Yesterday was one of the hardest days yet.
When I look through my spiritual eyes, I can see God at work. He has made Himself known in so many ways. But yesterday, I wasn’t looking through spiritual eyes—I was looking through human ones. And what I saw scared me.
I felt like we had really messed up and were in big trouble. I felt defeated, depressed. What was I even thinking? How did I ever believe I could do what I felt God called me to do?
For a moment, I wanted to go back—to something familiar, something safe. Maybe I should just go back to waiting tables and forget all about believing and trusting in the Lord. After all, He hadn’t done anything up to this point, so why should I expect Him to suddenly come in and rescue us now? My faith and hope felt misguided, misplaced—like I had been silly to believe.
I was just exhausted. And PMSing. So, overall, last night was rough.
On our way home from dinner with friends, I tried to process everything. I knew, deep down, I was being attacked spiritually—full force. And knowing that, I determined to fight back. I put on my armor and started repeating Beth Moore’s Believing God mantra:
God is who He says He is.
God can do what He says He can do.
I am who God says I am.
I can do all things through Christ.
God’s Word is alive and active in me.
I’m believing God.
And when I wasn’t repeating that, I prayed for the women I had met with earlier that day. I refused to let my thoughts be consumed by fear and doubt. Instead, I turned them to prayer and praise.
That night, I had two dreams.
In the first one, I was in a public bathroom, counting a large stack of money that wasn’t mine. My sister walked in. Knowing her struggles, I immediately told her to stay away from the money. She acted like she had no intention of taking anything, but then—just as I expected—she reached out, grabbed a bill, and started walking away.
I grabbed her arm. “I know you took something—give it back.”
She resisted but eventually handed over a single dollar bill.
“I know you took more than that,” I said. “Give it all back.”
She reluctantly did, but as soon as she left, a group of her friends poured into the bathroom and started taking more money. No matter what I said or did, they ignored me and kept grabbing what they wanted. It was frustrating and helpless.
Then, in the second dream, I was hiding in another bathroom—playing a game of hide and seek. I perched on a booster-like seat, facing the wall, thinking that if I couldn’t see them, they couldn’t see me.
I heard people enter, and I prayed they wouldn’t check my stall. But soon, I realized they weren’t looking for me—they had their own agenda.
I turned around and saw a woman leaning on my stall door, watching me with no concern. Then, I noticed that a woman I knew from work was in the next stall, trying to abort her baby, and all the other women were there to help her do it.
I begged and pleaded with her to stop, but she was determined.
I woke up crying.
Lying there in bed, the word control came to mind.
That was it.
Both of my dreams had the same theme—I felt completely and totally out of control.
I had no say over what was happening.
I couldn’t stop it.
I couldn’t fix it.
So I prayed, Lord, forgive me for trying to take control again. Give me the strength to fully surrender and trust You.
And as I did, the weight I had been carrying lifted.
This morning, I woke up feeling lighter.
Then, I got an email from CB. She told me that as she was praying for me, the Lord led her to a website with these scriptures:
Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.” – Exodus 14:13-14
"Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God’s... You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you... Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you.” – 2 Chronicles 20:14-17
"Know that the LORD has set apart the godly for himself; the LORD will hear when I call to him. In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent... Offer right sacrifices and trust in the LORD." – Psalms 4:3-5
"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." – Psalms 46:10-11
When I read those verses, I started crying.
The first verse? That’s the exact one I had been holding onto.
The second? That’s the verse I was reading when we got the call about the house.
Then, CB sent me K-LOVE’s Encouraging Word for the Day:
"Those who listen to instruction will prosper; those who trust the LORD will be joyful." – Proverbs 16:20
And just like that, God spoke directly to my heart.
Even in my doubt.
Even in my fear.
Even when I was tempted to give up.
He was still there.
He was still speaking.
He was still faithful.
Tom and I read something from Oswald Chambers the other day that struck us deeply. I couldn’t find the exact wording again, but the message was clear:
"Unless you are completely and wholly relying on God for everything in your life, you will never truly know when He is gone"
And that’s exactly what I needed to hear.
I don’t have to be in control.
I don’t have to have all the answers.
I just need to surrender.
To be still.
To trust.
And to believe that God is who He says He is.
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