Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Faith Over Finances, Trust Over Tradition

Today, I got a chance to power walk—and I had forgotten how much I pray during that time! I spent the walk lifting up friends, family, and whatever else God placed on my heart. I also started listening to the Bible again, beginning from Genesis, and it’s been amazing! It refreshes my soul in such a deep way.

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Last night, I had dinner with some good friends from my Outback days. I was exhausted and didn’t really have the energy to talk about my life again, but God naturally steered the conversation in that direction. Since I had sent them my journal beforehand to catch them up, they already had an idea of what’s been going on.

One of them expressed concern, saying that not paying our bills didn’t seem right and wasn’t in line with God’s word. I told her I understood—I had wrestled with that same struggle at the beginning. I had cried out to God, “This isn’t right! My credit is ruined!” But then He asked me, “Are you going to make your credit your god, or will you choose Me?”

Of course, I had to choose Him and let my credit go.

Every day, we pray, “Lord, please show us if we’re off track.” He speaks to us daily, so I know the lines of communication are open. If we’re headed in the wrong direction, I trust He will make it abundantly clear. So far, He hasn’t. Instead, we keep hearing the same thing: “Yes, you can take control, or you can trust Me.”

God is always giving us a choice. At any moment, we could decide to sell the house, have Tom get a job, start looking into financial programs, and try to fix everything ourselves. Or—we can keep trusting Him.

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We also talked about times in the Bible when God asked people to do things that didn’t seem right—whether by tradition, logic, or natural reasoning. My other friend brought up Abraham and Isaac. By all accounts, asking Abraham to sacrifice his son wasn’t right, but God was testing Abraham’s trust. In the end, He didn’t let Isaac die—He provided the sacrifice Himself.

I know He will do the same for us.

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Right now, I feel like I’m running on less than fumes. I could curl up and fall asleep in an instant. My job is draining so much energy out of me, and for what? The work is never caught up. Every day is a constant struggle just to make it through without stressing. I need to learn how to release this burden and let it go.

Lord, help me!

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I’m also still dealing with strained neck muscles from yoga yesterday... I really need to see my chiropractor. On top of that, I was hoping a friend could cut my hair, but she’s no longer doing it as a business. So, I guess it’s time to call my girl at Mitchell’s for an appointment.

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Daily Bread Excerpt:
"Do you sometimes feel small and insignificant, like an insect? When you do, remember that God showcases His wisdom and greatness through even the smallest things. That’s because His ‘strength is made perfect in weakness’ (2 Cor. 12:9)." —Mart De Haan

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Faith Over the Voices

I was so tired yesterday after working out! It is so bitter sweet to start working out again, it feels good but my body feels the effects a lot more in the beginning. Tom sent me an IM yesterday after his worship time and said that he had just listened to the song “The Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns and felt encouraged again to stay focused on God and not to listen to the disapproving voices of the people around us. I know they mean well and I can’t say that I would be any different if I were in their shoes… this is one of those things that you have to be in our shoes to truly understand. I am learning to be more compassionate and understanding about what people are going through. Tom has said many times, I would rather fail trusting in God then fail not trusting in Him. I have to agree with him.

I spent my evening with my grand daughter last night. We went to Golden Corral and then to Wal-Mart for bubbles… We ended up getting a doll and a dresses as well but I stayed within my budget :) I love this time with the kids, they are so precious!

Excerpt from the Daily Bread:

We now have these two assurances: God’s unfailing love—He will never leave us nor forsake us (Heb. 13:5). And God’s promise of full redemption in due time—He will redeem us from all our iniquities (Ps. 130:8) and present us before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy (Jude 24).

We’re forgiven! We’re free! With the psalmist, let’s worship the Lord as we await His coming. —David Roper

Friday, August 31, 2007

The Better Portion

I got up at 4:15 this morning to spend a little time with Tom. Lately, I’ve been working so much and out almost every night that I barely have time with him. Even when I’m home, I’m so exhausted that I’m not fully present.

