Today was another interesting day. I’m not sure how to describe how I’m feeling—just contemplative, a little vulnerable, and more emotional than usual.
Tom hasn’t been doing well. He’s not sleeping much, and this morning, he opened up about where he is spiritually and emotionally. In a way, he’s coming to the same realization I did a few days ago—the gap between what we say we’re willing to give up and what we’re actually ready to let go of. He knows, deep down, that he doesn’t want to lose everything. He likes his comfort. He doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. And perhaps most humbling of all, he’s realizing that his heart for the lost isn’t like the disciples’—not yet.
We talked about Peter stepping out of the boat, about what it must have felt like in that moment when faith took over and he walked on water. I imagined it—a switch in his mind flipping, cutting off every other thought except Jesus is there, and I am going to Him. No fear of the storm, no hesitation. Just pure, reckless abandon. I think I caught a glimpse of what that switch would feel like in my own heart…
Tom wants that. He wants that switch to flip in his own mind. But the way he sees it is different. He related it to battle, to war—how, in the heat of the fight, men suddenly realize it’s life or death. The switch flips when they see their comrades falling around them, when survival instinct takes over, when they understand they have no choice but to fight.
Then he said something that hit me hard:
"I don’t see anyone around me going down… No one else is doing what we are doing."
His words stayed with me the rest of the day. I’ve felt emotional, on the verge of tears, but I can’t quite put my finger on why. I was so exhausted that I had to lie down for a nap, but even then, I couldn’t tell you what drained me.
We had lunch with B and C today—the leaders of the Acts Bible Study. It was really nice. We shared the “Reader’s Digest” version of our story, and they shared some of theirs. They understood our struggle, the constant wondering: Are we crazy? Is this really God, or are we off track? The tension of knowing we are “bucking the norm” while also asking God daily to correct us if we’re wrong.
Afterward, we had a wonderful time of worship and prayer. Sitting in the presence of the Lord, letting His peace wash over me, was exactly what my soul needed.
Yesterday, I went to the Acts Bible Study (Tom wasn’t feeling well). A and C were there, and we prayed for their son, P (A&C's special needs son). NL felt especially led to pray for him, but when he stood up, he just started weeping. He couldn’t get any words out. So we all prayed in tongues, interceding for P. Then, one of the women gave a word in tongues about the Holy Spirit—how much He desires for us to walk in the power He has given us, and yet how little we actually take hold of it.
We could feel the heart of God in that moment, pleading with us to grasp the authority and power we have in Him, to walk in it fully.
Lord, I want that.
Teach me. Fill me. Use me. Heal me.
Flip the switch.
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