I’ve waited too long to write again, and so much has happened that I hope I can capture it all!
As an update on my “choices,” I’m doing well with maintaining the ones I wrote about earlier. I’ve been waking up between 6:30 and 7:30 every morning—without an alarm clock—and I’ve been amazed at how much I can accomplish and how much peace I feel throughout the day.
I’ve also kept my commitment to abstain from desserts, although I’ve definitely had some internal battles. Yesterday I had to confront the “fight” in me over this and realized something important: I needed to shift from “I have to abstain” to “I want to abstain.” When the raw food fast ended, I rushed straight into the things I had been craving. But the truth is, the Lord is reshaping my desires—this isn’t “for a season” but a lifelong shift. As awkward and embarrassing as this struggle is, I believe the Lord is using it to help me identify with other “addicts.” I know what it feels like to be consumed by something... and I also know what victory feels like through the strength of Christ.
As for treating Tom with respect, by God’s grace, that’s been going well too. I keep reminding myself that it’s God’s job to change him, not mine—and God does a far better job of that than I do! Things have been much better between us, and we continue to grow closer every day.
The evening after my last entry, our air mattress deflated again. We didn’t have the money to replace it, and since TB is still happy having us here—and since air mattresses apparently weren’t designed for long-term living!—we went searching for something more permanent. We pulled a twin air mattress from storage for Tom and I slept on a pile of blankets while we waited for the Lord to provide.
We didn’t have to wait long.
That weekend, our housing development held a community yard sale. TB and his daughter went out hunting for good deals, and we asked him to keep an eye out for a mattress. A few days before, I told him our budget was $25, but what he didn’t know was that I had spent $10 of it on groceries… leaving only $15. When he found a mattress, he told the lady that his friends were local missionaries who needed one and had $25. She responded, “They can have it for $15!” Praise the Lord! It was a twin mattress and box spring, and we’re now using it beside our twin air mattress. It’s working out surprisingly well.
Since helping CB deliver food, I’ve been praying about expanding the ministry in our own community. Many families have been laid off and are struggling financially, so I thought we could bless them with free food. Then CB called and said a local Food Lion was available for pick-up and asked if I wanted to take a day or two. I told her I’d pray and talk to Tom.
As I prayed, I sensed the Lord telling me something very specific: to stop doing ministry on my own and to align myself under Tom’s spiritual leadership. If Tom didn’t feel led to do it, I wasn’t to take it on either. This was a real test for me.
Tom prayed for a couple of days and didn’t feel led to do it, so he emailed CB to let her know. In the past, I would have become irritated, judged him as uncaring, and possibly done it without him. But this time I trusted his ability to hear from God and supported his decision. It felt right—and it helped align my heart in a deeper, healthier way.
A couple of days later, I got a call from a pastor who leads a men’s sexual addiction support group. He had heard about the women’s support ministry I do and asked if he could refer someone to me. Then that evening, our friend and therapist emailed asking if we’d be interested in helping her church set up an addiction recovery program. She had recommended us. Wow. How cool is that? I wonder if the Lord told us “no” to the food delivery so we’d be free for this. We meet with the pastor on June 1st to learn more. It’s not a done deal yet, so we’re praying for the Lord’s leading.
As for my eye, my last appointment was canceled. My caseworker with Services for the Blind changed jobs, and after reviewing my case, they decided I didn’t qualify and recommended another program. The woman at the Eye Care Center was also new and unaware of our previous arrangement, so she suggested I reschedule after applying for the new program. I still have enough drops for a month, so I’m praying about whether to apply. So far, I don’t feel led. Once again, I’m trusting the Lord to guide me.
This past Tuesday night we were at LJ’s house honoring the one-year anniversary of P’s death. I can’t believe it’s been a year. In that time, LJ also lost her mother and one of her cats. She’s had such a difficult year, but by God’s grace she’s hanging on—continuing to seek the Lord for strength and sanity. As we talked, it became clear that all of us have been challenged, stretched, broken, and refined this year for His purposes and His glory.
Right now, I’m on a plane on my way to California! (By the time I post this, I’ll already be there.) God’s faithfulness amazes me. We bought the tickets with our federal tax return but didn’t receive our state return until last Friday. Tom and I both believe God kept it until now so we would have money for the trip. If we had gotten it earlier, we probably would have spent it. On top of that, G and F blessed us with some extra spending money too. God is so cool!
I’m continuing to enjoy the Daniel study. Yesterday’s lesson focused on feeling important or special when we’re noticed by people in authority. Nebuchadnezzar commanded only his officials—the “important” people—to worship his image. Beth asked whether we’ve ever felt more significant when someone in authority acknowledges us. Oh yes… guilty as charged! Even the email about helping with the addiction recovery program boosted my ego. It made me pause… We turned down serving the community with food but jumped at the chance to help with a “program”? Father, let us do ministry for You, not for our egos. You call us to humble ourselves, and You will lift us up. Whoever wants to be great must be the servant of all.
Yesterday would have been my day to help CB with food delivery, but she had to move the time from 12:30 to 9 a.m. I told her I’d let her know in the morning. As I prayed, I felt no peace—not just for that day, but for the ministry as a whole. So I told her I didn’t think the Father was asking me to do it. She received it graciously and even said she had sensed it before I did.
She mentioned that the last couple of times she saw me, she didn’t see the “joy” in my eyes and wondered if I was tired. I thought about it and said maybe it was all the “humbling” the Lord has been doing in me. She suggested I watch Beth Moore’s program that morning on “Happy Blessings.” She called back later and said that as she prayed, the word “defeated” came to her about what she saw in my eyes.
“Defeated??” That word threw me and even brought tears. I’m not sure what emotion it stirred, but my prayer is that it’s only my flesh being defeated—not my spirit. Father, may my heart, mind, body, and soul be fully submitted to You. If there is any defeat in me, let it be only the defeat of the flesh, and not the work of the enemy. Lead me in Your will alone. Amen.
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