Wednesday, October 29, 2008

This Is Not a Game

I woke up this morning with a couple of things on my heart and mind. Yesterday Tom asked me several times if I was “OK.” I answered that I was, but I was surprised he kept asking. Finally, I asked if I had been mean or rude to him, and he said no, I just seemed distant and disconnected. I thought—well, that was certainly a possibility!

So this morning, I woke up early and began praying, asking the Lord what my “deal” was. He spoke very directly to me. He reminded me of what I had written in an earlier journal entry about how comfortable and nice it has been to live here, with all our needs met. I had mentioned how we didn’t feel like we had been able to minister much to this family, and God said, “You have not made an impact on this family, but they have made an impact on you. You don’t look any different than they do.”

(They are not “bad” people—they are actually wonderful people and strong Christians. But they’re caught up in the trap of the world and self-sufficiency.)

Then He hit me with this: “Your stomach and your comfort are your gods. You’ve neglected your time with Me as a couple, and now you are drifting apart again.”

Those words pierced me. My own words to someone else came back to me: “This is not a game!” We are in a battle here, and we have to be prepared for it. We need to be fighting the right enemy for God’s eternal purposes. Right now, we are vulnerable because our armor isn’t on.

The second thing on my heart was how patient God is with me. As I’ve been rereading and posting my journal entries, I’ve grown weary of seeing the same words, the same struggles, over and over again. I have “revelations,” “insights,” and new “determinations,” but they fade quickly, and I’ve forgotten far more than I care to admit.

As I read back over them, I find myself praying that somehow, someway, I can hold onto more this time than I did before. I feel so inept. And yet, I’m amazed that God continues to pour out grace, patience, and love on me—even after the hundredth time of telling me the same things I should have remembered the first time.

I shared my first thought with Tom this morning, and he invited me to join him in worship and prayer when I got back from my morning meeting. It was so nice and refreshing to be at the Lord’s feet with my husband again! I feel much more connected and less distant now.

Thank You, Lord, for revealing these hard truths to me. I pray You give Tom and me a constant reminder that THIS IS NOT A GAME. It’s not about our comfort or pleasure—it’s about Your purposes and Your glory.

Last night, I had another “world disaster” dream. I can’t help but feel like the time is getting shorter and shorter.