Saturday, May 23, 2009

Held by His Provision, Placed by His Design

We are back from our vacation in California, and we had a very good time. It is always so nice to visit the family. I have to admit, though, that I struggled with wanting to go and honestly didn’t want to. I’m not even sure why. Part of me was hoping we wouldn’t have the money so the trip wouldn’t happen — but God made sure I went. And by the time it was over, I knew without a doubt that I was supposed to be there.

The first night of the reunion, Tom’s youngest brother played DVDs of the last two reunions that he had set to music. As I watched the photos, I was unexpectedly impacted. It felt like the Lord was showing me what a great family I had been “grafted” into — by His design — just like being grafted into the family of God. That my place in this family was not an accident or a mistake. I realized I needed to appreciate them more and actually allow myself to feel like part of the family.

It brought tears to my eyes. I have been in this family for 30 years, and it’s about time I actually felt like I belonged. For reasons I don’t fully understand, I’ve always kept them at emotional arm’s length and referred to them as “Tom’s family,” even though they have done nothing but accept, love, and welcome me with open arms. Thank You, Lord, for this loving “kick in the butt” and the reminder of the gift You’ve given me. And Lord, please show me whatever is keeping me from emotionally connecting with Tom’s family.

I also knew I was supposed to be there because of what happened at the reunion. Tom’s cousin’s husband shared some difficult news. He was diagnosed with lung cancer that had already overtaken his right lung and begun moving into his left. The X-rays were so bad he wouldn’t let his wife see them. The prognosis and treatment plan weren’t encouraging. Years ago, he survived kidney cancer but now has only one kidney left. The new treatment (IL2) is harder on the body than chemo, and there’s a risk of renal failure. The success rate is low — only 10–20%. Without treatment he has six months; with treatment, if it doesn’t work, maybe a year and a half. If it does work, he would be cancer-free.

Tom’s oldest sister, her husband, Tom, and I all felt strongly that we needed to lay hands on him and pray. His cousin announced it to the family, inviting anyone who wanted to join. It turned into a beautiful time of prayer. Tom said he had never seen his family pray together like that before (they are mostly Catholic). He was so choked up he couldn’t even pray.

In the end, I think the prayer was more for the family than it was for his cousin’s husband. He and his wife are born again (he’s going through seminary to become a Lutheran minister), and although the situation was difficult, he had a supernatural peace that clearly came from the Lord. He was even encouraging other family members who were struggling more than he was. After that moment, I knew I was meant to be there — even if just for them.

I also got to see my childhood friend SH and her husband — I hadn’t seen her in over 17 years, not since before we moved to NC. It was so good to reconnect, even though I couldn’t spend the quality time I wanted because family “games” were happening at the same time. I hope for a chance to catch up more deeply one day.

The last night in California we experienced a 4.7 earthquake while playing cards at P and N’s house! Nothing broke, but the house shook pretty hard. Honestly, it was kind of fun.

The Daniel study is still going well. One of the lessons asked if we’d ever had a dream, like Nebuchadnezzar, that woke us up with a start. Immediately, I remembered the “rope” dream. When I shared it with the group, CB’s son overheard and shared some thoughts. I can’t remember everything he said, but it made me wonder if I should send the dream to JB again. I’m still praying about it. Part of me wonders if it’s too late — if the dream was meant for that time and the window of significance has passed. I will keep waiting on the Lord.

We’ve had some schedule changes too. We’ve been going to our friends’ house on Friday nights with N & TL, but I’ve been feeling “done” with that gathering for a while. I shared it with Tom and he felt the same, but we haven't made it official. I felt the Lord nudging me to put this in Tom’s hands — that I should continue going until he felt led to make the announcement. He said he was going to speak up at the last meeting, but he didn’t. The old me would have gotten frustrated and announced it myself. But this time, I felt strongly that I needed to let Tom lead, to not step out of alignment spiritually again, and to trust God in the timing.

While we were in California, Raleigh Eye Center called to schedule another appointment. I told them I hadn’t applied for the new program yet. That got me praying again — and of course, Tom’s parents had their input. I still didn’t feel like I had a clear word from the Lord, so I told Tom that I would trust him and do whatever he felt was right. He had been praying and said he felt I should not apply to the program and instead wait on the Lord’s provision. So that’s what I’m going to do. We were given $100 a few months ago specifically for my eye appointments, so I’ll schedule with that and trust God for the next provision.

Speaking of provision — God did the coolest things for us financially during this time. Not that He doesn’t always provide, but this time felt different… or maybe I just noticed it differently.

We received our state tax return right before our trip — perfect timing — so we were able to bless others. We took Tom’s parents out for Mother’s Day, bought little A’s birthday gift, got W and M some fun “California” tank tops, and took some friends out to lunch. The restaurant only took cash, so we had to use some of what we planned for reunion expenses, hoping it would still be enough.

Then at the reunion, my team won the family games and my share was $35 — exactly what we needed to cover the remaining expenses. We even had $2.50 left over! And right as we were leaving to return home, Tom’s parents gave us $100 — which was perfect timing because we literally had nothing left for food, gas, or groceries once we got back.

Then I got $60 from Marteen for groceries, so Tom used some of the $100 to bless a guy he met with at his Wednesday meeting. After getting gas, we had $7 in our account to start the weekend of watching E’s kids. When we arrived at her house, I found a card from a friend who felt led by the Lord to give us… $60.

God truly provided at every turn. We give, and He replaces. He is so faithful.

I remember walking out of the restaurant in California, feeling a little stressed after paying for lunch. Right then, I chose to trust. I said out loud, “God, I am so glad You are such a good and faithful provider. I choose to trust You and not to worry.”

He is good — all the time.