Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Broken and Poured Out

These last few days have been quite an adventure!

Thursday night, after my last entry, we went to N and T’s for dinner, and E and M came over to join us for Bible study. Normally, they would have gone to R and J’s, but since they were sick and had to cancel, they ended up with us instead. What a blessing! We had such a wonderful time of fellowship, sharing the Word, and encouraging each other.

At one point, NL mentioned something that stopped me in my tracks. He was reading about Jesus feeding the four or five thousand, and when he got to the part where Jesus broke the bread, he thought about us. He said he saw how we were being broken—just like that bread—so that many could be fed through us.

Wow.

I certainly feel like I am being broken. The trials, the uncertainty, the constant refining—it’s painful. But if this breaking means that we can be used by the Lord in a mighty way, then I pray we submit to His will with humble hearts.

---

Friday was a full and powerful day.

It started with breakfast with SY, where we were able to work some things out and share our hearts with each other. I know the Lord was present in our conversation, guiding our words, bringing healing where it was needed. Then I had lunch with DA and got to update her on everything God has been doing since we last met. What an incredible thing to testify of His faithfulness!

That night, we had our marriage class, and it was so good. God, You are truly amazing in how You lead and teach us through each step of this journey!

---

Saturday was a beautiful day, in every sense of the word.

Tom and I spent it together, just the two of us, enjoying the weather. We went for a walk up Purfoy, and on our way back, we stopped to pick up pecans from the trees lining the street. A simple joy, but one that reminded me of God’s provision, even in the little things.

As we were nearing our subdivision, we noticed a small dog with a broken line still attached to her collar—clearly, she had escaped from somewhere. Not knowing what else to do, we picked her up and walked down to some kids playing nearby, hoping someone would recognize her. Amazingly, the first boy we approached said she was his! Thank You, Lord!

I have to admit—I was worried about what we were going to do if we couldn’t find her owner. But yet again, the Lord provided a solution before we even had time to panic. He is faithful when we are obedient.

Later that evening, we went to the Womenade potluck, where a friend from Hope was there. It was such a joy to reconnect and share what God has been doing in our lives. One of the scriptures that Shelley read really resonated with me:

"Then the LORD replied: 'Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay. See, he is puffed up; his desires are not upright—but the righteous will live by his faith.'" – Habakkuk 2:2-4

That passage spoke so directly to my heart that I had to write it down here.

---

Sunday was another full day.

We went to Hope in the morning, then spent time at K and S’s. We got to catch up with some friends there before sitting down with K and S for a deeper conversation. Later, we headed to E’s to spend time with family.

But in the midst of that joy, there was also concern. W had an infection in his thumb and finger, and by Monday night, red lines were creeping up his arm to his bicep. They had to take him to the emergency room. We’ve been praying for him and for their whole family, trusting God to bring healing.

---

Monday morning was precious.

I spent time with M and her mom—two people I love so dearly. We laughed, talked, and shared our hearts. But as I opened up, I found myself unexpectedly emotional. I told them how much I love my life right now and how I don’t want it to change. I don’t usually dwell on the idea of going back to work, but apparently, my subconscious has been wrestling with it. As I spoke, tears came.

I think I’m afraid. Afraid of leaving this season of full reliance on God. Afraid of going back into the world, where it’s so easy to be distracted and self-reliant instead of God-reliant.

M gave me the most beautiful visual—she said she saw me in a flood, holding onto a rock. And as long as I was holding onto that rock, I was safe. But the waters kept rising, and debris kept hitting me, trying to knock me off.

Lord, I feel this so deeply right now. I know You are my Rock, but the waters are high, and the battle is relentless. Please give me the strength to hold on as long as I have to.

---

In my time with KM going through Lies Women Believe, one of the lies that struck me was: God is not enough.

I don’t think that in my mind. But my worry, my doubt, my anxiety? They say otherwise. If I truly believed He was enough, why would I fear?

KM pointed out something that hit me hard—How insane is it to think that God is not enough, but that WE are?

The created questioning the Creator?

That truth convicted me in the best way. God, You are enough. You always have been. You always will be.

KM also described what she called the Yo-Yo effect. Some days, we feel safe in His hand. Other days, we feel like we’ve been flung out into the air, dangling by a string until He pulls us back.

That’s exactly how I feel. Some days, I am so confident in God’s promises. Other days, I doubt my own sanity. It’s like being held in His arms one moment, then being set down to walk on my own the next. And I don’t like it. I much prefer being held.

