strong that I felt I needed to apologize to A and C for ever bringing those things up in the first place.

Sunday’s Acts Bible study was amazing. D taught on the covenant made between the Godhead before creation, showing that the ultimate purpose of all creation is God’s glory. So often, Christianity focuses on man—creation, the fall, salvation—but all of that is still centered around us. When the reality is, everything exists for God’s glory!

This truth has been transforming Tom and me. Tom put it beautifully the other day:

"God is getting so much bigger in our minds, and we are diminishing in our own thoughts. And that makes the fact that He still loves and cares for us even more amazing!"

On Tuesday, I met with BK, and we had such a great time of fellowship and sharing. She finally got her dreams book back and was able to re-evaluate the meaning of my "rope" dream. Initially, she had misunderstood part of it, but after looking up "left hand," she found that it actually represents spiritual strength, not human strength. Then, we looked up "rope," and it can mean covenant or vow. There were a few other insights, but I don’t remember all of them. Even though I don’t fully understand the dream yet, I trust that God will reveal its meaning in His perfect timing.

I had fallen behind in my studies, so I spent the morning catching up on three days’ worth—and wow, did the Lord continue my schooling in a big way!

Tom and I have been struggling in our relationship lately. Things were getting worse, not better. His behaviors were irritating me more and more, pushing me into isolation. I found myself slipping back into old judgmental and critical habits—trying to fix him, trying to control him. But today, in my studies, the Lord convicted me deeply.

I have been WAY out of line in what a Godly wife should be doing. I spent the morning in repentance, and when Tom came home, I asked for his forgiveness.

The most amazing thing? How subtly and quickly we can slip back into old habits!

Tom, being the Godly man that he is, graciously forgave me and also asked for my forgiveness. He admitted that he hasn’t been leading me well spiritually and that, as the head of our home, he is responsible for our spiritual condition. If things are "off" in the house, it’s because he is off.

Thank you, Lord, for a husband who takes responsibility before You! I know that I am still responsible for my own behavior, but it meant so much to me that he recognized his part as well.

Neither of us feels like we’re "walking on water" right now. It’s more like we’re flailing in the water! But praise God for His patience as He keeps drawing us back to Him.

The Lord has been teaching me to put Him first in my day, then Tom, and then everything else.

I’ve been so busy doing that I’ve neglected my being with Him. When I talked with BK, I realized just how fast I had been going when I first started in full-time ministry. If I had stopped suddenly, I don’t think I would have handled it well. Tom described it as coming to a dead stop after going warp speed—it would have been too much all at once.

But now, after a few months, I finally see what the Lord is asking of me:

He wants my first fruits—the first part of my day, my undivided attention.

I need to wake up earlier and truly give Him my morning. I need to stop rushing into my tasks and start my day with Him first.

Tom also shared with me that he has felt last on my list again, and that has caused resentment in his heart. I never want him to feel like he is on the back burner. If I am to love him well, I need to give him my second fruits.

Lord, help me to walk this out! Keep refining me, keep schooling me, and help me to keep You at the center of everything.

Here is an excerpt of something CB sent me today that just confirms all of this:

UNVEILING THE BRIDE

The Blood Of Jesus Cleanses Our Conscience From Dead Works...

how much more will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from dead works so that we may serve the living God! Hebrews 9:14

Every Christian knows that the blood of Jesus cleanses from sin, but many live under a conscience that serves dead works. Our conscience says "I must do something" to live as a Christian: -to approach God, to receive from God, to hear from God, to experience gifts of God, to live free, etc. Our conscience puts our works between us and God.

But notice this passage says something unusual. The blood of Jesus cleanses our conscience from dead works. It is not just sin that is cleansed. This need to have something WE DO (dead works) between us and God (a veil) is cleansed. Only then are we really free to see the Lord and serve the living God!

