After I wrote my last entry, I kept thinking more and more about how we as Christians should look different from the world—and what that could possibly look like. If Tom and I were walking with the Lord the way we truly desire to, how different would our lives appear? Or better yet, if the disciples were here and showed up at our family reunion, what would that look like? I want to be in a place where I hear the Father’s voice above every other voice… where I’m so intimate with my Lord that nothing else—flesh or world—can distract me from His purposes in and through me. I don’t think I have the answer to that yet, but I’m still seeking His face.
Speaking of that, I had another “humbling” and “healing” moment last Friday. As I’ve shared before, I’ve struggled with being judgmental and critical—mostly toward my husband, but I’ve seen it spill into other areas too. Every time it happens, it offends me. I get frustrated with myself and angry that it’s still part of my life. I pray about it and repent often, but I just haven’t been able to shake it.
Then last Friday morning, one of the girls from my group called and asked if I was alone and had a minute. When she started with, “Linda, you know I love you very much…,” I knew something was coming. She went on to say that after we left her house the night before, she walked back into the room and was struck by something she sensed. After praying, she felt the Lord showed her it was a spirit of judgment. She’d been praying for me all morning and felt she had a word from the Lord: that I had been tormented by this for many years, trying to break free, and that He wanted to deliver me from that bondage that very morning.
I felt convicted, embarrassed, excited, and overwhelmed all at once—but mostly, I just wanted to be free. So she prayed with me and had me repeat after her. I believe I was freed from the spirit of judgment and criticism! Hallelujah! I sobbed through the whole prayer, and the Lord spoke directly to prayers I had prayed that same morning.
I had been reading Matthew 20:29–34:
“As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. Lord, they answered, "we want our sight."
When Jesus asked, “What do you want me to do for you?” I prayed, “Lord, have mercy on me and heal my eyes!” The next verse struck me deeply;
"Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him." Matthew 20:24
Jesus had compassion on them even though He knew these men would fall, fail, and make mistakes down the road. Yet He still healed them. I prayed for that same compassion… that I would see people through His eyes, with His unconditional love, without judgment or criticism.
When the girl prayed for me, she specifically prayed that I would see people through the eyes of Jesus. To me, that was His signature—His reassurance that He heard my prayer that morning.
Another layer to this was the “rope” dream. I had prayed again about sending it to JB and even started laying out a little “fleece” before catching myself. After my time of prayer and deliverance, the Lord brought the dream to mind again and showed me that the rope represented the spirit of judgment—that it had been pursuing and tormenting me, but the left hand of spiritual strength had defeated it. It made perfect sense. One of the things the girl prayed was that I’ve already had a wonderful ministry for the Lord, but now I would be much more effective for His Kingdom. I felt compelled to pray my Daniel study memory verses (Daniel 2:20–23), personalizing them—and they couldn’t have been more fitting.
“Praise be to the name of God forever and ever; wisdom and Power are His. He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in the darkness and light dwells with Him. I praise and thank you, O God of my Fathers for you have given me wisdom and power and have made known to me the meaning of my dream!!”
Another praise report: Tom and I met with the pastors at Cross Pointe yesterday. Many people had been praying for us to discern whether we should walk through that door, and I believe those prayers were answered. We had discussed potential “red flags” beforehand, but none of those appeared. These pastors have the same passion and concern for marriages that we do, and they’re seeking resources for those struggling with pornography. We really liked them, and their hearts, and we’re excited to see what God has in store.
Father, may we never take the reins ourselves—may we let You lead every step.
I’m continuing to do well with submitting things to Tom. He asked me about it yesterday since the subject keeps coming up, and I told him I feel a wonderful sense of freedom. I hadn’t realized how much I had stepped back into controlling tendencies until now, when I’ve been intentionally stepping back and letting him lead. It feels like dancing—when the woman tries to lead, it’s awkward and toes get stepped on. But when she allows the man to lead, the dance becomes smooth and beautiful. It struck me that sometimes, if a man gets tired of the woman always leading, he might even sit out and let her dance alone, or with someone else… Or even look for another dance partner himself!
I asked Tom how he felt, and he said he feels really good. He said that when I stepped back into proper alignment, he felt like he could hear from God better and felt more confident in the decisions he’s made. I know it builds him up as the spiritual leader and man of God. I hate that I stepped backward into old patterns, but I’m grateful God corrected me again.
Lord, give me strength, courage, and discernment to not go back there again. Thank You for Your love and faithfulness.
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