---

Monday, CB sent me a Spirit of Prophecy Bulletin that spoke straight to my soul:

The Trumpet by Bill Burns -- February 11, 2008:
Do not be discouraged, My children. For do you not know that the Father Himself has written your name on His hand that He might not forget you? Nor will He ever. For He knows the trouble that you go through. He knows the trials that you endure. He knows those things that you are struggling with, but He also knows that you will have victory if you will simply turn your eyes upon Him and believe and have faith that prevails. He says today, "Persevere, My children, for in preserving you shall have victory and you shall want for nothing. For, I have overcome the world and all that is in it and so shall you in these the days of My glory."

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns -- February 11, 2008:
Beloved, watch for opportunities to make a course correction that will bring your life and situations into a divine sequence in My kingdom. These opportunities will come suddenly and provide a chance to advance. Solutions to things that have been a bother or concern to you will have the potential for resolution. Your part is to seek Me for wisdom and direction as you exercise discernment and personal integrity. Trust Me to make clear the way of progression, says the Lord.

"I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, and not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

Father, I thank you that you KNOW the trials and troubles that I am going through! Thank you for the strength to endure!! Help me to keep my eyes on you and TRUST that you will make my path straight and clear. I pray for wisdom and direction. Please open my eyes to see clearly as I yield myself to you more and more everyday.

This reminded me of James 1:5-8 - "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

Later, CB sent me another word:

Small Straws In A Soft Wind by Marsha Burns -- February 12, 2008:
You've been on what seemed to be a strange and unsettling roller-coaster ride. Now, you find yourself somewhat disoriented and trying to figure out what was real and what was just your active imagination. Take a deep breath, let the proverbial dust settle, and refuse to take your emotions seriously. Arise out of the activity of your soul into the realm of the Spirit, and seek My face. I will give you wisdom and point the way to My perfect will in your life. I will clarify and separate what the enemy has tried to do and what your own desires have tried to obtain from spiritual truth and reality, says the Lord.

"Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!" Psalms 27:14 

Yet again, another reminder to WAIT. To seek His face. To trust that He will lead me in His perfect timing.

---

This morning, in our worship time, Tom opened the Bible to Isaiah 40:27-31:

"Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel, "My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God"? Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Lord, You are my strength. My shield. My Rock. My strong tower.

How could I ever doubt You?

And yet, I still do in my times of weakness.

Forgive me, Father.

Tuesday, April 16, 2008

Trading in the Counterfeit

Last night was rough.

My throat felt thick and raw, and I kept waking myself up snoring—something I never do. It was like my own body was betraying me, forcing me into restless half-sleep all night.

By morning, I was exhausted. But life doesn’t pause for lack of sleep.

I had lunch with SW and DM, catching up on life, faith, and everything in between. It felt good to connect, even if my body was lagging behind my spirit.

---

That evening, we went to P and L’s home group, where AB shared a dream he had about us the night before.

It was powerful. As he spoke, I scrambled to write down as much as I could.

God’s currency has always been love.
Satan introduced the currency of knowledge in the Garden—the knowledge of good and evil.
This knowledge is a counterfeit. A very good counterfeit.

And here’s where it got even deeper.

Organized religion has become one of the biggest proponents of the counterfeit currency.

People go to church thinking they are reaching God, but in reality, they are only accumulating counterfeit wealth—knowledge without intimacy, theology without relationship.

Just like counterfeit money, the more people accumulate, the more it devalues the real thing.

And then came the part that hit us personally.

In the dream, Tom and I were holding $84 in cash.

This was all that remained of our counterfeit currency.

When it was gone, God replaced it with the real thing—His love. And we were so overjoyed that we began pouring it into others, and as they received it, they too began letting go of the counterfeit.

They lost interest in knowledge and money, and God replaced it dollar for dollar with love.

I sat there, stunned. That was exactly where we were—down to $40 left in the bank. Was this God’s way of telling us that He was about to replace everything we had lost with something far greater?

---

P, who had been listening intently, started asking questions.

“How serious is your situation?”

We told him. We had $40 left, and rent was coming up. But we knew—we knew—that God would provide. And we also knew that we were not supposed to ask anyone for help.

"Pray," we told him.
"If God leads you, then give what He lays on your heart. But we will not ask."

As we were leaving, P handed us an envelope.

“God told me to give this to you,” he said.

I opened it, and my heart leaped. It was enough.

Enough to feed Tom’s sister and brother-in-law while they were here.
Enough for gas money to get them back and forth to the airport.
Enough to remind us that God sees, God provides, and God is enough.

---

Today, in our study of Lies Women Believe, we reviewed the ones that had impacted us the most. The one I needed to revisit was this:

Lie: God is not enough.
Truth: God is always enough.

