During my “Daniel” study time yesterday morning, I found myself staring out the window, pondering the current state of my life and emotions. This season has been VERY difficult for me mentally and emotionally. As I thought about earlier times—when everything seemed lighter—I wondered why. It felt as though, during those easier moments, God Himself was holding, shielding, and giving me everything I needed to get through each day. I seemed to sail along, happy as a lark, no matter what was happening around me. But now, it feels like I’m “on my own.” Not that God has left me—not at all. I know He is close, right beside me, encouraging me through this time. But He’s no longer holding and shielding me in the same way. Instead, it feels like He has set me down and is allowing me to “take the hits” so I can grow and mature in my walk with Him.
This reminds me of my favorite Scripture, James 1:2–4:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Oswald Chambers added some good insight today. Here’s an excerpt:
“Sorrow removes a great deal of a person's shallowness, but it does not always make that person better. Suffering either gives me to myself or it destroys me. You cannot find or receive yourself through success, because you lose your head over pride. And you cannot receive yourself through the monotony of your daily life, because you give in to complaining. The only way to find yourself is in the fires of sorrow…”
Lately, I’ve had the worst “battle of the mind.” So many thoughts have come against me, and I’ve unfortunately lost many of those battles. The “people pleaser” in me agonizes over my failures because I so desperately want to please God in all areas of my life. I know what I should be doing and thinking, but my emotions, feelings, and circumstances have been influencing me more than what I know to be true. This is when Paul’s words in Romans 7:15 and 24 ring loudly in my heart:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do...” Aaarrrgggghhhh “What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?”
But the Lord has been so near. Recently, during a really hard moment, I prayed with everything in me, “Lord, I need You right now in a very BIG way.” Immediately the Holy Spirit spoke: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood…” (Ephesians 6:12). That was all He had to say. I finished the rest of the Scripture myself, and it set me straight again and refocused my prayers.
Tom and I are house- and pet-sitting for E right now. We’re living between two homes and tag-teaming who stays where, making sure everything is covered. Logistically it has been interesting—keeping food, clothes, and what each of us needs in the right place—but it certainly makes life more lively. E and the kids left for Colorado on June 5th and will return the first week of August, so we should have this rhythm down by then. On their first day there, a tornado touched down just a few blocks from where they were staying—quite the “welcome”! But thankfully everyone was safe. Thank you, Jesus.
The latest update on my eye situation: I received a certified letter from my eye doctor on Saturday, June 20th, informing me that they would no longer be responsible for my care and that I needed to find someone else. I was stunned. Apparently they considered me “noncompliant,” maybe because I didn’t apply for the program they referred me to? I don’t really know. It all happened so suddenly, without warning, that I can only assume God’s hand is in it somehow. Thankfully, they did agree to send a new prescription so I can at least get my eye drops while I wait for God to show me the next step.
Also, Tom was asked to step down from doing the bookkeeping for a missions ministry he has volunteered with for two years. The pastor said something about “overseers” not being involved in the books, but Tom isn’t an overseer and has nothing to do with ministry decisions—he just does the bookkeeping. So he’ll be returning everything to the ministry leader this week. I’m not sure what that was all about either. It really makes me wonder what God is doing. I feel like we are being “disconnected” from so many things. Attachments are being severed. What is God up to?
Through several conversations and the things God has been showing me, I’ve felt compelled to pray and sing in the Spirit more frequently and more boldly. With all the time I’m spending in the car, I’ve been doing it almost the entire time I’m driving, and more throughout the day. It has changed my perspective and attitude… I feel more peace and calm, and I can see God working in more ways than before. My prayers seem to be answered right before my eyes. It has been very cool, so I’ll keep doing this until God directs me otherwise.
Lord, may Your will be done, not ours. My prayer is that You keep us on Your path, in Your will—not our own.
“I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace.” (Acts 20:24)
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