Monday, December 01, 2008

Shaken, but Not Shattered

Wow. Where has this year gone!! Tom and I were talking the other day about all we have been through this year. 2008 was supposed to be the year of new beginnings, but Tom said he felt that it was more like a year of loss for him. He has had to let go of so much, and it has been very painful and difficult for him.

I think the term “new beginnings” also applies to us, but the pain of the losses seems to be bigger for him right now. Maybe in a year or two (or less), when that pain subsides, he will be able to look back and see the new beginnings and appreciate this year a little more.

For me, I see the spiritual new beginnings for both of us!! We have launched into a whole new realm or dimension in our spiritual walk, and I can definitely see how it could be considered a new beginning. So many things are new for us in that respect. It is funny how when I thought of the phrase “new beginnings” at the first of the year, I thought of—and was anticipating—a “good new” and not a “painful new.” Not that the painful part isn’t good overall, but I guess I just wasn’t expecting it to go quite the way it went… we never really want or expect things to be painful (unless you’re going to the dentist or something!).

I guess I should learn to expect the unexpected with the Lord. Nothing He does ever goes the way I expect it to! But the results are always better than I could have imagined, and that always makes it worth it.

Thanksgiving went very well! A and C came bearing gifts of good munchies and beverages, so we snacked and chatted while the dinner preparations came together. I made turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, roasted veggies, and corn pudding. I tried to keep it simple, but it still seemed like way too much food. It was all very good though, and I was pleased with how everything turned out. C requested pineapple upside-down cake for dessert and brought the ingredients for it, so we enjoyed that after dinner (we ate the whole cake again!).

At halftime (the Cowboys were playing, so of course we couldn’t miss the game!), we moved the party over to T’s house to relieve the dog, and after the Cowboys won, we played their Wii games and had a great time. C shared their news of moving to a duplex in the historic district of Raleigh in January, and that her parents had moved to Raleigh recently as well. She’s excited to be closer to her folks now, as well as her grandmother. She also invited us to join them and her family on Christmas Eve for their traditional tree-trimming party. That should be very nice.

Friday I felt a little more under the weather, and Saturday was worse, so I just stayed home (at T’s house anyway) and rested and napped all day. It felt good to just relax and do nothing!

Tom mentioned to me that I seem to enjoy myself at T’s house and that the house seems to agree with me. I thought that was an interesting comment, so I pondered it for a while. Then I realized that it is a comfortable place for me to be because it is neat and orderly. M and L are very “relaxed” in the care of their home (M’s description was “ADHD”), so things don’t always get put away—and if they do, they don’t necessarily go back where they came from. This is not wrong or bad, just different than I am used to. Since I am “OCD,” this environment tends to have an unsettling effect on me.

It was an interesting observation because I realized that I haven’t really felt relaxed here. This hasn’t been a conscious thing, just tucked away in the background. It certainly doesn’t mean that they haven’t made every effort to make us feel welcome (which they absolutely have), but I now realize how my surroundings can have an effect on me because of my own obsessive and compulsive tendencies. When you live in your own home you tend to set up an environment you’re comfortable with, but since we are at the mercy of God and His people, I now have to learn how to be comfortable in any environment. Lord, once again I need You to help me through yet another process, because I can’t do it on my own.

Speaking of my own issues, the battle of the mind is back again (the wonderful monthly torture). This time I seem to have a better “handle” or “grip” on things, and I have managed to keep my mouth shut (thank you Jesus!). Last night the Lord reminded me again:

“Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
(Ephesians 6:12)

So I have been meditating on that for most of the day, which is helping (this could also fit into the “chemical imbalance” category as well!). Maybe one day I won’t struggle with this so much!

I was thinking the other day how this struggle is so similar to what the character Nash went through in A Beautiful Mind (played by Russell Crowe). The imaginary characters or people in his mind that caused him to behave a certain way never really went away, but he eventually understood who and what they were and didn’t allow them to influence him anymore. The key is discerning what is real or truth and what is the lie, and then making choices based on the truth and not the lie. This is much easier said than done!

Yesterday we went over to R and E’s early to watch the kids so they could try to finish their Christmas shopping before R left for Fort Bragg this morning. He won’t be back until Christmas Eve, so they wanted to get everything done before he left. As always, we had a wonderful time with them and the kids. M was feeling much better, so he was a much happier camper!

Anyway, God is good and I am thankful for all that He has, is, and will continue to do in my life.