And as if God Himself wanted to underline that truth in bold ink, I read this passage from Psalm 73:

Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
—Psalm 73:23-26

Yes, Lord. You are my portion forever. You are enough.

Even when we have nothing, we have everything in You.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Provision, Pruning, and the Preparation of the Heart

God is enough. I don’t need anything more than what He provides each day, and I have all I need for today. Thank you, Lord, for Your provision!

Lately, the enemy has been trying to get me to think that we don’t have “enough.” It’s such a worldly mindset that causes us to worry about “tomorrow” — whether we have enough in savings, retirement, or even in the pantry. Satan instills fear and doubt about God’s goodness and His ability to care for His children. But I know the Lord wants us to come to that deep place of trust where we believe He will provide what we need when we need it — and if He doesn’t, then we really didn’t need it.

We are learning to rely on Him more and more each day, not on what we have “in reserve.” It has been a difficult but freeing transition.

The Lord did such a sweet thing for G last week. On Monday, she told me she was craving Shrimp Creole but couldn’t make it because F doesn’t like shrimp, and she always cooks meals they can both enjoy. Then on Wednesday night, CB called out of the blue and asked if we needed any food. Normally, I’d say no — I’ve always felt that her donations should go to people more “in need” — but this time I felt led to say yes.

She had just received a large food donation from a church and didn’t know what to do with it all, so she gave us a care package: green beans, beef tips, and — Shrimp Creole! It was such a “God thing.” I was able to surprise G with it the next day, and the look on her face was priceless. God heard her small desire and delighted to bless her through it. I was also able to share food with TB and his family, my Thursday group, and E and her neighbor. The Lord multiplied the blessing and fed many!

I also finished my 40-day raw food fast on the 12th, and physically, I feel great. Spiritually, though, I can’t say I’ve had any big revelations. If anything, I’ve felt somewhat stuck — even hardened or discouraged — and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s hormones, the dreary weather, or that I focused more on the food aspect of the fast than on the Lord Himself. Perhaps I’ve allowed “food” to become a kind of idol again. Lord, I am so sorry.

While thinking about all this, I remembered the show Ninja Warriors that Tom watched — the one with the obstacle course where each stage tested a different kind of strength. Many competitors flew through the first few stages only to fall into the mud before finishing. Spiritually, that’s how I feel right now. We made it through the hardest parts — losing the house and cars, moving multiple times, telling family what happened — but now, after things have settled, I feel muddy and weary.

I know in my head that the enemy is trying to discourage me and that my feelings don’t reflect the truth, but it’s hard to shake. Lord, please help me see beyond my feelings and trust in Your perfect plan.

I also sense a shift coming in our lives and ministry. E and R plan to move to Colorado after his deployment so their kids can be near family. That will be a hard goodbye since we spend so much time together, but we understand their decision.

Then, a few interesting things happened recently that make me wonder what the Lord is preparing us for. A friend reached out about a prayer house in England that needs hosts for a year. The founders plan to come to the U.S. to help start an International House of Prayer. It sounded intriguing, though I don’t think it’s for us — still, it stirred something in my heart.

A few days later, during a movie night with friends, another couple shared their vision for an orphanage in Guatemala. As they spoke, my heart was deeply moved. I could imagine myself helping there, mentoring kids and showing them God’s love. As they talked, though, I noticed my heart fading a little from our current ministry. It felt like God was gently preparing my heart for something new.

The first obstacle, of course, is that we still don’t have passports. I remember waking from that dream months ago with the word “International” impressed on my heart. I printed the application back then, believing God would provide in His timing — but we’re still waiting. Tom isn’t feeling the same pull I am, but he does sense that a shift is coming.

I’m not sure where any of this is heading, but I trust that God will make everything clear in His perfect time.

This week’s devotion really spoke to me:

March 11, 2009: The True Vine

Dear disciple of Jesus, however young or feeble, hear the voice. “You are the branch.” You must be nothing less. Let no false humility, no carnal fear of sacrifice, no unbelieving doubts as to what you feel able for, keep you back from saying: “I will be a branch, with all that may mean—a branch, very feeble, but yet as like the Vine as can be, for I am of the same nature, and receive of the same spirit. A branch, utterly helpless, and yet just as manifestly set apart before God and men, as wholly given up to the work of bearing fruit, as the Vine itself. A branch, nothing in myself, and yet resting and rejoicing in the faith that knows that He will provide for all. Yes, by His grace, I will be nothing less than a branch, and all He means it to be, that through me, He may bring forth His fruit.”

