This week has been a rollercoaster.
On Wednesday, as I looked at my calendar and started making plans, I realized just how soon February 15th was. Only a week away. And with SS’s financing decision coming on the 8th, the stress started creeping in. If the financing goes through, that means we’ll have just a week to pack and move. But then—why does God keep telling us to wait? If everything is already decided, why does He continue to press pause instead of giving us something to do?
That tension—between trusting and needing a plan—felt heavy.
That afternoon, we met with a woman from With Love from Jesus, and we had a great conversation, sharing our stories. She said she didn’t have any red flags about our situation, but she reminded us that we can’t have expectations about how God will move. He will do His thing, but it may not look the way we think. And even if we’re wrong, He is the Great Redeemer. He will work it all out for His glory.
After we left, we picked up W from school, and the evening felt off. Maybe it was his mood—or maybe it was mine. When we dropped him off later, I opened up to Tom about my anxiety. I told him how I had been feeling all day, how overwhelmed I was by the looming dates and the uncertainty of it all. He listened, then told me he had an emergency plan—my 401k from Cogenics. If we needed to, we could cash it out, buy ourselves some time, and give ourselves some breathing room.
The moment he said it, I felt an enormous relief.
Then, almost immediately, I felt ashamed.
Why was my relief coming from knowing we had our own backup plan instead of trusting that God had one? Why did I feel peace when we had a way out—but not when I was trusting Him alone? Lord, why??
Maybe it’s because we don’t know what His plan is. Some moments, I feel like we’re not done here yet, like we still need to minister to our neighbors. Other moments, I know deep down this house is temporary, that we were never meant to stay here long-term. It’s like we are constantly standing at a fork in the road—do we take action, or do we trust Him? Do we get a job, or do we trust Him? Do we sell the house, or do we trust Him?
And yet, He knows our weakness. He has already accounted for it.
That night, after Tom went to bed, I stayed up doing a word search puzzle, thinking and praying. As I searched for words, I realized something—when I zoom in too close, when I focus on only a small part of the page, it’s so much harder to find what I’m looking for. But when I step back and take in the whole picture, the words become clear.
Pay attention to this, Linda, the Holy Spirit whispered. There’s a lesson here.
I paused.
I had been staring so intently at this week, at these decisions, at this moment of waiting, that I wasn’t seeing the whole picture. But when I pulled back—when I looked at everything God had done over these last nine months—I saw His faithfulness woven through every single moment.
I thought about the Israelites in the Old Testament, how desperately God wanted them to rely on Him alone for everything they needed. But they kept asking for a king, for a leader, for something tangible to trust instead. Over and over, it broke His heart.
And yet, here I am—doing the same thing.
I say I want to trust Him completely, but when the pressure builds, I instinctively reach for something I can control. Even though I know better. Even though I’ve seen His faithfulness.
So, I stepped back. I looked at the whole picture. And when I did, peace began to settle in again. Not because I had all the answers, but because I don’t need to have the answers.
Yesterday, I worked while Tom read to me. I spent the rest of the day in prayer, in quiet time, and listening to the Bible on CD. The pastor called and set up a meeting with us next Wednesday to go over our situation. That should be interesting.
And today?
Today, I finished work at Cogenics. We wrapped up billing quickly, and unless they need me for anything else—I’m done. Part of me feels a deep relief, but another part of me wants to hold on. Thankfully, that second part is much smaller than it used to be.
This morning, a friend sent us this devotional:
"This Thing is From Me"
"This thing is from Me." (1 Kings 12:24)
"Life’s disappointments are veiled love’s appointments." – Rev. C. A. Fox
"My child, I have a message for you today; let me whisper it in your ear, that it may gild with glory any storm clouds which may arise, and smooth the rough places upon which you may have to tread. It is short, only five words, but let them sink into your inmost soul; use them as a pillow upon which to rest your weary head. This thing is from Me…"
A simple but powerful reminder.
No matter how uncertain things feel, no matter how much I wrestle with trust, no matter how often I need to step back and refocus—He is still sovereign.
And this thing?
This thing is from Him.
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