Monday, November 10, 2008

Healing and New Opportunities

Things have been going pretty smoothly lately. I’ve been working on getting back on track with my eating (my body must be storing up fat for the winter!). I’ve fallen off the “good eating habits lifestyle” wagon and I’m finding it harder than usual to say “no” to foods that used to be easy to resist. I’ve been asking the Lord for His strength, since mine feels so weak—or non-existent—these days.

On a brighter note, I’ve been doing better at keeping the enemy at bay and taking my thoughts captive regarding Tom. I’ve been praying for him more consistently and seeking to love him in ways that really speak his love language. One of my favorite prayers from The Power of a Praying Wife reminds me how much I need God’s help in this area:

Lord, help me to be a good wife. I fully realize that I don't have what it takes to be one without Your help. Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things. Take my old emotional habits, mindsets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protectiveness, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with Your battering ram of revelation. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace, and joy (Galatians 5:22–23). I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me.

"Whatever things you ask when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you will have them. And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive your trespasses." (Mark 11:24–25)

This prayer always helps me remember who I am—and who I am not!

The Beth Moore Breaking Free Bible study has also been very eye-opening. I realized something I had never truly acknowledged before: I suffered a deeply broken heart in my relationship with my mom. For years I strived to earn her acceptance and approval, only to come up empty-handed again and again. When Beth asked if we had ever experienced a broken heart, I thought only of relationships with guys—and assumed I hadn’t. But the Lord reminded me of an incident in my late teens, after a particularly difficult phone call with my mom. I was so frustrated and hurt that, after hanging up, I completely lost it—yelling, crying, flailing, hitting pillows, trying desperately to release the pain and rejection I felt. Tom (then my boyfriend) came running in, thinking I was under attack—only to find me thrashing around on my bed alone, like a deranged maniac (and he still married me, lol!). Looking back now, I understand: my heart was broken that day. I’m so grateful for a loving God who not only identifies these hidden wounds, but gently heals them with His kindness and care.

I also feel like I’m getting better at hearing and obeying. For a while I really struggled to put God first in my day. My tendency was to check email, my calendar, or anything else before spending time with Him. Now, I look forward to my mornings with Him, and it’s not as hard to resist the internet battle. In the evenings, I often read spiritually challenging books, but recently I found myself without one. One day I thought, I wish I had a good book to read, and the Lord said, “You do! Spend some time with Me in My Word.” So, I did—and it was wonderful! Now I treasure that evening time with Him too.

Since B and CA’s groups closed, the Lord has opened new doors for fellowship. We joined B and SY’s “Truth Project” group on Friday nights, and we’re meeting with K and P for prayer and worship every other Sunday morning. I also started gathering with a few ladies every other Wednesday for prayer and fellowship. I am looking forward to seeing what the Lord will do through these new opportunities!

On a practical note, AR saw Tom walking Kona (M & L’s dog) the other day and asked if we could house-sit for them during Christmas week. That is such a blessing! Since M and L’s kids will be home for the holidays, we need to find another place to stay around mid-December (probably the 17th). But as always, we trust the Lord to provide.

Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness and provision!