You are the branch.—You need be nothing more. You need not for one single moment of the day take upon you the responsibility of the Vine. You need not leave the place of entire dependence and unbounded confidence. You need, least of all, to be anxious as to how you are to understand the mystery, or fulfill its conditions, or work out its blessed aim. The Vine will give all and work all. The Father, the Husbandman, watches over your union with and growth in the Vine. You need be nothing more than a branch. Only a branch! Let that be your watchword; it will lead in the path of continual surrender to Christ’s working, of true obedience to His every command, of joyful expectancy of all His grace.

Also that day’s excerpt from Oswald:

"Though it tarries, wait for it . . ." (Hab_2:3). We cannot bring the vision to fulfillment through our own efforts, but must live under its inspiration until it fulfills itself. We try to be so practical that we forget the vision. At the very beginning we saw the vision but did not wait for it. We rushed off to do our practical work, and once the vision was fulfilled we could no longer even see it. Waiting for a vision that "tarries" is the true test of our faithfulness to God. It is at the risk of our own soul's welfare that we get caught up in practical busy-work, only to miss the fulfillment of the vision.

Watch for the storms of God. The only way God plants His saints is through the whirlwind of His storms. Will you be proven to be an empty pod with no seed inside? That will depend on whether or not you are actually living in the light of the vision you have seen. Let God send you out through His storm, and don't go until He does. If you select your own spot to be planted, you will prove yourself to be an unproductive, empty pod. However, if you allow God to plant you, you will "bear much fruit" (Joh_15:8).

It’s so hard to wait in the day-to-day waiting.

Lord, help me rest and wait on You — and Your perfect timing — to be planted and bear fruit. I don’t want to keep running ahead of You.

Friday, September 04, 2009

Trust Beyond Understanding

I forgot to mention in my last journal entry an update on our living situation. I suppose I’ve been a bit distracted by everything else going on, because I haven’t thought about it as much as one might expect. As of now, we still do not know where God will open a door for us to stay. The Holy Spirit continues to remind me of God’s faithfulness—that He has already prepared a place for us, and that we are simply waiting for His perfect timing.

As the deadline approaches (this weekend), people around us seem to grow more anxious. They ask if we’re worried about ending up on the streets and what we’ll do if God doesn’t open a door. The truth is, we don’t know what God will do—but He has asked us to trust Him and wait.

This situation has reminded me of something the Lord recently revealed to me while reading the story of Noah. After God told Noah about the coming flood, gave him detailed instructions for building the ark, told him to gather the animals and provisions, and explained exactly what to do when the rain came, Scripture simply says:

“Noah did everything just as God commanded him.” (Genesis 6:22)

That sentence stopped me in my tracks. Noah didn’t argue or negotiate. He didn’t suggest improvements to God’s design or complain about the inconvenience—or the smell—of all those animals. He didn’t question the logic of it all. He simply obeyed. I couldn’t help but compare Noah’s response to what mine might have been.

We live in a world that encourages us to think for ourselves—to be self-sufficient rather than God-sufficient. As I reflected on that, I wondered why God gave us such capable, intelligent, creative minds if He ultimately asks us to obey rather than rely on our own reasoning. And then the Holy Spirit reminded me: it’s part of free will.

We are given the choice to lean on our own understanding or to trust and obey God. If our minds weren’t as capable as they are, there would be no real temptation to choose our logic over His leading. Once again, the choice mirrors the garden: what is “good for food and pleasing to the eye and desirable for gaining wisdom” versus obedience to God’s command (Genesis 2:17).

For temptation to be a true choice, it must be appealing. That realization hit me deeply. I find myself battling my own logic regularly in my walk with the Lord. So much of what He does makes little sense to me. It brings Isaiah 55:8 sharply into focus:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

Throughout Scripture, God repeatedly asked people to do things that defied human logic. Noah built an ark on dry land. Abraham was asked to sacrifice his promised son. Moses was led straight to the Red Sea with an army behind him. Ezekiel was told to lie on his side for hundreds of days. Hosea was commanded to marry an unfaithful woman. God has never been bound by what makes sense to us. He will ask whatever is necessary to accomplish His purposes and bring Him glory.

And so we come back to our living situation. We could panic, reason our way out, ask people to rescue us, or decide that God surely wouldn’t ask this of us. Or—we can trust Him, just as He has asked us to do, and wait. He has always come through for us, and I know He will again.

God is enough.

Father, I thank You that You are enough. Thank You for Your faithful provision and for meeting our needs according to Your riches in glory (Philippians 4:19). Help me to keep my eyes fixed on You—to seek first Your kingdom and Your righteousness (Matthew 6:33), and to trust in You with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). I trust that You will take care of the rest, in Your perfect way and timing. In Jesus’ name, amen.