Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Cost of being Recklessly Abandoned

I haven’t felt led to write for a while. Life has been plodding along, and I’ve been doing—and struggling with—the same things. Until recently, I just haven’t felt “inspired.”

I’m still cooking for G and F, and I absolutely love it. They are such sweet ladies, and my heart swells with joy when I’m with them. I can’t believe it’s almost been a year since I started working for them last August—time really does fly when you’re having fun! Yesterday we took an outing, and F finally let me wheel her around the store. Walking takes so much out of her, and I’ve been asking her to let me help. She finally said yes, and we had a great time. I think she really enjoyed it.

I’m still helping Marteen, too. She has me doing all sorts of things for her, but at the core, we simply enjoy being together. She really needs companionship, care, and the presence of someone who genuinely wants to be with her. She is so silly, and we laugh a lot.

I’m still waking up earlier than I used to. I don’t get up at 6:30 anymore, but I’m usually awake by 7:30 without an alarm—which is what my alarm used to be set for anyway. I still feel the pull of my old pattern of sleeping in, but the Holy Spirit reminds me of my commitment, and I’m able to get up. DOWN FLESH, DOWN!

I’m also still praying in tongues out loud while driving. It’s become second nature now. Sometimes I feel like real work is being done in the spirit realm, and other times I wonder if it’s doing anything at all… but I’ll keep doing it until the Lord says otherwise.

We’re still staying at E’s house and caring for her home, garden, and animals. I’m almost done with the last project—sanding and painting the kitchen island—and the garden is producing beans, peppers, zucchini, tomatoes, basil, sage, thyme, and lots of wildflowers. The corn was growing too… until the squirrels demolished it. Oh well—I hope they enjoyed it! We’ve loved being here. E and R are coming back in early August, and they’ve had such a great time in Colorado and California they might not want to come home, lol!

We’re in the last two weeks of the Daniel study, and I’m still fasting from desserts. It’s easier in some ways and harder in others. As the fast comes to an end, I’m thinking more about everything I can eat afterward—boy, I probably have a real problem. Part of me wants to make this a lifelong fast just so I can be better off and maybe even happier! I hate how easily I indulge my flesh in these things. It’s not that I can’t enjoy good things, but moderation is definitely a challenge for me.

On the upside, the study has been awesome. I’m learning so much about God, our history, and prophecy. I will never read Daniel the same again. My Bible is covered in markings, highlights, and notes—so much great stuff!

I still have this burning desire to “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deut. 6:5), but I honestly have no idea what that looks like considering how much I still struggle with my flesh.

Last night in our Daniel study we talked about doing what God has called and created us to do. Some of the girls asked, “How do you know if you’re doing what He called you to do?” I mentioned that Scripture helps us—but it asks us to do really hard things. It’s much easier to go about our business than obey Him wholeheartedly. When they asked, “Like what?” I brought up the disciples leaving everything to follow Jesus. I mentioned Matthew 6:33, “Seek first the Kingdom of heaven…” Then Luke 14:26 came to mind: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother… yes, even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” And of course the Deuteronomy verse calling us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and strength. These are hard things.

It’s those words—everything, first, hate his own life, all—that shake us to our core. Jesus didn’t say, “Follow me when it’s convenient,” or “Love me with whatever is left over.” His call is total.

Right after this conversation, the video started, and Beth Moore immediately began talking about Antiochus IV Epiphanes ceasing the daily sacrifice—and how that parallels the state of our hearts. She brought up 2 Timothy 3:2–5:

“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God-- having a form of godliness but denying its power.”

She said all those attitudes stem from selfishness, which keeps us from becoming “living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God” (Romans 12:1). Selfishness versus sacrifice. And how it keeps us from living out God’s calling.

I looked around at the ladies and said, “Was Beth in the room with us?!” It was a direct answer to our questions. Thank you, Jesus, for answering us so personally.

Another phrase that has come up is being “recklessly abandoned” to Christ. Tom and I finished reading The Naked Church by Wayne Jacobsen and were blown away. He also wrote So You Don’t Want to Go to Church Anymore, which I read about a year and a half ago, so we’re reading it again. These books speak truth with love and humility.

Wayne mentioned the phrase “recklessly abandoned,” and it ties right into everything I’m wrestling with. What does that look like in real life? I love Beth Moore, and I’m learning a ton from her, but I don’t think she shows us what this specifically looks like. The only clear examples are in Scripture—John the Baptist living in the wilderness, eating locusts and honey, wearing strange clothes, and being beheaded for his faith. The disciples leaving jobs, family, and reputation, then being martyred. Jesus Himself saying, “The Son of Man has no place to lay His head...” (Matt. 8:20).

These are our examples. Lord, how do I get there?

A friend shared a teaching that really struck me. The teacher talked about musicians and how people “worship” them—not the ones who buy the music or go to concerts, but the ones who imitate them. He used Michael Jackson as an example: the people who dress like him, wear the glove, copy the hair and style—those are the ones who worship him.

So what does that mean for us as Christians? Who do we look like? Who do we imitate? Honestly, sometimes you can’t tell the difference between Christians and non-Christians. Are we trying to look like the world so we don’t stand out? Or are we worshiping the world more than Christ? If we truly worshiped Him, wouldn’t we want to look like Him? OUCH.

Lord, make me more like You and less like the world.

Lastly, I think “prayer requests” are from Satan and the pit of hell. I realized this last night after we spent our whole prayer time discussing prayer requests and never actually prayed. After such a powerful night of God answering our questions so directly, I felt the Holy Spirit prompting us to pray right then. But I was asked to wait until everyone shared their requests. We ran out of time, and prayer never happened. I left frustrated and feeling robbed of that moment for God to solidify His message to our hearts.

It reminded me of how often this happens in Christian groups. I’m now convinced that formal “prayer requests” should be avoided. Instead, let each person pray what God has put on their heart and let the rest of us agree in prayer. Okay… stepping off my soapbox now.

“O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God, who keeps His covenant of love with those who love Him and obey His commands, let Your ear be attentive and Your eyes open to hear the prayer Your servant is praying before You day and night for Your servants—the Body of Christ. I confess the sins we, including myself and my household, have committed against You. We have acted wickedly toward You. We have not obeyed the instructions in Your Word. We are Your servants and Your people, whom You redeemed by the blood of Your Son and Your mighty hand. O Lord, let Your ear be attentive to the prayer of Your servant and to the prayers of Your servants who delight in revering Your name. Help us to be ‘recklessly abandoned’ in our service and worship of You. In Jesus’ name, amen.”
(Adapted from the prayer of Nehemiah.)