We were having a wonderful time together until I mentioned that I had set aside some time but couldn’t stay long. It was as if a switch flipped—the mood instantly changed, and our great time turned sour. I felt awful for saying that and was so upset with myself. I should have just stayed and enjoyed our time together, even if it made me late. But the damage was already done.

I started crying and couldn’t stop. I tried to eat breakfast but had no appetite. I really didn’t want to go to work, but I knew that, with it being the Friday before a long holiday, the office would be quiet, and I could get a lot done. Seeing me in tears, Tom asked if I really wanted to go in. I admitted that I didn’t, but I felt pressured to get something done while I had the chance.

I decided to log in remotely and let my boss know I’d be late—if I went in at all. Then, I laid down on the couch, still torn.

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For two hours, I wrestled with my decision. On one hand, I thought about all I could accomplish at work. But then I thought about how disappointed Tom would be if I chose work over spending the day with him—especially since we had talked about going for a drive and visiting the farmers market.

I felt like this was a test: Would I choose what would ultimately burn away, or would I choose my relationship with my husband?

When I framed it like that, the choice seemed obvious—so why was it so hard to make?

The moment I finally chose to stay home, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief and joy. I couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to decide! It reminded me of a time at Outback when I had the chance to give myself a better tip. I stood at the credit card machine debating for what felt like an eternity—until I finally snapped out of it and realized I already knew what was right. So I did it.

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We ended up going for that drive, having lunch, and visiting the farmers market—and it was exactly what I needed. It was peaceful, refreshing, and so therapeutic.

On our way back, we stopped at D and L’s house to pick up some papers. I mentioned that I had taken a “mental health day” and shared a little bit of my struggles. L was so encouraging—she reminded me to stand firm and trust God with everything.

I’ve been feeling drained, stressed, and a bit out of focus—PMS certainly isn’t helping. But after everything today, I went home, took a three-hour nap, and woke up feeling so much better.

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Strength Training for the Soul

This morning’s message was powerful. The pastor taught from Hebrews 12:1-3:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

Once again, the Lord was speaking to me about fixing my eyes on Him and not losing heart as He perfects my faith! Earlier, I had been talking with some friends about how it feels like God is stripping away everything I’ve allowed to come between Him and me—something I’ve prayed for many times. Specifically, He’s working on my control issues and my tendency to step in and “fix” things when I feel like they aren’t being handled the way I think they should be.

It’s as if God is building my spiritual and faith muscles—it hurts, and I feel sore—but I know that, in the end, He will be glorified!

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After church, I spent some time cooking while Tom read to me from False Intimacy by Harry Schaumburg. We had a wonderful conversation about God and what He is doing in our lives. Some of the ideas in the book challenged me, pushing me to examine and question certain aspects of what we’re doing more deeply.

I realized I needed some answers and encouragement—I’ve been engaging the enemy too much, allowing doubt and fear to creep in. And once again, I found myself asking the same question I’ve asked so many times before: Why do I keep falling into doubt and fear so easily, just like the Israelites?

God is always awesome. He is always big. He is always in control.

Thank you, Jesus!

Monday, September 03, 2007 (Labor Day)

Holding the Line

I had considered going into work today to take care of the contracts, but when I woke up this morning, I realized how silly that idea was. I need to take every opportunity to be home and spend time with my husband—so home I will stay. I also need to work on the Womenade tasks and catch up on my journal.

Tom had asked for cornmeal pancakes, so I made breakfast while he mowed the backyard. During breakfast, I shared with him how I had felt yesterday—how easily I fall back into doubt and fear, even when God is so close. I’m so tired of allowing myself to be knocked back so easily (because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind—James 1:6).

When I said this, Tom told me he had a picture in his mind of gladiators in training. Their leaders would test them by striking them in the chest with their palm. If they stepped back or fell, they weren’t ready to move forward. But if they stood their ground, they could advance in their training. Then he told me to turn to Hebrews 10:32-39:

"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, 'He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.' But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."