But whenever a person turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. ".... As all of us reflect the glory of the Lord with unveiled faces, we are being transformed into the same image with ever-increasing glory by the Lord's Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:16, 18)

THE BRIDE OF CHRIST MUST REMOVE THE VEIL OF RELIGIOUS OBLIGATION

BEFORE SHE CAN BEHOLD THE BRIDEGROOM

THE VEIL OF RELIGIOUS OBLIGATION
A veil of religious obligation lies over the heart and conscience of most believers today. It does not belong there. This life of effort (making our own way to access grace) needs to be replaced by the life of rest. We need a revival that reveals the true state of our hearts and restores our first love.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Power, Process, and the Presence of God

So much has happened this weekend—mostly good things, as we reconnected with friends and family. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed talking about the Lord and pressing in to know Him better alongside fellow brothers and sisters.

Thursday’s group went really well. I shared some of the struggles Tom and I have been facing, and I was so encouraged by their responses. Tom has been wrestling again with the question of why we don’t see more power in our walk and ministry. So, I brought that up with the girls, and they were quick to respond with truth: they do see power in our ministry. They shared that they see lives being transformed, marriages being healed, and people being encouraged and restored. They reminded me that what we’re doing could only be accomplished by God’s power working through us. That really opened my eyes. We had been so focused on the absence of “signs and wonders” that we missed the quieter, but no less miraculous, evidence of God's hand—healing hearts and restoring relationships.

On Friday night, Tom and I went to Carrabba’s to celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary, since Saturday was going to be busy. We had a lovely evening out and came home early because we were both so tired.

Saturday was full. I had a walking meeting in the morning and then watched the kids for E and R so they could go visit a friend’s new baby, born just the day before—both mom and baby are doing well. Later, we joined A and C for the Kingdom Growth Guide. Attendance was small, but it allowed for deeper conversation. Tom and I were encouraged and once again reminded of our purpose and calling. That time helped to re-center us.

Lately, I’ve felt God repeatedly calling me to deeper prayer. I can’t shake the feeling that something’s missing in how I approach it. Sometimes I wonder if the way I was taught to pray—through systems and routines—has dulled the intimacy that God really desires. Have I made prayer more of a religious habit than a relational communion? I’m trusting Him to show me a better way, His way.

On Sunday, we attended the Acts Bible Study, and I was blown away again. D shared about the nature of the triune God—not as three separate persons we relate to independently, but as one God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in perfect unity. When we pray, it’s to all three… not separately, but together. That concept was so freeing and enlightening for me. It helped shift my perspective on how I relate to God. It's difficult to fully grasp, but once you get even a glimpse of that reality, it changes everything.

One woman there was suffering from shoulder pain from a recent car accident, and we were led to pray for her. BA did most of the praying aloud, but several of us laid hands on her and joined in faith. Afterward, she looked at me and said she sensed a strong healing gift on me—even though I wasn’t the one speaking! That surprised me, but it also affirmed something deeper stirring within me.

Later, CA felt led to gather a few of us for intercession. We prayed for husbands and marriages specifically, and she did some warfare for A. During that time, she said she saw a “warrior anointing” coming over me—whatever that means. We’ll be meeting every other Friday at her house to intercede before the Prophecy class. I’m hopeful and praying God will use that time to break strongholds in the spiritual realm in Jesus’ name.

One thing I shared with the group on Thursday night was that I sure hope God has an amazing plan in store for us, considering all we’ve gone through. But then I read Oswald Chambers’ devotional for today, and… well… it put me in my place:

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July 28 – God’s Purpose or Mine?
"Immediately Jesus made his disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to Bethsaida, while he dismissed the crowd." —Mark 6:45

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God's purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite.

What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God's purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me.

God’s purpose is for this very minute. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. It is the process, not the outcome, that glorifies God.

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Wow. There really isn’t some grand, long-term plan I need to figure out. The plan is now. God is after my moment-by-moment obedience, surrender, and love. He’s shaping and molding me to reflect Him more fully—to become the Bride of Christ, unified in spirit with His body.

Whatever happens here is secondary. The shaping, the refining, and the daily surrender are the point. Lord, help me to hang onto this truth. Help me to see You walking on the water in the middle of my storms and trust that You are enough. Mold me for Your purposes, not mine.

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Insert – 2022, Linda:
Speaking of the “Bride of Christ,” I’ve since had a new understanding of what that really means. I wrote about it in my Journey to Know God blog here:
👉 Come, I Will Show You the Bride, the Wife of the Lamb