Once again, God knew my heart—what I needed and exactly when I needed it. More than ever, I see that this is not about money or possessions, but about His glory and my relationship with Him. It’s about building my faith and trust in Him. I found myself in tears again, feeling the Lord so near, encouraging me. I could sense the roots of His Word growing deeper into my heart, becoming more alive as it ministered to, encouraged, and taught me.

God is SO amazing!!

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Father, I thank You for Your love and patience with me. I ask for Your forgiveness for my doubts and fears and for allowing the enemy to take so much ground in my life. In Jesus’ name, I pray that this will not happen again. When my strength is gone, help me to stand firm and hold my ground in Your strength. Thank You for being with me at every turn, for reminding me of who You are and how much You love me. I couldn’t do this without You.

This is all about You and Your glory—not about me. I want to praise Your name and “Consider it pure joy... whenever [I] face trials of many kinds, because [I] know that the testing of [my] faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that [I] may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” (James 1:2-4).

Help me to sing Your praises in all circumstances!

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Praise Before the Breakthrough

I woke up this morning with a desire to have an attitude of gratitude! I felt like I had not been praising my Lord as much as I should and have allowed the enemy to drag me down so I started thanking Jesus for all of my blessings and giving Him all the Glory, honor and Praise! I felt much better afterwards :)

We got a notice today from the attorneys (?) that our hearing will be on October 3rd. So, we know that we will have the house thru September. Praise the Lord!! :)

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Closing the Distance

God is so good! I can’t say that enough!

This past week at work was intense, as it always is at the beginning of the month with billing deadlines. Each morning, I started working as soon as I arrived and didn’t stop for ten or eleven hours straight. A couple of days, I didn’t even take a lunch break—just ate my salad at my desk while I worked. Thank the Lord for K! She has been such a lifesaver and a wonderful help. I did miss getting into the Word in the mornings and my workouts, but at least I know this hectic season will end soon.

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Over the past week or so, Tom and I had been drifting apart, and I didn’t realize how far until yesterday. It was a difficult day, but God—as always—turned it around this morning for His glory. I could see that the enemy was working hard to drive a wedge between us, and we were both struggling to break free from it. Tom felt like I was attacking him, while I thought he was making more out of situations than they really were. I did sense some emotional distance, but in my opinion, it wasn’t as bad as he believed.

Tension escalated, and Tom eventually went upstairs after asking me to search my heart and see what was there. I stayed downstairs, listening to mellow music, doing a word search puzzle, and trying to pray. I asked God why I was running so hard. I felt like I had years ago when all I wanted to do was run away from home and leave Tom behind. My heart had become so hard. I had no desire to work things out and just wanted to stay as far away from him as possible.

When Tom came downstairs to watch TV, I took the opportunity to escape upstairs to check emails and read.

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Later, I began going through the Love Addiction book because someone had mentioned referring a woman to me who was struggling in that area, knowing I could help. As I read, God met me there. He revealed things to me—preparing me for what He was doing both in that moment and later that night. I read as much as I could before bed, then switched to the Amy Simpleton book until I fell asleep.

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The next morning, Tom was trying to make things better, but I still wasn’t ready to let go. There were still things we needed to work through, and I didn’t want to just brush it off.

Eventually, though, we were able to sit down and be honest about what we were struggling with. The truth was finally out on the table:

• Tom had been grasping at me—trying to cling to me emotionally because he was facing battles of his own.
• With me working long hours and having evening meetings, he was feeling really lonely.
• He admitted that he was trying to have his emotional needs met through me, but the more he clung, the more I pulled away.
• The harder he grasped, the more distant I became.

It was a painful cycle, but thankfully, we were able to break through it. We talked, we listened, and—by God’s grace—we were able to resolve it.

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Worship was so good today! And on top of that, E surprised us by coming to church with the kids!

It turned out to be a beautiful morning, and I truly feel like the gap between Tom and me has been closed. My heart is no longer hard toward him.

Thank you, Jesus!